Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Selfishness - its not just for breakfast anymore

I have been thinking a lot about selfishness lately.

People always say that adoption is so selfless. That it is helping a child and wow, isn't that so nice of us?

Well, no. What's nice is that we get to be parents, something that we couldn't do on our own. We want a kid, we are trying to get a kid, and when we do get a kid, we will be happy. So really, adoption is about making US happy. Is that selfish? Sure! Do we hope the kid benefits too? Of course!

I have made reference to everyone being pregnant. Seriously, 3 of my best friends are pregnant right now. As I have said I am so happy for them, enjoy hearing their stories and like being close to people who are gestating. Having said that, I have found lately that the sharp edge of jealousy or dull edge of sadness tends to show up after a lot of time with bunches of pregnant people, so I have started to be more introverted, spend more time alone or with J, and sort of hide when I need to. Selfish? Definitely. But I am hoping in doing this I take better care of my pregnant friends and do not make them feel bad or take out my infertility on them. That would be unfair.

I am starting to regain my balance, meaning taking time for myself when I need to. This summer was a whirlwind of activity, with literally every night bringing a show, dinner, rehearsal, drinks or a movie with J or a friend. I had no time to myself and it started to show. Now I am turning down more and more offers, not because I don't like the people, but because I want to spend time at home. This week I cooked TWICE. That doubles the amount I have cooked, ever. And it wasn't mac and cheese. Once it was SCALLOPS. Seriously. Really. And J ate it! Sucker.

J gave me three months of yoga classes at a cool studio in NYC and I have been saying no left and right to make time to go to yoga 4-5 times a week. One, because I am cheap and want to make the most of the free pass. Two, because being centered in myself again, healthy, fit and calm are all good ways to weather the slings and arrows of the adoption wait. It is all about me.

Selfish? You bet.

But I don't think selfishness is an altogether bad thing. People I know with no boundaries tend to get taken advantage of, get mad, and then get passive aggressive. This causes hurt feelings, bad blood and a lack of communication.

I have recognized these things in myself and want to stamp them out.

So I plan to be healthily selfish. I plan to make time for myself, take care of myself so I can take care of others, and be honest about what I can and can't do, and will and won't do, so that I don't take it out on others if I feel like i am about to break. I have felt that way for almost a year and am so, so sick of it.

What have you done selfishly lately? Try it. You'll like it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've got to always be a little selfish and take care of you first... I think Rodney Dangerfield said it best... "Watch out for number one but don't step in number two" - at least until the baby(s) come and you come dead last.
- Best Man

10:43 PM  

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