Sunday, October 07, 2007

Infertility and Existentialism

I think people who have seriously shitty things happen to them, like, say, three miscarriages and two disrupted adoption matches in less than one calendar year, tend to do one of two things:

1. Decide that forces bigger than them (god, fate, the feds) know what they are doing and while we, as mere humans, dont, that doesn't mean there isn't a grand plan and we just, as mere humans, take a long time to figure out that plan. But oh yes, sista, there's a plan.

2. Decide that chaos theory rules, that there is no meaning or reasons or anything in the universe, everything is up for grabs, there is no karma or meaning or god or anything driving this bus.

Guess which one I fall into?

To feel as though there is no meaning, and that all attemps to pull together some form of reasoning for all this shit happening is wasted energy, is both terrifying and strangely freeing. I don't have to look for interrelated actions. Karma means nothing. Nothing I do matters, really. So what the hell. Eat sugar. Don't exercise. Walk in front of buses. Ok, not that. I still believe ins science, and two immovable objects will cause problems.

All I mean is that I can feel free to go live with my adoption profile, and hope that some bm and bf pick me and that they stick with the plan and maybe I will get to come home with a baby sometime before I die - cause it's totally random. Nothing I do can really affect it, no amount of praying or justifying or handing homeless people a dollar will impact it. There is no meaning and no reason anymore - just carbon molecules who make decisions based on the facts as we know them that may change or may not change.

When we got pg with DPR, I thought "OH!!! So the reason we lost 3 ivf babies (remember the first one was two) is cause i was supposed to do this THIS way! Well thank god the universe had a plan for me, and now I get it". Until the giant fuck you of the 3rd m/c. Now i don't get it again, am tired of trying to get it, and feel stupid for even thinking I could get ANYTHING.

I am 1/2 annoyed and 1/2 jealous of people who believe. 1/2 annoyed becaues it just takes a good look around to see nothing is really in charge. Fate doesn't exist and "things work out like they are supposed to" just doesn't even make sense. Really? I am supposed to have three ghost children running around our house? Really? Great! Wow, fate is cool. And WHY did that happen again? Oh yes. The answer: we don't know. Right.

1/2 jealous because to believe someone is in charge, that there is a reason for all this, that this is part of some big plan that will be revealed to you, must be very comforting. I don't have that level of comfort. I am comfortless. But i feel like for me, to see things any other way is not only rather ridiculous but also dangerous. To try to figure out why my uterus continually rejects children is best left for the RE and science. Do I think he will get an answer? No. I think there is a reason but I am one of the .01% of women who truly, no shit, no kidding, can't have children. And medical science, today in 2007, doesn't know enough to change that. Maybe if i were bleeding in 2700, we would get this figured out. But not today.

And that is a truth I can understand.

I have many friends who believe various and sundry things that fall under #1. I am thrilled to have them as friends, and do envy them their security and comfort. However to use a Matrix analogy, I took the red pill and can't seem to fit myself back in that world. I think I will get used to being here, and will find my way in a place where nothing makes sense and shit, as they say, just happens. Today though it does feel a bit cold and scary.

This goes much deeper than atheism. This goes as deep as giving up a primary belief system I have had since a child. I talked to god then. I believed that I would be rewarded for good and punished for bad.

Wow. That didn't happen, now, did it?


Blogger Lori said...

Oh, R. I'm sorry for all you've been through. Sounds really rough.

I, too, went through the Dark Night of the Soul. It lasted years.

Still, I can't tell you which camp I'm in now. I've moved away from the whole "good things happen to good people" idea, though.

I hope things progress on your adoption.

And stay away from fast-moving buses. :)

11:33 AM  

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