Friday, January 04, 2008

A hot steaming cup of manic

So I went to work for real yesterday. Got up, took a shower, left the house. And I didn't cry.

I believe this makes me a shitty person, as everyone else I know cried. Everyone else i know realized that they were leaving their children in the care of someone they barely knew and while all of us had done our due diligence, who knows what happens.

By all rights, I should've been a wreck. It is not like I don't spend most days thinking of all the horrible fates that could befall J or C and my heart stops and my breath catches and I have to physically shake it away.

And yes, our nanny is Jesus Christ Herself in terms of Nannyness. I love her. I want to marry her. She is great and responsible and loves C and writes down how many poops, bottles, naps and tummy time sessions C has. She looked up "constipation" today on her phone and left me a recommendation for a glycerine tablet because C hadn't "gone" in two days.

And as soon as CA left, C pooped. CA can move people's bowels. Hooray. But that's not altogether why I was not completely devastated to leave C home.

It is because I like work. I love work, actually. I like getting my coffee in the morning and being a big girl all day and helping people and making decisions and listening to my team and thinking and creating things. And I love it that every hour or so I take out my phone (which I now take with me everywhere in case CA calls) and look at my gorgeous daughter. And I love it that I have a daughter. At the end of the day I RUSH out at 5 pm (I changed my schedule so I leave early to get home to relieve CA so C sees her parents) and wish the bus home faster so I can hold her in my arms. C, not CA. CA is too big. But my day is full and I am so glad that I work AND come home early to see her.

So when I am "supposed to" cry, I don't.

Then tonight, C was really fussy. I was feeding her and she fell asleep which was great cause she is cute as hell when she sleeps. She was in my arms and her dad sneezed (damn him and his uncontrollable physical reflexes!) and she jerked awake and scared herself and she cried.

I soothed her back to sleep and then, as I was weirdly staring at her as I often do, I noticed that she had glistening tears in her eyes.

She cried tears for the first time.

And I bawled. J had to comfort me. I was so sad she was sad and so moved that she was crying and so happy that her tearducts work. And I was so glad I was there to see it and J shared in it too.

So I cry when I am not "supposed to".

Know what? I think "supposed to" can go fuck itself. I am a mom now and I will trust myself and I will NOT start with the "I am a bad mom" self talk because that goes nowhere. I will enjoy this and revel in it and be present when I am with her, and be present at work when I am there, and strive to not shoot for balance because that is bullshit but instead shoot for presence. My life is full and wonderful and I should show up for it, right?

Real tears. Imagine that.

Off to bed. I am so tired. All this emotion and lack of emotion can be draining.


Blogger ldahospud said...

What IS it about those first tears that are just so, so sad? Even with the sixth baby, those little tears spilling over downy cheeks made my stomach twist with sympathy and a helpless feeling.

And I think you're already getting a handle on the work thing. Your work has been a big part of your identity and I think will help you be a happier mommy to C. You should expect your needs and her needs to change, and it sounds like your job is at least somewhat flexible so that you can roll with the changes as they occur. No-one but you and J gets to say what is best for your family!

By the way, I got my Austin Roses catalog yesterday, and they offer the Charlotte Rose. I don't know if you have a balcony but the catalog says it is compact and a good container rose. I think you need it. Here is a link:


1:05 PM  
Blogger tommysmommy said...

I didn't cry either. So maybe we're both bad mommies. See how ridiculous that sounds?
All of your stories confirm that you are - and will continue to be - an AWESOME mom. Hey, you had to work harder to be a mom than anyone I know. Clearly, you wanted this to the core of your being, and I am continually humbled by your drive and dedication. C is one lucky, lucky girl.

10:01 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home