Friday, November 02, 2007

I Wanna Know Something

Today was rough. At the end of a long, super crappy week a co worker called me and told me she was PG. Due on my due date in May. Fuck you, I wanted to say. Congrats! I said. Then hung up, shut my office door, and cried for 45 minutes.

I spent tonight at some dear friends' home, playing with their newborn and having dinner while J worked. It was really, really nice. But we started talking about the annus horribilus I have had and she and I wondered, out loud, if this is just what it is.

I mean do other people have three miscarriages and two adoption disruptions in one calendar year? Is our journey, the one that started with wanting to do what 16 year old crack whores can do, that different from other IFs? Right now with the water rising and currently 35 feet over my head, depressed, in desperate need of SSRIs and unable to find a single.fucking.psychiatrist in NYC to prescribe me meds, I feel singled out. I feel like our journey is harder. I feel like it is, as my friend Y said 'Mission Impossible', only our orders already blew up and I never even got to see them. Is this right? Can I expect more? Have we just started and every day will continue to be a fresh hell for years and years?

I want answers from others. And I am so thrilled that a dear beautiful woman has a meeting place of sort for IF/adoption bloggers called lost and found at http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/ has listed my blog on there and asked, on my behalf, for other bloggers to come offer support. And oh boy did they. I had more comments last post than any other, almost combined, each more beautiful than the next. I spent hours at night perusing other blogs that were, in many ways, mirrors of this one. Any hope i had of being the wittiest, driest, most eloquent blog around these topics quickly dissapeared. But these women are pro bloggers. So tell me, please, oh wise sisters, is our journey normal? I mean normal for the fucked up, jacked around, subculture that is the IF to adoption journey?

Do I need to stop feeling sorry for myself? Cause I would love to. And all the fertiles in my life are accidentally making me feel like I am typhoid Mary and calamity Jane in one package. Mary Jane, as it were. My journey is SO completely different and awful compared to theirs. And I hate feeling like that because with that negativity as my outside voice, who needs negative self talk?

Tell me we are not alone. Please.


Blogger The Town Criers said...

You're not alone. You are having an unfair share of shitty luck right now, but you're not alone. This line was perfect: "I feel like it is, as my friend Y said 'Mission Impossible', only our orders already blew up and I never even got to see them." That is exactly how it feels sometimes.

7:30 PM  
Blogger JJ said...

You are definitely not alone--and thanks for coming over to say hi. Ill be checking in on you!
I have felt that way (about pg announcements) a LOT lately--its SO TOUGH. But I get it--I definitely get it.
Hugs to you....

2:54 PM  

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