Lots of stuff happening now

I had a great appt with my fertility therapist today. She doesn't help my fertility, she helps me emotionally deal with my INfertility. She and I talked about how much better I am doing (I said I was around 75%) and we talked about all kinds of great ideas she had about how I could manage my anxiety and stress in the next few weeks. I will start trying a few things, including going to a weekly group she hosts.

It is so sad- waiting for her I saw another 30-something woman come out of her office, and coming out myself there was a lovely woman waiting to go in. So much pain. I wanted to hug her and say WE WILL HAVE CHILDREN! I SWEAR! In my "I am 4" file comes this: why do some women have it so easy and others don't? Who makes that decision? SOOO not fair. Wah.

Not sure if it is the weather, or what, but I actually feel good - really strong physically. My stomach is flat for the first time in MONTHS and I have lost a lot of weight - I am eating right - no sugar (well, not much) and am doing yoga in the mornings. I do acupuncture each week and have stopped all drinking. I plan to start the real diet - no cheating - in a few days. And my energy is coming back - I have plans every night this week!

Part of my good feelings is that my headhunter called and the COO of a HUGE (biggest in the world in its field - and a creative field too!) company here who has a very very senior OD position open got my resume from them and wants to meet me ASAP. I am going in Friday. To have something go right makes me feel good - and to be wanted and valued is something I feel I was lacking.

I am very torn - on the one hand this job is easy, fun and I know everyone. I can come and go as I please as it is all about just getting my job done and not about face time anymore. I can take time for treatment and drs appointments and such, and no one bats an eye.

However, I am bored. I need challenge. And this new role, as a result of the reorg, has left me with no team and a much less interesting role. I am not as senior as I was, and taking it away is really hard.

This potential role is titled at Director, but it is SVP level (different titles at different companies) and reports into the COO for the parent company. And in the job posting it said that there is a chance for a GLOBAL HEAD role in the next year. Yikes! Am I up to that? Oh and did I mention it is TWICE AS MUCH MONEY???

Am i up to that I ask again? Should I stay here and relax and focus on health, even tho I am totally bored? Argh. I think I know the answer as I am taking the interview. My ambition is winning out. And BTW he may not even like me, which would solve this problem for me. If he decides to pass, I will relax and focus on other things here.

Normally i feel as though I am not qualified for any job - and that anyone who hires me is an idiot. One gift my current role, and old boss, gave me is that I feel confident and excited versus scared and not worthy. If I am not the right fit, so be it. But i know I could do it.

I know at the end of this process I will have a baby and a job and be happy. I am sort of excited to see how that happens, as I have no idea, but also am very anxious about how it will all happen. I do have to say about the journey - not so fond of it. Not so much. Let's just skip to the end please!

A teaser - tomorrow I will explain how I have become an agnostic. Yes, you heard me.