You're not there, god, it's me R

One interesting thing I became aware of in the last few days is that I no longer believe in God.

Now before you all start sending me hate mail, I am not saying YOU can't. I am saying I don't.

I came to this realization the other night at dinner. I was eating with my best friend from college, B, who is a Very Devout (read: drinks, has sex with women and then goes to church on Sunday) Christian. I kid - I love B and think he actually does live Christian values - he is such a good person. Anyway, he said that his church in NYC was praying for me. First to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then to heal from the miscarriage. I was so touched and told him thank you, very sincerly. The funny thing is he didn't want to share my name in case anyone knew me so he had them praying for "Erin". Whatev. Erin it is. Its the thought.

What I loved about that was the idea that 5000 (yes - megachurch. Side note: where does that exist in NYC? And is it for rent?) people were sending good thoughts my way. The common voice of so many humans must do something, and I loved the gesture.

He then asked if I had been praying too, or going to synagogue (uh, B, you have known me for like 20 years, have I ever gone?). As I answered, I realized that NOT ONCE through this horrible time have I prayed to god, talked to god, or even given god any thought at all.

I realized then, at a bar in Hell's Kitchen (ah, the irony) that I don't believe. Am I am not sure when this happened. I was raised Jewish in Idaho (yea hardy har har) by two parents who definitely seemed to believe in god. Or something. My sister is a Hebrew Bible scholar (Side note: she is smart as hell - I can't even READ the bible much less know every passage in 8 languages), so I can only assume that she has some feeling for, or about, god. Me, nothing. Fact is, an atheist friend of mine asked me as recently as 2 years ago if I believed in god and I remember saying definitely yes. I wonder what happened? I am not "mad" at god. I am not "railing against" god. Or her. Or whatever. I just have no thoughts at all for any higher power.

At first I thought I was agnostic. Meaning I believe in something guiding the universe, just not sure what it is. Then I realized no, I actually don't believe in that either.

Now this didn't happen as a result of the miscarriage in one of those instances when people say "no god would let a baby die in utero and then make me carry him around for 2 weeks" or "no god would make a woman infertile AND make her have difficulty carrying to term" and get mad and stop believing for a time. No, I never thought any of that. It just never occured to me that anyone could do anything for me but me, J, a team of doctors, and family and friends. And about 100 years of reproductive medicine.

I think I am, at heart, a "scientist". Meaning, I believe in science. I believe in medicine. But I also believe in science that is less, er, scientific. I believe in the power of thought. And the power of chinese medicine (hi fabu acupuncturist!). I believe that me envisioning the little embryos on the operating table after the transfer burrowing into my lining (as I was peeing 100 gallons into a bed pan in front of no less than 5 people) helped them actually implant. I believe that my calmness for two days after transfer, when I listened to nice music and rested, helped me to acheive pregnancy last time.

And yes, I may even believe in that goddamn (somethingdamn? nothingdamn?) book the Secret - at least that if you want something, try to get it, and are truly grateful and not entitled, you will bring positive things to yourself. That is why I am in therapy. To bring positive things. And to begin focusing on other people, too, so that I don't turn into a hopeless bore. It is time for narcissa, queen of putting herself first, to start to put others first, for the first time since this whole IF journey started. Like my husband or my two wonderful preggers friends who are telling our singing group next week. I want no part of getting in the way of that, and will rejoice with them for the next 6 months.

So the net net of this is a higher power doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. But I am comfortable and do not feel alone. Metformin, prenatal vitamins, my RE, lupron, follistim, and embryologists comfort me. And, most of all, all of you.