Monday, February 19, 2007

Last day of solitude - with update from tonight

Quick update: I just have to send mad props to my family. I just found out that my amazing mother, who has been a rock and support and shoulder to cry on and a daily checkup on me since way back in December when we started this entire process (and, actually, my entire life, for that matter), broke her wrist 6 weeks ago and never told me so as not to burden me with stress. Six weeks!!!!!!! My sister and dad, who are as amazing as my mom and have offered nothing but unconditional love and support, knew. And they all decided it was better to let me find out later so as to keep my stress level low. Amazing. Truly. I am humbled.

Anyway, this is one of the most unselfish acts I have ever seen, and I am both honored and horrified by it. Honored that I come from a family that is so unselfish and so concerned about others that they would do something like this for me. Horrified because my mom went through pain and bone sets and stress and the entire time called me every day and never let on that she was in pain and thus I never knew. I was wondering why she was always home - and selfishly was glad she was there every day when I called.

Maybe this is my inspiration to stop the narcisissm and start remembering that others have lives to. That would be nice. I think I will.

Oh, spoke to the Dr tonight - she said that I am probably experiencing the "real" miscarriage - meaning that if I hadn't taken the pills this is the day my body would've realized what had happened. What I am experiencing is the passing of the rest of my endometrial lining, so once this is over I should be good as new. She also said that my type of miscarriage was the "best" (ha) to have - meaning if the baby never has a heartbeat, it is almost always a freak genetic issue, whereas if we had heard the heartbeat, and then the miscarriage happened, we would want to do a full workup on me as something odd occurred. When you hear the heartbeat, your chances go WAY down for anything to happen, which made me very happy for my two close friends who both heard the heartbeat last week.

Original post from today:
I go back to work tomorrow, to find out if I still have a job. We let go over 250 folks last week, most of them senior people. My group is probably hit tomorrow. Ironic that my promotion may cost me my job, but then again that is not so unusual.

I took a big step yesterday - a dear friend called and I took the call. Jeff asked if I wanted to talk to her, and I said no. Then I hestitated, because in fact I really did want to talk to her. So I took a deep breath and answered the phone.

Basically, what was probably a 75 minute regular call for her was a giant step forward for me - we talked about everything from her new mattress purchase to my miscarriage to her 9 weeks along pregnancy to our upcoming vacation. It was like therapy for me. In fact she is an aspiring therapist, in the midst of her PhD in psychology, and we spent like 15 minutes trying to figure out the name of the phobia I have right now - fear of other people. I said agoraphobic, but that isn't right. If anyone knows, leave me a comment. Anyway, it was a fantastic conversation and gave me hope that maybe I am doing better than I think I am.

She gave me a great idea - she credits her pregancy to a special diet she went on that addressed her particular fertility problem (which is not mine, but is just as common as PCOS). I have a book, dusty under my bed, called "Managing PCOS Through Diet: Improving Health and Fertility". I took it out, dusted it off, and plan to read and follow it. I figure if i can manage my blood sugar, maybe it will help level my hormones out, and will help us make some better eggs for this cycle. And if not, I ate healthy for a few weeks, lost a few pounds, and no one gets hurt.

I spent today out, but in solitude. Or as much solitude as anyone can have in NYC. I went to the gym, got my hair cut, had lunch and got my nails done. I didn't have to talk to anyone I didn't want to. No one asked me anything, except a nice couple at the Indian restaurant who wanted to know what to order. Side note: they were from out of town and told me they were there to get away from their 3 kids, and once lunch came I took out my thick "infertility" book and probably shocked them into silence.

But I was really soothed by the presence of people, and always love walking around the city.

I did cry today, so have not yet made it a day without doing that. But lately my cry's have been less about loss and more about gratitude - for J, for my family, for friends who sent flowers or cards or emails or phone calls. People reaching out to us makes me weepy but not sad, if that makes sense.

Physically I am still a disaster. I am bleeding quite a bit and have tremendous abdominal tenderness and cramps. I called the Dr to see if I need to come back in before vacation to take another HCG test, but I think he is picking this random holiday to shut the office (they were open Jan 1 for Christ's sake!!!!!) so no one got back to me. I will try again tomorrow. My cold is still hanging on and now when I bend over it hurts in my sinuses, so I am hoping that is just pressure and not an infection.

I came home to futz with our Itunes more - making playlists for our upcoming vacation. Nice, mindless work and I love it. I was watching "When Stella Got Her Groove Back" and realize I hope that is what happens to me soon - not hooking up with some 20 year old Taye Diggs lookalike of course, but just feeling more like me. I am still such a different person than I have been. Makes me sad. I miss me. Update: Maybe my family gave me my groove back today. What a gift.


Blogger Alyssa said...

Hi there - Sounds like you don't really have a fear of people, just a fear of the people you know since you felt soothed by people. That being said - you know me, always up for a challenge to research something. Here is what I came up with:

1) anthropophobia - fear of people
2) allodoxaphobia - fear of other people's opinions
3) sociophobia - fear of society or people in general

I think you are doing really well. I am so glad you chatted with her yesterday (she told me), glad you got out today and did nice, pampering stuff for yourself, and I am looking forward to seeing you this week if you're up to it.

Love you two -

8:41 PM  
Blogger Y said...

what a gift from your family -- hey, love you. and the phone conversation meant a lot to me too. i already told you what i think the fear is about -- not a phobia -- let's not overdiagnose! :)

6:12 PM  

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