WARNING - Graphic info ahead

So, its over.

I took the pills yesterday at about 3:45 and by 4:15 I was already bleeding. And when I say bleeding, I mean gory nasty you-can't-believe-it bleeding. Then the cramps started. They were pretty awful, but no more awful than the worst period you've ever had.

The lowest moment came at around 6:45 when I am sure i passed our baby. I didn't look of course, and thank god was in the downstairs bathroom where the toilet bowl is already a lovely shade of 70s-mauve so nothing shows up in there, but I felt it. And I knew it. I felt physically ill for about 20 minutes after, either as a result of the quick hormonal drop or as a result of what had happened. I thought i was going to throw up and then thought how IRONIC that after the miscarriage I finally get morning sickness.

I am thankful beyond belief that the pills worked. By the time yesterday was here I had stopped thinking of the baby as anything but what it was - it did not feel alive to me. Knowing it had been gone for 2 weeks made the process better, somehow. It had been ours, and then it was nothing.

We had christened it Stewie as you know. We have decided to do many things differently next time, and not naming it is one. I think unfortunately one of the saddest things about miscarriage is that you never enjoy pregnancy again. Reading the books together, telling friends, looking wistfully at maternity clothes, thrilling in every symptom - that will not be our future. Instead I think we will find out we are expecting and then try to forget about it for at least 12 weeks. It is the only way to protect our hearts. I have many friends who have also experienced this, unfortunately, and they have all said that resulting pregnancy for them was never without anxiety, dread and fear. The purpose of my therapy is to minimize that, but i will not eliminate it.

So what am I happy for? A few things:

1. Happy that I was able to get pregnant. People say never to say this to women who lose babies but why not? It's true. That's half the battle.
2. Happy that our friends and family are some of the most supportive, amazing people we have met. In a time of trouble, which we have luckily not experienced that often, they have come through in spades - with calls, emails, offers of help and food (we are Jews after all), and true love. I bask in it like the sun.
3. Happy that I married J. I thanked him last night for the 100th dinner he made me and 100th time he tucked me in. He said 'we agreed in sickness and in health' and I said 'well the health period was relatively short, my love, sorry about that' and he just laughed. We have grown so much closer this week, if that is even possible. He is my best friend, my rock and my support. To paraphrase ee cummings, I carry his heart in my heart. I hate that he married an old bag with bad eggs but he doesn't seem to mind.
4. Happy that we are finding the strength to even consider trying again. Because I have been relatively lucky in my life, I always wondered what I would do when a true tragedy struck. The answer is, cry, moan, laugh, talk, not talk, hide and think. But I have somehow figured out that I am stronger than I thought for even considering trying this again. J has so much to do with that, too. He is positive, but more than that, he is realistic, and sees that there is no reason not to try again. I agree.
5. Happy that for 6 weeks and a few days I was someone's Mom. And I loved it. I am not ambivalent about motherhood - in fact I crave it like chocolate. This means that whether we birth or buy a baby (hooray some irreverence returns!) we will be ready and open and accept it into our hearts.

I know a few people who have had children who are obviously not happy they made this choice. Unfortunately in all of these acses their pregnancy was easily attained and went smoothly - so they never had a chance to really examine their feelings or 'want it'. Now, I know plenty of women who are not conflicted at all who also had easy times, but the few conflicted women I know sailed through the first part and are getting the second part stuck in their throat. Our hard part is now and I think the second part will be joyful.

I am home today, as the wrath of the gods continue and I have a bad cold. The thing that makes me happy though is I got the cold from kissing my 8 month old niece Maya when SHE had a cold - which makes it ok.

UPDATE: just have to share the most random thing. I was downstairs watching TV and I heard our two hamsters, Ellen and Rosie (they are lesbians) making a ton of noise. I went over and picked up Ellen from beneath the chips. She came up with my hand, as did like 3 HAMSTER BABIES. Ok. They are not both girls. Ok. Our hamsters had a baby. Ok. I touched it. Ew.

I had to call J who is better at hamster care and maintenance. He said to take Rosie (maybe Arsenio?) out as he would eat the babies, which he tried to do. I totally went for it - my skeevishness dissapearing as I knew i had to save those babies. He is sitting nicely in a large garbage can with his own wheel food and water, and Ellen picked up each tiny baby and brought them back to her under the chips. They still may not live but at least I removed the danger.

I think they were born yesterday. As I was passing. And that is karma.