97% is not good enough

Heard from Nurse C today - my HCG is still 90, which is a 97% drop from last week but still not zero, which is what I need to start cycling. Goddamnit. Everything right now is hurry up and wait and my ass is tired.

So I go back next Tuesday to take blood again and hopefully my body will finally admit defeat and release the rest. If not I literally don't know what to do as all "pregnancy materials" are out and I am almost done spotting, too.

I went to the Grove today, this cool outdoor shopping mall. It is cold as hell here so i bought nothing as the tank tops and frilly nothing skirts made me want to buy Uggs and a parka. I did buy a book on miscarriage, which immediately made me sob in the Barnes and Noble upon opening. There is a whole chapter on Miscarriage and Infertility - the double whammy. Not sure what I hope to gain by reading it, except it makes me feel better to see my reactions in print.

I also ate a disgusting lunch of quiche and a rice krispy treat - totally verboten on my no sugar diet. I felt like spitting in the face of PCOS but now I just feel like barfing in the toilet.

Ellie has a Purim party today but sadly I opted out - being with 13 children under 3 years of age left me bereft and grieving last week, so I took a pass and asked B to take lots of pictures. I never grow tired of that little girl.

We leave tonight for my friend L's house, and my girls weekend. I am really looking forward to that, and hope that I can keep it together for the weekend. I don't want to drag anyone down but at the same time hope that these ladies may actually soothe me - they always did in the past. They are wonderful and funny and smart and seeing them for 3 days straight (the first time since I moved from Portland) will be a gift.