Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I am really stressed - rant ahead

Update to the update:
Heard from the headhunter, after I meet with the brit tomorrow they will give feedback en masse. At the very least they are neutral about me - and that is the very least. If they didn't like me i wouldn't make it to this next stage. They seem happy with me and want this other man to meet me. Guess i didn't screw the pooch too bad with the senior guy. hooray again!!
Pitching the new role could NOT have gone better. She loved the whole thing and didn't make a change and is going to pitch it to the CEO and Head of HR this week. Or at least she said she was. And I figure that if nothing happens, I at least tried, right? hoo-ray!!!!!

I am not sure I have ever been this stressed out on so many fronts.

1. Job stuff. Of course as soon as i say I am staying I have a great interview at the big Credit Card Company. One that i think I may have blown. The job really does sound amazing, a ton of work and responsibilty (potentially up to 20 people on my team!!!) but also really interesting and exciting. The thing is I think the big big HR guy didn't love me. He kept saying 'I love your energy! Especially for the end of the day!' which makes me think he thought I was a total fucking babbling idiot. I was not levitating or anything but was my normal, enthusiastic self. Sigh. Guess I got too comfortable or something. Dammit.

2. I am falling on my sword at work today and pitching a new, SVP-level role for myself. And I am NOT going through the right channels. At all. Purposefully. I am going to an EVP outside of HR who is in charge of another area that is very related to my new role, and hope that she will listen. If she says she would consider it I will then go over TWO levels of HR people and go to the most senior HR person in the organization to pitch the role. Not sure where it would report. Anyway it will come out that I want out of this role and that I am unhappy. That could be very bad.

Basically, it is like closing time. You can't stay here but you can't go home. I may be totally out of a job in the near future (that is worst case) having f-ed up the outside job and raising too many questions here and not being political. And this before we enter into a self-pay IVF cycle (10k) and adoption proceedings (30K+).

It is like i am ripping a band aid off - I could just lull myself into security here but it is not right - my career has nowhere to go if I don't leave. We won't starve, believe me, but it wouldn't be great either. I am not a risk taker by nature so this entire thing makes me want to barf my guts out. I HAVE to have faith in myself and my work and know that as cheesy freaky people say, a door closes and a window opens.

3. This last IVF. We did have one little tiny embryo so the chances are almost nil. And to add insult to injury, this time the progesterone is having no side effects. Basically progesterone mimics pregnancy - sore breasts, bloating, etc. This time, nothing. It is like I am SO NOT PREGNANT not even artificial means can get me symptoms. Last time i had them all. So, I would say we can all stop holding our breaths - this cycle is a bust. Onto self-pay. Of course I don't know this for sure - but this is what I think when I am lying awake at 5 am. Ironically, I am working more hours than ever because I am basically getting in at 7 am every day.

4. Adoption. How the bloody hell are we going to afford it? What if we never get a baby? What if the mom comes and takes the baby back? This process seems so overwhelmimg, like everything else in my life.

5. J is leaving for a month on Saturday. A month. And bad things ALWAYS happen when he is gone. Really bad things like losing my rings and breaking things and cat getting sick and stuff. I hate it when he is gone. What fresh hell will this trip bring? He will be gone for the beta.

I am not really sleeping right now and feel teary all the time. My body is humming with the stress and my dreams, when I do sleep, are horrible. I have had two colds this winter which is two more than I normally get. I have all these weird bruises all over my body that I can't explain. I am so overwhelmed.

I keep telling myself that soon I will have many answers - I will know if I got fired, if I got this new role, if the cycle worked, if I survived J's trip. But getting there is a disaster.


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