Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Why is everything so complicated?

As you know I am in full interviewing mode now. Well, sort of. I had an interview today for Overreach job 2007 #2 - meaning yet ANOTHER job where if they give it to me they are truly crazy. It went very well, and she is passing me onto the next step forward. I am also now a finalist at #1 - final interview is next week. Then if they like me, the offer. Or, if not, the boot.

As I sit in interviews with both these jobs I get SO EXCITED by them. I am so bored at my current role and both of these offer me new, exciting opportunities, a whole new group of people to get to know, a new business to immerse myself in, travel, etc.

Yet each of these jobs offer me new, exciting opportunities, a whole new group of people to get to know, a new business to immerse myself in, travel, etc. And are those good things if you are trying to get, and stay, pregnant? Or adopting? Will I have flexibility? Will my stress level kill everything in a 100 mile radius?

If we cycle again if I get pregnant, do I start a new job and say "Hi! Im R! I am here for 6 months and then gone again!". Or what if we get pregnant and I stay here to take it easy and we miscarry again and I am stuck with no baby and nothing at work to take my mind off it? Or what if I start a new job, and miscarry, and right after starting have to take a week off? Or what if we don't cycle again or don't get pregnant and stop trying and go with adoption? Is a new, scary overreach job better than an old, easy one? And what if I stick with what I know, and in a few months, things change again and I get my old department back and I am happy at work here again? And what if what if what if?

My therapist told me to stop asking that. And reminded me that I can only make decisions when 1. I get an offer 2. cycle again 3. find out if it worked.

I can't help but think sometimes that if Stewie had stuck I would not be facing all these questions - I would be 15 weeks pregnant, sitting here in a cushy, for the moment, job, planning the nursery and shower or my next meal or whatever happy, clueless about miscarriage pregnant people do. This infertility has made even my job search more complicated.

All these unknowns are really chapping my control freak ass. What do you guys think? Go for a new job or stay with the comfort of boring? Discuss.

Also, a question that has been bugging me lately. A controversial one. Am I really infertile? We tried for 5 months on our own but it was only 3 periods with my long, anovulatory cycles. I ovulated, I think, 2 out of the 3, but one was like a day 45 ovulation so that egg was probably seriously f'ed up. I definitely have PCOS. That definitely causes infertility. We have definitely been doing this a year with no luck except our IVF baby, and we all know where that ended.

But what if after all this we decide to stop trying, but I stay on the Met, eat crazy healthy like I have been, and just enjoy normal married conjugal relations and hope for a miracle? Could my aged, f'ed up body squeeze out ONE good egg and J's super sperm find it? What if we expect nothing, but get something?

Of course this would be while we were in adoption proceedings, as I cannot sit around and wait for something that has like a 5% chance of occuring at my advanced maternal age (I swear to god that is what they call it), but stranger things have happened, right? I am sure SOMEONE got pregnant with PCOS whle they weren't looking, right?

I hate hope sometimes. It really takes over and makes you feel good. Damn it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the therapist b/c you know it's my mantra too... no point in worrying about things until yoiu NEED to, and no need to worry about the job until the offer is there. Also - you can totally negotiate once the offer is made for extra time off, etc. Saying "what if I miscarry right after I get a new job" is like saying "what if I get hit by a car and am in the hospital for 2 weeks"? Granted, statistically they are different, but there are enough things for everyone to worry about on a daily basis -- don't add things to that list until you need to.

I think a new job is a fantastic thing. To say that women with PCOS, infertility issues, etc should prevent you from taking a new job... I think you can consider them but honestly the two should be separate for the most part!

As for whether or not you are infertile along the lines that you think, lots and lots of women try for a long time (longer than 5 months) and get pregnant w/out IVF. Not to say you would, but you really never know unless you try, right? So sex it up. :)


7:38 PM  
Blogger Y said...

hey definitely agree with the therapist -- worry about shit when it happens. because otherwise you can create a million different scenarios and ruminate over them and drive yourself batty.

hey i like this new "optimistic" you :) have sex, relax, and hope for pregnancy? what's wrong with that? even for a little while...may be just a few months "off" from worry -- just focusing on your new exciting job and your great sex life :)

i'm all in favor of looking for the new job -- you seem really excited about the interviews and REALLY bored at work and it just seems like the right time.


11:06 PM  

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