Buns of steel and legs of pain

Quick Update from Job's castle:

My aunt, who beat breast cancer 10 years ago, just found out she has it again - different breast and different kind. We don't have much info but are waiting til next week to see what the lumpectomy finds. Ok, God, can you go bug another family for awhile?

I went to my brother-in-laws Bodysculpt class last night, he teaches every night at the LA Fitness near their house. Holy. Shit. It is the kind of sore where I get up from sitting, eating, or the toilet and scream out loud. The good news is I was able to keep up, and in fact he even said I had good form, but today I am incapacitated. I walked about 4 miles total today, to and from the Museum Of Tolerance, just to keep the pain at bay.

That place was amazing. It is not like I went there to forget I was sad, in fact it sort of a wallow fest, but at least no one is trying to exterminate my race or kill my family and it gave me that gift of perspective, at least for 4 hours. I was overwhelmed with the museum and impressed at the same time - if any of you have not gone, you must. Truly an amazing place.

Tomorrow is the opposite - i plan to shop at Beverly Center to celebrate my new start and my changed, slightly lamer, job. But I still have one and that is nice.

I went to my blood test this morning - to see if the HCG is out of my system. Haven't heard yet but should hear tomorrow, if it is low enough I can start bcp and this new cycle is officially on.

I haven't decided what to do once we get going - I guess stop writing once we get to the big show? Write but swear you all to secrecy? This place is really therapeutic for me, but at the same time, having to tell everyone was hard. I guess it is only hard if we get pregnant, which J is convinced we will. I am hopefuly but much less positive. Oh well I am about 4 weeks from that, anyway.

My niece is a joy. She is so cute but less cuddly than last time - her little personality is starting to show and she is going to be a handful and a blast at the same time. Very smart, very funny and very self-actualized. I truly enjoy being with her, tho it does have a sharp edge - I feel like I won't ever be able to experience having a child and once again find myself yearning something. I feel like I spent my twenties doing that and am tired of it. I want to feel settled and at peace again.

Yes, adoption is an option but even that seems very far away. Everything seems far away - like all I do is wait.

My sister gave me a beautiful ring that says "hope" on it - she gives it to people in her life who have had a struggle and need some hope. I am wearing it every day in the hopes that its message will seep through my skin and into my heart - all I truly have right now is hope and it seems a shame to not even have that.