A bevy of ugly thoughts

So now that we are embarking on the adoption option, I have so many conflicting issues in my mind. These are not pretty and not nice and also I have a sneaking suspicion that most adoptive parents feel them. So if you want to judge, do it somewhere else.

My concerns about adoption
1. What if I don't like my kid?
2. What if I don't love my kid?
3. What if i forget I HAVE a kid since there is no prep time and have to set an alarm to remind me to feed it?
4. What if we become the one family who never, ever gets a kid?
5. What if the birthmother or father steal our kid?
6. What if we get a kid who rejects us?
7. What if people say mean things to our kid? I will fucking kill them
8. What if people do ignorant things to our kid?
9. What if I never get over not being pregnant?
10. What if if our kid has major mental problems?
11. What if I fuck our kid up?
13. What if people don't respect or accept us as a "real family" and we get no support?

Yes, i know. Don't email me. All of those things can happen with our "biological" children. And I also know that #1 and #2 seem in direct conflict with #7 and #8. I already love our adopted kid so fiercely and don't even know who the hell he or she is. Right now s/he could be a blip or embryo or nothing yet. It is amazing. Is my kid waiting for us out there? Maybe.

One thing I don't really understand is the drive to HAVE to have a biological child. Maybe it is just us, but our biological child has the risk of: Epilepsy, dyslexia, OCD, anxiety disorder, horrible teeth, horrible vision, acne, scolios, infertility for christ's sake, anal retentiveness, workaholicness (that is from J - he invented the word), excessive jewish guilt and a bevy of other things. And no offense to anyone else but we ALL gots stuff. So for me, the biology piece seems a bit more like an albatross than a score. But everyone is different and if I expect people to accept my family building options I will accept theirs as well.

The bottom line is I reserve the right to move forward with this and yet maybe decide down the road to go back to IVF if we please. And i reserve the right to start putting my foot in people's asses if they ask stupid fucking questions about our adopted kid like' is that yours', 'what color are they' (we are doing mixed race), 'where did you buy them' or any of the like. And YES people have told me stories about others saying that to them.

I wish, and this is not a new wish, that I was one of those calm, ethereal people who just let others go about their business with a small yoga smile on my mouth, allowing others' transgressions against my family slide off my back. But I'm not. I am SO not. And it is part of what I like about myself - my righteous indignation and sharp tongue has served me well.

And, in other news, our single remaining embryo made it and is growing beautifully and is being put back in its womb today. DO NOT MENTION THIS TO ME AS I AM TRYING TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT. We are calling it Phil Collins (against all odds) or Keith Richards (we thought you'd be dead by now) - that was J's idea. My hubby is FUNNY.

Again, shhh. Embryo is sleeping. And probably not going to make it. But I love the little bugger for being so persistent. It is like a genocide survivor. I said Holocaust survivor to a very jewish friend of mine yesterday and she recoiled in horror. Sorry. Sometimes my sharp tongue is too sharp.

If i seem like I have my sense of humor back today, I do. Adoption excites me. Listen folks all I want out of this is a baby. Mine, or someone else's. Legally, of course. J and I will love the shit out of that kid and raise it so that it, too, can reject his or her parents, like every other kid.

Think good thoughts! I am off to fill my bladder for the transfer.