Visit with Dr S

J and I went this morning to our follow up. Dr S was great and spent 40 minutes with us. He verified the miscarriage through ultrasound, then sat us down to chat.

Basically, the baby died around 6 1/2 weeks. I feel like a complete asshole because I walked around for almost 2 weeks feeling pregnant. It is like i made it up or something. He said I was still making HCG but now it should start to go down.

He doesn't see any reason we won't be able to have a live birth, but the fact is PCOS + Age = bad eggs and high chance of miscarriage. The metformin helps but doesn't prevent. And he really thinks i had two in there, which went to one almost immediately, which went to 0 within two weeks. Not good odds for someone who started this process with 25 eggs.

Next time, depending on how many eggs we get, we will do something called PGD where they test the embryos prior to transfer for genetic anomolies. It may not have diagnosed this, but it may. It is $5000 and not covered by insurance, but I would've spent a million not to have to go through this. The issue is it may mean that we don't transfer any - as I don't make that many viable eggs to begin with and if the few we have left at Day 5 are abnormal that's all she wrote.

Speaking of, by this time tomorrow I hope to be done. I just put in the 4 pills that will end this pregnancy and by tomorrow should have passed all the material. Material. That is so awful. I think tonight may be the worst in my life so far between the physical pain this will cause and the mental anguish of knowing what i am doing but once it is over we can start our healing process, I am hoping. It also means that we can go on vacation next week without worrying about bleeding or anything.

I don't even want to get into adoption here but it is on my mind. My therapist said we are not ready to go there yet - J and I are very invested in trying at least one more time. Right now, at this moment, adoption feels like an also-ran and I need to GET OVER THAT as i know, intellectually, that it is not. But I have a fear that my family and friends won't accept our child as our own, which is also totally ridiculous and probably projection.

DAMN I need that therapist. Who knew I was so screwed up?