Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Life's little lessons are cool but still sort of suck when it's you

My attitude towards a lot of things has changed.

First, I feel like maybe while there's no god, maybe there is some reason for all this. I believe we are supposed to learn things on this earth (perhaps this world view is colored by having, oh, I don't know, TWO PROFESSORS for parents?) and I am getting a PhD in Things I Don't Do Well.

Potentially I am supposed to learn patience. I am so impatient I have told complete strangers to, and I quote, "fucking move your ass" on the street. Then there was that one who told me to kiss her ass and I apologized, having evidently mistaken a true New Yorker for a tourist. My bad. I was the only person in Oregon who ever used their horn, ever, and got in trouble in 11th grade for flipping off the Assistant Superintendent of Schools for cutting me off and then driving like the old, old man he was. True story. I don't give people a break and I snap when they don't meet my expectations RIGHT THEN. I once cried in McDonalds because I didn't get the Filet O Fish I wanted RIGHT THEN. Remember that? RIGHT NOW has been my mantra since before I had a mantra and just drooled a lot. But I wanted my blankie RIGHT THEN.

I am also one who tries to control everything. My food intake, my surroundings, my husband (when he lets me, which is never enough of the time) and my life. I am in control of my job, my home, and my commute. I am so far out of control of my body right now I may as well be that dude in InnerSpace who has Dennis Quaid driving around in his bloodstream in that little spaceship. I am excreting things out of every orifice. I can't eat without it coming out, sometimes almost fully whole (ever shit out a whole cashew? Really?) in a mess a few hours later. My migraines are so extreme lately that I had to take a rest, a la my 2 year old nephew, at my father in law's birthday party. I am tired, sore, shaky, emotional and crampy. Every day is some new symptom or physical manifestation of my angst either emotional or D&C related.

In a nutshell, I am a mess.

But, I have realized, sort of accepted, and owned that i am totally out of control. I can't make my body hold a pregnancy. I can't even make my body hold down spaghetti. I can't make other people stop getting pg and I can't control when a birthmother picks us. And when she does, I can't control what she puts in HER mouth and when she sees the doctor and even if she goes through with it.

So, I say "things will work out" or "we shall see" a lot more. And it is actually ok.

I am also willing to see how this whole thing turns out. I have a sense of calm, and have through this entire last mindfuck pregnancy, that things are unfolding. I am not in a rush and am happy to just sit, sometimes for quite awhile, and relax. I like watching people lately and have even quashed my desire to punch all pg ladies in the ovaries. My commute doesn't bother me and when someone keeps me waiting at work I merely find other things to do.

Maybe I am learning. And gaining some patience.

Two skills that I have HEARD, from experts, might make raising a kid a bit easier.

Huh. Imagine that.


Blogger tommysmommy said...

How is it, that in your darkest times, you are still able to make me laugh? The title of this post is going to be printed out and put on my corkboard so I can see it everyday. Thank you for all that you share - it's like a live visit with you.

9:49 PM  

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