Wednesday, November 29, 2006

really thinking

I am seriously thinking about stopping all of this. When I started this I talked to a friend who had adopted and she said she had tried fertility for a few short weeks and just couldn't do it. At the time I felt like she hadn't done all she could, but I am starting to get it.

I realized tonight that I am absolutely miserable. If i am not upset about something, I am worried. If I am not worried, I am anxious. I spend all my time feeling sad, or frustrated, or negative. I can't pay attention at work and find myself drifting off during important meetings, wondering if the spotting I am having is a full fledged period and yet again the cycle is cancelled, or how this cycle will or won't happen based on some work travel I have to do in January. I feel incredibly anxious and impatient and that my RE doesn't know what he is doing. The first time he tried to start my period it didn't work an made me ovulate instead, which wasted two weeks. The second time we tried i was overstimm'd and my cycle was cancelled. This time he put me on birth control pills and they caused me to start my period and have a 4 day long migraine. I think the period basically screws this cycle too. And now we have to wait another 21 days, if not more, and then pay for the entire cycle. This is making me absolutely miserable.

I guess I am just not cut out to do this. I have to embrace the fact that I either don't have the patience, or the emotional fortitude, to keep doing this. It is hurting my work, my marriage, and my relationships. I even tried to quit my singing group tonight because I feel like everyone is making me manage them and I can't even manage myself. I have no ability to cope right now because my entire life is about getting pregnant and I can't even pull that off. Hell, I can't even get to the starting gate. It makes me feel like a failure; a failure for not being able to get pregnant, a failure for not being patient enough to trust the process, and a failure for not being able to handle it.

I wish J were here.


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