Ding Dong My Beta's Dead

Finally. Zero. And at first I was elated, HOORAY I can move on!

And then I got teary. Was that the last time I would ever have HCG in my body?

Would I ever watch the numbers go up again, instead of focusing on them going down?

That was the last vestige of Stewie and it hurt. I miss him all the time.

Two friends wrote to me that now I can really say goodbye and move on, which is true. But it is also true that I am sad.

So now what? Now J and I have The Talk. What do we do next? And how do we do it? And, since I am me, then what? And then what? And then what?

We have decided that whatever we do, it is not for blogland to know, at least not in real time, at least that is how we feel today.

For now, telling everyone our bid'ness is out of the question - it isn't fair to you guys to make you traverse through our drama. If we do IVF again, and if I get pregnant, I will write about it when I feel comfortable. If we do IVF and I don't get pregnant, I will write about it, but after the beta, when I know for sure.

I will keep writing in here, about thoughts on infertility and other things, but I may not share our day to day treatment options. Or I may. Depending on what we decide and how I feel.

I do feel like I am coming back, I had lunch with a preggers friend today and it only stung a little. Mostly it was warm and fun and nice. I laugh more and have my somewhat positive attitude back. I am seeing the good in things and not the bad, at least most of the time. I still bristle at people's pity and still linger a bit too long on bellies on the street, but mostly I am like 80% back. The sun was out today, and I forwent (huh?) a scarf for the first time since October. Well, except that global warming January when I could've forgone (huh???) clothes cause it was 68 degrees on New Year's.

Stay tuned. Whatever happens I promise to make fun of it.