Friday, April 27, 2007

Deep Thoughts

Now that I am on day 2 of bedrest, I realize I have a lot of things on my mind.

First, a shoutout to my cyber friend L for getting, for the first time, after like 7 IVFs, a BFP!!! I am in awe of her persistence and positive attitude. I wish her a healthy and happy 9 months. Maybe this fertility thing isn't totally shit. Oh, and just for the record - she had put back only one embryo this time - for the first time. I'm just sayin....

Second, I am in a full blown career crisis. I thought i was done with this like 10 years ago. In this case, it is a good problem - recently I have gotten a bevy of opportunities and am having a hard time figuring out what I want. I spent part of today in bed with the laptop creating a slide deck pitching a new role at work. I have a meeting Tuesday with an EVP who may be able to help me do that. I feel I have to do this, and then if it is no, I may look more closely at the Big Credit Card company I am interviewing with this week. But the real question is, do I even want to go? Or is it some trace memory inside of me that makes me feel I always need to get the bigger job? I am so sick of thinking of this and am sure you are sick of hearing it. If i stay is it intertia?

I recently read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and can't recommend it enough. It is so good - she spends a year traveling (4 months in Italy is eat, 4 months in India is pray, 4 months in Bali is love) and at one point she goes to an ashram in India seeking spiritual enlightement through meditation. Now I want to do that. Think J would be up to that? The idea of sitting somewhere, totally quiet, quieting the mind and the body and just BEING, seems so lovely. I have been so in tune with my body, especially reproductive organs, for a year and I am tired of it.

I feel like I want to break out and run a marathon, or go to a spiritual retreat for a year, or learn French IN Paris, or something. Something to get me out of my ovaries and uterus. I used to be a whole person. And doing nothing but eating, sleeping, working and taking shots and pills has made me a dull girl. Where's the bigger picture? Where is my deeper meaning? What am I supposed to do now? Someone tell me. Cause I sure as hell can't seem to figure it out. I want to move out of NY and live in Ubud or Greece or something. Make a huge change. Break this cycle I feel I have fallen into in the last year.

But instead i will go to work Monday and plan my flights for my 20th high school reunion and see friends and sing in my lovely group and try to keep my mind off of Keith/Phil in my uterus (if he is still there, even) and say bye to J as he goes off on his 3 week yearly event in Dubai and Hawaii. And in a few weeks we will know what happened, and will move forward. But I still feel I am moving sideways. Anyone want to go to India?


Anonymous kikibee said...

aww...thanks for the shout out.
I had blue cheese on my salad during last week and was considering taking up smoking too (just kidding). -

7:18 AM  

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