Surgery and Journey

Had my d&c. Wouldn't recommend it but it wasn't awful- the worst part was when I had to go into the OR and get up on the table - it is like a million hands are pulling at you - putting in the IV, putting on the oxygen mask, checking vitals - etc. It was a real surgery, I was surprised. I thought it was like the IVF retreival but it was serious shit. I was at the hospital for 5 hours.

I did sit by the woman I mentioned in my blog yesterday - she made me teary with her sad face. Then her ADORABLE 3 year oldcame bounding in (who knew?) and I decided enough empathy for her - she has a fucking kid. Then I cried for myself. Cause I don't.

After surgery I woke up when J came into the recovery room. I don't remember it but supposedly I yelled out my social security number as some nurse somewhere in NYC had asked him for it. Always helpful, even when drugged. And now identity theft is on my list of things to be worried about. I don't remember it at all.

The saddest part of the day was walking to the hospital. I decided to walk from Port Authority as it is beautiful out and I love walking in the city. As I was coming up 9th Avenue, listening to Journey, this song called "Lights" came on and I was reminded of my dear college friend L who lives in Long Beach. The song always reminds me of her cause she loves San Fran and that is what the song is about. I started to get very teary as I miss her so much, but also miss the days when we were all living together in college; carefree doesn't even describe it. It was perfect.

I started wondering how things got so fucked up. If someone had told me I would've had so much trouble starting a family; IVF, PCOS, MTHFR, 3 miscarriages, etc, I would've told them to forget it. I am so glad I didn't know then what I knew now; I am not sure I would've had the strength. I still wonder if i do.

Dr S came out prior to the surgery to talk to us and said that our blood tests had gotten mixed up and that my test showed I was not pregnant. We had a good, ironic, semi-painful laugh over that. He also asked us about donor eggs or donor embryos but we all decided (all three of us) that it was not the right day to talk about that.

I did ask if he thought while in there he should just tie my tubes to prevent future miscarriages (oh wait I mean pregnancies) but he said no - I thought it might be irresponsible to get pg again but he said there is no reason to prevent. We don't have to worry about that for awhile anyway.

So we are 100% focused on adoption now. We are both excited, mentally ready, and fully engaged. Our profile will be live next week and we embrace what's next. This was a detour, albeit a nice, lovely one, but we are back on track.