Sunday, February 18, 2007

Sad Sunday

I am not feeling so great today. We went to a dinner/comedy show last night which was fun but it was sort of weird not talking to anyone about this for hours on end - we went with Jeff's sister and brother in law, whom we haven't seen since the miscarriage, and yet we couldn't talk about it as there were other people at the table that they knew. It felt like the words and my feelings were right below the surface, wanting to come out. And of course there was a beatific beautiful pregnant woman sitting right in my line of sight, absently stroking her belly throughout the evening. I watched her much more than the comedians.

I am just so extroverted that I need to talk about this. All the time right now. This is even more reason why I shouldn't see anyone here anytime soon - no one is going to want to hear about this. No one. Nor should they. This is why I am so glad to see my family later this week - I think they are ok hearing about it. And I don't have to worry about pissing them off or overstepping my bounds - who said that family means when you go there they have to take you in?

To make matters worse I have a bad cold so was up early this morning trying to breathe. Its like I can just sit and stare at the wall for hours - thinking about the miscarriage, our next cycle, adoption, etc. I am totally unidimensional right now, a trait I hate in others. And myself.

Lately I have been thinking that while I will do everything to make this cycle successful, I don't have much hope. I feel like the odds are desperately against us to have a healthy, live birth and these same odds make me unsure we will even get pregnant again. Maybe we made it look easy last time but it isn't - less than 35% of women my age get pregnant through IVF so while we beat the odds last time (well, beat them up to a point - they sure caught up to us) I am just not sure this time.

I find myself spending tons of time reading others' blogs. People I don't know, but who are either in process of IF treatment, are pregnant, or have given up and gone to adoption. The latter really intrigue me - each of these women have gone through the same process I feel I will have to go through - a release of the desire to have one's own biological child. They deal with stupid, ignorant people who say stupid, ignorant things. They deal with these people with grace - much more than I will be able to summon up. The nice thing is they all have one thing in common - unconditional love for their adopted child. That makes me feel so much better.

I got up to make J breakfast this morning - I am so sick of feeling like a victim and a patient. I am so sick of not carrying my own weight - here, at work, in the Sirens. I am so sick of not feeling well. The physical fatigue, the constant pain in my uterus (even now - which I assume is muscle pain after the heavy cramping), the bloating, the depression, the weakness in my muscles from not going to the gym in months - it is like I woke up and am not only my age, but much, much older. My energy level is zero and my desire to engage the outside world even less. I feel like I have lost myself and can't even figure out where to start looking.

Actually, I feel like we are both nesting, but have nothing to nest for.


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