Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Radio silence - but a good reason

So, here I am.

11 weeks ago we found out i was PG again. Why, R, do you continue to do this? Because I did not feel done. I felt like I had not conquered this. I beat PCOS and I wanted to beat MotherFucker too.

I did.

For the first time, we saw a healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks. 175 to be exact! Everyone thought it was a girl!

For the first time, I got morning sickness. Stopped eating meat. Ate Life cereal for dinner for 5 weeks.

For the first time, my pants stopped fitting and I actually considered getting maternity wear.

I felt pregnant. I felt sick. I felt like shit.

I also felt major psychic torture because I couldn't believe that this would actually work out and I would actually get to experience giving birth.

Turns out I was right.

Today I went in, off-appointment, because I was in a horrible state thinking that something was wrong. I was right.

For the first time, I got to see what a genetically abnormal fetus looks like on an ultrasound. It was sad, horrifying and scary. There is no way this baby could've made it. They think that what was wrong with her (it was a her, they think, based on the diagnosis of the disease) was Turners' Syndrome, which (as Dr Google told me) is a genetic disorder where the fetus doesn't get any XX chromosomes. It only happens to girls. It is 97% fatal.

I cried on the table, I cried in the doctor's office, I cried in the little room they put me in to wait for the hospital to call to schedule my D/C.

And then I stopped crying, because really, I have a daughter. A beautiful perfect daughter. And we have the ways and means to have more children. And will. And while this is sad it didn't work out it is not fair to wish that she had lived with that issue.

So in a lovely touch of irony, I will end my last pregnancy on Charlotte's Gotcha Day. The day she officially became ours. And no one can take that away.


Blogger G$ said...

My heart aches for you, this is never easy. Hang in there.

11:47 AM  
Blogger areyoukiddingme said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Congratulations on your beautiful daughter. I am so sorry that her life was short. But each day of her life was one full of love and the safety of her mother's arms... From experience, the ache is endless and the pain is agony. I will be praying for you today. I am so very, very sorry.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Cara said...

This post is so sad and wise at the same time. Your daughter...gorgeous words.

1:03 PM  
Blogger A Decade of BFNs said...

I am very sorry about your loss. (here from LFCA)

2:18 PM  
Blogger Lavender Luz said...

The juxtaposition of the two is notable.

Supporting you during this time.

3:49 PM  
Blogger noswimmers said...

Oh sweetie...I am so very sorry. Sending you hugs, strength, and warmth.

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. (((hugs)))

4:14 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter.

4:49 PM  
Blogger Miriam said...

I'm so sorry to read this. Just wanted to send some support- *hug*

5:24 PM  
Blogger Shinejil said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and touched by your love for Charlotte. My warmest thoughts to you, her, and your partner as you go through this.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Heidi said...

I am so sorry

Love and hugs

9:46 AM  
Blogger Malia said...

Oh R, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious little girl...she is definitely in the arms of God right now...and may you find comfort in holding your little Charlotte!

11:07 AM  
Blogger sonja said...

I am so sorry ...

8:38 AM  
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