Sunday, February 25, 2007

Live from the Pacific Ocean

We are in Oceanside, CA where it is a balmy 54 degrees and cloudy. I have worn the same sweatshirt for three days now.

I am having a great time catching up with my family, but also find myself feeling very very sad. There is something about being with my family of origin that makes me feel like I can take a deep breath and relax - cleansing in a way. Everyone is doing well, considering the year we have had as a family, but I feel so, so sad for some reason. Well, not for some reason. I know the reason.

For example, I went to get a massage with B and M today and cried for the entire first half, when I was on my stomach. Thank god the woman didn't notice - I had gotten control before turning over. J left today for Dubai and is now stuck in LAX and will be very late for his business meeting and I am just so sad that he left - I feel homesick for him. I hate being apart from him right now and in fact was up most of last night stressing out that something is going to happen to him. I was never like that before the miscarriage - it is like I feel like it has broken me in some fundamental way.

I wonder if this is ever going to pass. I thought I was doing better, but I am not now. I have had a few bad days in a row and am trying to keep a happy facade but I have not been too successful. Everyone here is being absolutely wonderful and supportive but it is time for me to try to stand up on my own and start solving my own issues now.

It doesn't help that I am still bleeding a lot - I wonder if i am anemic yet. I am hoping my blood test next Tuesday will show my beta at close to zero so I can start the BCP and hopefully stem the bleeding.

May or may not post again this trip - I just felt like I needed to write.


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