Reb.ecca Wal.ker sucks.So does my attitude today.

See, I put PERIODS in the middle so she can't SEARCH me. Tho she posted my bitchy blog comment. Please, folks, if you have an issue with her post on her site - all the other posts are really suck ups. I was the only one to call her insensitive.

I have nothing more to say about that other than I got more email about that post than any other blog entry thus far - all saying how she sucks. Love it. Thanks everyone.

Get ready for a whiny blog entry. I promised myself to be true here and this is how i feel today. Look away if you want to maintain the image that I am strong and tough. I actually wrote this and then rewrote it as it was just too pathetic and I couldn't stand myself. So here is the less pathetic version.

I am having a rough day today - maybe it is the trip to the IFT (infertility therapist) - that always brings up so much, 0r maybe it is because I am not sleeping much lately. Basically I realize that my overwhelming emotions these days are fear and anger. I feel "angry" that all this happened so far. I feel "angry" that we landed on the wrong side of the stats this time. I feel "angry" that to even think about getting pregnant I need a team of doctors and months. I feel "angry" that i am the only one going through this that I know right now and wish I had a large circle of other angry ladies, cause i know for sure there are many, many other ladies out there writing similar pissed off entries into their blogs. We could go out and pick a fight with some street gang, and based on how I feel, I would win. In fact, I think the Fierce Fighting Infertiles should be a part of Bloomberg's anti-gang strategy.

And, for fun, I also feel "worried" (why am I putting these emotions in parens? no clue) that i am not only infertile but also unable to carry a child to term. The fear is overwhelming and sometimes threatens to swallow me up. When I think about cycling again my mind has to look away. It just seems to defy nature that I had BOTH issues last time. Tho of course I know intellectually that is not the case. Happens all the time. And worse stuff too.

My IFT specializes in treating folks like me and she said that what I feel is totally normal, which comforted me a bit. I am in new territory here and really need a map. (well, and a nap.) Her support is really welcomed.

She is starting a support group on Wednesday nights that I am going to be in, which I think will do wonders for me as for the first time I will feel less alone and less like a freak. Which is how I feel, lately, about 100% of the time. I was telling her today that I basically feel like I cannot pull off what the average cockroach (fertile cockroach, that is) can - reproducing. Of course we laughed but both realized I was not totally kidding.

Yes, I am not just my ovaries. Yes, I have a full and lucky life. I am not forgetting that. I am just a bit overwhelmed today.