a crack in the armor

Just so no one thinks that I have become this Pollyanna of Positive Thinking, I had a pretty bad start to the international holiday that is my birthday yesterday. I became convinced on Friday night that all the babies were gone. I lay in bed (lied in bed? Laid in bed?) Friday night, weeping silently (J was playing his digital heroin, PS2, and was unaware of the breakdown occuring two flights up) that this didn't work, that even with four beautiful well-formed blasts (one of which was practically walking), even tho there is no reason to think my uterus is nothing but a lovely 4-star hotel, I would be spending my life going to baby showers and kids' parties with a smile plastered on my face, gift in hand, wishing silently that I could've been so lucky as to have had a child, but alas the fates were against me. I seriously took that image about as far as I could go, wrenching a lovely combo of pity, anger and resignation from myself.

When J woke me Saturday morning, my actual birthday, with the gentle stab that is my PIO shot, I shared this vision with him. Of course, he a combo of the voice of reason and that Monthy Python song (always look on the bright side of life...) so he thinks it worked and I don't have proof it didn't.

I moped about all morning, slept til 11 after the shot, and only roused when we discussed going to breakfast. At breakfast, I cried over my pancakes about another year older and no offspring. When you re trying to have a baby, rolling over a year is NOT good - in this case my push to 38 put me in a whole nother statistic box that sucks.

J handled it well, he made me a deal. He said if Friday's news is bad, he will help me begin to research adoption agencies and help me move forward quickly so that we MAY have a baby by 39. The deal is I have to be positive and send positive vibes to the babies (whom he is convinced are still there) for another 5 days. I agreed to this deal and started the process of PUTPOYSLAMO (picking up the pieces of your shattered life and moving on).

So we ran errands and then I took another nap. Hello. Sleepy, anyone? J pointed out that excessive tiredness and moody behavior were TYPICAL signs of early pregnancy, but of course we both know that it is so damn early the chances of there being any signs at all is nil.

We had a great dinner last night in the city and I got a gift certificate for TWO massages at a place on the UWS, to be used either as pregnancy massages or to drown my sorrows.

My birthday was salvaged, my mood improved, and once again, I was proven to have married the right man.