Friday, May 18, 2007

R is judgmental. That is not news.

I have tried my hardest to be honest here, and want to caveat today's posting with the knowledge that I may upset some people. This is not in any way my intent, but as I said, this blog would not be mine if I wasn't honest about how I felt.

Basically, lately I am wondering why in the heck some people do fertility treatments for so long.

There, I said it.

As you know I have an addiction to a variety of websites, including ivfconnections.com, soulcysters.com (for PCOS ladies) and about 1357297589759879 others. I spent too much time on them, but found them to be loving, supportive, and informative. I also met a legion of amazing, strong, brave, and beautiful women whose stories make ours look like a proverbial walk in the park.

At the same time, some of the stories I see on there make my heart break and fill me with not a small amount of judgment. There is one woman who has been through so much - multiple miscarriages, failed cycles, starting the adoption process, one more cycle and then got pg with twins, and now just lost both boys at 19 weeks, and almost died herself. Absolutely heartbreaking. And she is talking about cycling again. Why? I don't understand.

I am in awe of her. And also wonder where she gets the strength. And why she keeps going. And how.

For me, two m/c, bad eggs, PCOS and two painful IVF processes is about enough. If I never have to get my ovaries pricked with needles, give myself a shot in my stomach, suffer through nerve damage and hardened spots that never go away, take another failed PG test or wait to bleed out my "placental product", it will be too goddamn soon.

I feel irrational anger at fertility treatments and, honestly, some of the folk who come back year after year to try again. Irrational because I know it works for some people (tho I am not sure whom, as everyone on the boards seems to fail time and time again). Irrational because I understand that people want their biological children and that makes perfect sense to me. Irrational because if these amazing women have it in them to fall down and get up 100 times, they deserve every happiness. Irrational because my RE thinks that we have a "REALLY REALLY good chance" of being parents through IVF (sorry but I call bullshit).

But to witness this extreme suffering is too much for me and I have to stop with the websites. It is like all my closest girlfriends are going through this over and over again - all the names I know, the women I love but have never met, the experiences I share, the history that is like a horror story. I want them to get what they want. And then be able to stop the madness.

I know a ton of people who got pg naturally, and never have a m/c, yet these IVF women have m/c more often than not. It is the same process over and over - watch all the BFPs, the great beta results, then a few weeks later the "I am bleeding a bit, is this normal"? which denigrates to "the u/s confirmed that our baby is gone".

Is it because we have fertility problems to start with that makes us more prone to m/c? Is it something about IVF? Why is it that the women who have the most problems getting pg also have the most staying pg? And how does ANYONE EVER have a healthy baby? It is so fucking unfair. No one deserves happiness and fulfillment more than these women. And yet they get it so infrequently.

I am not a big believer in things being "meant to be", however I wonder if somewhere some 15 year old (hopefully with an off the charts IQ and Olympic-ready physical perfection) is having a momentary lapse of reason and our future son or daughter is being conceived. I wonder if some single pg woman with 4 kids who is not in a good financial situation is crying herself to sleep, wondering if this is the one she should give up. I wonder if somewhere our baby is gestating, and we were always meant to have it, and thank god that both of our pgs didn't work out because we wouldn't have had the most meaningful experience of our lives adopting our soon-to-be-born child. Maybe this was always the plan, but we had to get there.

Regardless, I feel 100% at peace with the choice to stop fertility, for us, at least for now. It is like a 1000 pound weight has been lifted off of my ovaries, uterus, and mind. J is excited and embracing this process, as am I.

I need to accept that these beautiful women on the boards get to make their own choices too, even if it means years more of heartbreak. I just hate to see it.

A dear friend gave me a book about two families who grow close through their adopted korean girls. They are at the airport together when their daughters arrive and start spending time together over the years. The arrival happens in the first 5 pages and I had to stop reading I was crying so hard. It was moving, beautiful, and amazing. I cannot wait to get our call that our child is arriving, and to be there to see him or her, and to bring the baby into our home and hearts. I feel so good. Even with the universe being so unfair. :)


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