What a day - week - month....augh.

So after my big epiphany that I don't think I want to continue, I went to the RE and he said that my ovaries are cyst-free and I can start the Lupron shots next week. Of course it was like the best visit ever.

I talked to J and we agreed to go ahead with the IVF this cycle, but that after this we would revisit and potentially go straight to adoption. You women out there who do fertility treatment for longer than 6 months are my heros; I am strong and all that shit but this hormonal roller coaster and physical pain is way too much for this sista.

J did potentially figure out some insurance stuff we can do through his company, so if we do decide to continue this madness we can get some financial help. He rocks.

So get this. I am not really sleeping cause of bad dreams (like sister taking niece away forever and J divorcing me, getting fired, etc) so am really tired. Last night got home from a gig and cleaned my diamond engagement and wedding rings. Then promptly spaced out and THOUGHT I put them on my nightstand, like every other night. This morning, no rings. Panicked, tore apart our bedroom (J is still in Barcelona), but no dice. Made it to 2:30 pm then came home. Still no rings. Worst thought - when I threw the TP into the toliet after I used it to clean the rings, I threw the rings too and flushed the whole thing. Am sick about it. All night running upstairs to check asinine places like my sock drawer or bra collection thinking I somehow put these rings down and left them somewhere totally random.

Finally, at like 11:30, I go into the bathroom and decide one more time to check the garbage. I checked twice already. It was nasty with all the paper products that deal with my spotting and such going on, but I powered through the multitude of TP. And, guess what. Two beautiful rings at the bottom of the garbage. Hidden by a pad. Jesus f-cking christ. Am I retarded or what? J was a star, even got me flowers cause I was so upset. I swear he is too good for me.

So am sitting here, with my rings back in their rightful place, hoping I can sleep without some awful real-life feeling dream to freak my sh-t out. My acupuncurist says it is all the hormones, but I just think I am one stressed out woman.

And I am not even taking shots right now. What will I be like when we ramp up again?

All you women who can get pregnant easily; REJOICE. I am not mad, or even jealous. I just hope they know what they have.