The way we were

I was re-reading some of my earlier posts to get some data on timings, dosages, etc of my last cycle and was really struck by a few things:

1. I was, for me, really positive at the beginning of this. I kept saying "when" instead of "if" and talked about being a mommy a lot.

2. I was SO obviously pregnant right before the beta. As I read my symptoms I kept thinking HELLO??? Why didn't i know? Why the Birthday Breakdown? It was so obvious. Peeing all night? Cramping? Bloating? Duh.

3. My last cycle went amazingly well. Fast, easy (except the OHSS but even that wasn't so bad in retrospect) and successful. I should ever be so lucky again.

It's like seeing the "before" pictures of a beauty queen who falls in a vat of acid - I didn't realize how good I was having it. Now I am sometimes a bitter, broken bag of questionable eggs who doubts whether she will ever know pregnancy again, never mind HAVE the baby. It is just tragic. Not what happened, but the change I have experienced because of it. I hardly recognize myself.

When you read other IF blogs it is a common theme. One of my favorites, http://herveryown.typepad.com/herveryown/, talks about being one of "those bloggers" who at the bottom of the page writes about betas and bottles and as you page up, and move forward in time, all of a suddent writes about falling HCG numbers and D & Cs. She says it is like knowing what will happen in a horror movie - you want to tell the girl to RUN! HIDE! Don't look under the bed! Or in the uterus!

I want to go back to relative ignorance. But I can't. So how do I get back to some place where I can be excited again? Hope? Wish? Think of whens instead of ifs? Can I?