HELLO Hello hello....

On Thursday I talked to a senior person at work who was telling me all about her employees' drama. I get this a lot, being in HR.

This particular drama was of interest to me as it is a fellow PCOS-er who has had a bitch of a time getting pregnant. She has been through many rounds of IUI and IVF, to produce crap eggs and/or not get that positive beta. She has no idea how much I know about her but I watch her sometimes in meetings, wondering if she too feels dead inside and couldn't focus on discussions around media hits or PR programs.

Well, turns out that she was on a regime of Provera this month and AHA! she ovulated! Hey, that happened to me!

What didn't happen to me then was that somehow she and her husband accidentally timed it right and AHA! she is pregnant. Naturally.

Of course as a PCOS-er she is worried and of course as a "natural" pregnancy this feels very tenuous to her. She is 5 weeks and just got over the "holy hell I was taking something to make my uterus expunge stuff whilst pg" scare and has a pg that for now is sticking.

Again, she knows nothing about me knowing this.

She presented at our all-staff meeting on Thurday. She stood in front of 300 people and talked about something. Who knows. I was staring at her belly. I was thinking, "does she have to pee for the 100th time today? Does she feel anything? Is she counting down to the next RE appointment to see if it is alive?" I felt exhausted and it wasn't even me.

It made me think, do I want to be pregnant again? In theory, yes. Not only do I wish I had had the feeling of a baby move, or see my nose or J's eyes on something tiny, but I also hate it when I fail at something. I rarely do it because I either work at it til I succeed or I walk away (quitters sometimes win when they decide they don't want to do it anymore!).

In this case, I have walked away. I still feel this echo of envy, though, at her pregnancy. What i don't feel envious of is her fear and anxiety and over 50% chance that this pregnancy will end in nothing but an ER or some pills. So I guess I would say that Iwant to give birth, but don't want to go through the pregnancy. I am not up to the stress.

I would never trade C for the world. She is mine, through and through. She feels like she came from me and she is as much my blood as any biological child would be. How I got her is less important every day, but still, she won't have a birth story to hear and I won't be able to say "oh yes, you get that slouch from me" or "yes, dad does have a crap attitude and you really got it from him". I hope she's ok with that. I think I will be.