Full disclosure

My blog has been pretty damn honest up til now. So while it pains me to do so, I have to share what happened today.

I have been a single mom now for over 2 weeks - J is in Bermuda at his yearly giant major event that is a big cash cow for him, but takes him away for a long time. I had my mom here which was AWESOME and so helpful, but have been on my own this week since Tuesday morning.

None of this is an excuse but instead an explanation for why I may not have been as aware as I usually am.

C has been getting up at 5 am each morning, at which point I cuddle her and take her into my room where we snooze for about another 30 minutes and then get up.

This morning we followed our routine and I put her on the changing table, with one hand on her tummy as always to keep her from moving, while I looked for clothes for her in the drawer in the changing table. All of a sudden I hear this LOUD thump (that I will never forget) and there she is on the floor, looking shocked but completely unhurt. Somehow she wiggled out from under my hand without me feeling it, and threw herself over the side of the changing table in about 1 second flat; I had merely glanced away while looking into her pants drawer (which is IN the changing table) for a new pair. Just that long. My hand never moved but now it was pushing air down as she was gone.

She landed on her side and was cushioned by the thick carpet, but she was shocked and I was shocked and she began to cry. I picked her up carefully but quickly and began a total body scan with my hands to determine if anything was out of place or felt wonky.

Thank god she was 100% fine and even stopped crying after 2 minutes, and just lay on my shoulder with this "WOW that sucked and scared me and you sort of suck" position. Within 10 minutes my nanny C had shown up and baby C was already playing and smiling. Nanny C said she was totally fine, that happens, etc. I said not to me. Never again.

I am in a shame spiral so deep I wonder if I will ever get out. I know it happens. I know babies are resilient. But the subsequent day-long Dr Googlefest resulted in lots of stories of concussions, broken backs, and even worse. Now granted she had NO SYMPTOMS of any issues but I just couldn't believe how irresponsible that was of me. I chastised myself all day.

I also emailed some good Mom friends who made me feel better with stories of their own children going off the edge of the bed, slamming fingers in car doors, toppling babies out of their slings, dropping full water bottles on their heads, and the like.

How did we all live through this?

I click baby C in now to her changing table every single time. Before the hand was ok, now it's not. I will never leave her on a bed, chair, dresser, etc because she is obviously quick and agile. Basically I have built a bubble in which she can live, quite nicely, for the next, oh 60-70 years. At which time I hope to be dead and not seeing the risky behavior she engages in, like going outside and touching things.

So, there it is. I feel like a bad mom. My kid took a header off the changing table. 3 feet down. She lived to tell the tale, but I think it might be too early to say the same about me.