The plot thickens

Everything is happening at once.

I heard from the headhunter today, who said that the COO called him Friday RAVING about me and saying that he wants to bring me back. Fooled him! The headhunter said there are two other candidates but that I am now the one to beat and that I need to start thinking about what I want, what I need, etc from an offer. I expect to go back this week and meet the head of the NY Office and the consultant working on the talent management stuff to get a sense of their strategic direction.

Wow.

Then Sunday J and I went to look at a house because we need a driveway if we are going to have kids. And we need a bit bigger space. I found this AMAZING place about 2 miles closer to the city - or at least the Lincoln Tunnel - that is giant and beautiful and just what we need. It is also way out of our current budget. So now this new job is even more appealing - and is coming at a great time. We may be able to swing it if we can lowball the offer and they accept it, and we can sell our current house, and if I get this new job, and if I get the salary I am asking for. And if monkeys fly out of my ass.

Quick funny - the house has a full basement that has been converted to a doctor's office - the owner has been there 30 years (he has alzheimers and told us the same story like 20 times but I wanted to hug him - he was sweet and darling and you could tell he LOVED the house) and was an OB/GYN so the basement is an 8-room office, including 4 tables with stirrups. J wants to keep them if we get the house. Ew. Let's just say if the owner didn't have alzheimers I would've asked him 1 million questions like the poor embryologist at the concert the other night.

J and I stayed up really late last night talking. Basically we want to try IVF again but I am so scared that I am not able to carry to term. Even though the Dr gave us no indication of that, and even tho there is no known connection between the IVF/PCOS and losing Stewie, I just feel so incredibly unsure that I am able to carry a baby now. I guess I am skittish and afraid.

He sees that as being negative, and I am trying really hard to change my attitude, but I think the fear combined with the major pain, agony, shots, pills, etc that i have to go through is just a lot for me.

However, I can't imagine "giving up" without trying again. But there are a ton of folks on the PCOS websites who have had 7,8,9 miscarriages, some at 19-25 weeks, and it just seems really hard.

We will continue to talk. I hate that we have to even have that discussion, I wish I were more hopeful and wish I were less afraid. I am not a wimp, I evidently just play one on TV.