Friday, October 26, 2007

Good and bad news

Bad news: I officially had some kind of physical and mental breakdown last week which resulted in really bad physical problems and an anxiety attack like never before that lasted 5 days. Five days of pounding head, horrible fear and anxiety and a deep sense of loss and grief is too much. I called my therapist and asked for the name of a psychiatrist so I can get on meds. I guess 3 miscarriages in 9 months would do anyone in, but for some reason I thought I was stronger than that. Everyone telling me how brave I was sort of weirdly put pressure on me not to recognize the dangerous place I was going and it all came down around me.

Bad news: We got our test results back. DPR was a girl. A poor girl that will never be born. I was so upset. We had not anthropomorphized the fetus but hearing it was a gender really hit me hard. In addition it was totally chromisomally normal, which sounds like good news but really isnt, as that means they don't know why I keep m/c. Fuck. Double fuck.

Good news: We ARE MATCHED! Our baby is due March 3. The paperwork is signed, we talked to her on the phone, and we loved her. She seems very focused and ready - this is her second adoption of a child - and she is 4 months along. J and I are flying to Tampa to meet her over thanksgiving, and then hopefully will be going down in March to pick up our kid!!!! Of course she can change her mind or something health wise could happen, but hey, we are as far along as we ever have been. We will find out the gender in a week.


Thought I would end on a good note. No name for this baby yet, too soon. And we are too wary to joke anymore, so we will just call it "ours".


Anonymous Anonymous said...

When in Tampa I highly recommend Busch Gardens. Awesome roller coasters there, It'll prepare you for a few years down the road when Guberbaby will want to go to amusement parks.

5:56 PM  
Blogger ldahospud said...

Fingers, arms, legs, eyes, and any other crossable body parts are crossed for you until your March date! Wooo hoooo!

12:36 AM  
Blogger Malia said...

Oh R, my heart goes out to you...FIRST, for your recent episode of mental anquish (which is COMPLETELY understandable after all that you have been through!)..Secondly, for the news you got that your little DP was a little girl. No words can convey how that information must have affected you...
BUT especially that WONDERFUL news that you will finally be a MOM...as soon as MARCH...now, THAT, is what you call a MIRACLE! Prayers are going out right now that all will go as planned! God Bless you & that new baby coming!

3:17 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

What wonderful news (the second part, not the first)!

Hope it's smooth sailing from here on out.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. This is my first time to your blog...heard about you on "Lost and Found."

On the other hand, GREAT news about your match! Something to be happy about...albeit understandably cautiously.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

I am so, so sorry you are having a hard time. I have suffered from anxiety as well because of my losses - took me a very long time to realize what it was because I too was trying to live up to everyone's expectations and just suck it up.

My GP started me on Lexapro and Xanex (for the bad attacks) in 12/06 and it was life-changing. I was able to finally get all of the grief out with my therapist the right way - and the meds helped me to feel physically better. There is nothing wrong with asking for the meds - you have not failed or let anyone down. If anything, you are finally giving yourself a chance to acknowledge all of the hurt you have and really begin to work through it.

I will be thinking of you... Please let me know if there is anything I can do.


10:41 AM  

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