Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Pathetic Mom Alert

I know, it has literally been months. What do you want me to say. Life gets busy and also boring. So I have nothing to write about, and no time to write it.

I need some support now though.

I find that now that C is cruising and pulling up and trying to walk she is also REALLY unfocused and no longer cuddles, sits quietly with us, or really makes any sign that she knows who we are. Now at the park instead of peering lovingly in our eyes as we push her on the swing she stares at the little boy next to her. When we go on the jungle gym she is more interested in playing with the older kids than being "walked" around by Mommy.

Where is that little mushy girl I loved to hold for hours and hours? Who would smile when we walked in and reach for us? Now she just wants out of this crib, now, thank you, and fuck you very much if you get in the way of me reaching for the safari-themed playstation.

The other thing I notice is that she won't sit still for anything. Diaper changes, meals, presidential visits. Changing her is an effort to keep her on the table and putting her clothes on is such a production she usually ends up hitting her head on the floor (where I place her to dress her so as not to have a recap of the great changing table escape) or screaming so loudly J wonders out loud why, oh why, do I beat her so (kidding. OMG totally kidding)?

Basically I am really thrilled she is so mobile, and independant, and curious. I am so glad that she is active and healthy and shows the right amount of interest in her surroundings. I just feel sad that all that attention that I used to slurp up like a grape soda is now focused elsewhere. Is that normal? Probably. Pathetic? Well, yes.

Will she ever hug me again, other than when I feed her at night and she is so tired and milk drunk that she finally, finally, lets go of the 10 books and 5 plush toys and 6 rattles that she carries around in her fists and teeth WHILE crawling and cruising? And then she gently reaches for my hair or my nose and holds on and looks me in the eye for the first time all day and I am so, so happy.