Full disclosure

My blog has been pretty damn honest up til now. So while it pains me to do so, I have to share what happened today.

I have been a single mom now for over 2 weeks - J is in Bermuda at his yearly giant major event that is a big cash cow for him, but takes him away for a long time. I had my mom here which was AWESOME and so helpful, but have been on my own this week since Tuesday morning.

None of this is an excuse but instead an explanation for why I may not have been as aware as I usually am.

C has been getting up at 5 am each morning, at which point I cuddle her and take her into my room where we snooze for about another 30 minutes and then get up.

This morning we followed our routine and I put her on the changing table, with one hand on her tummy as always to keep her from moving, while I looked for clothes for her in the drawer in the changing table. All of a sudden I hear this LOUD thump (that I will never forget) and there she is on the floor, looking shocked but completely unhurt. Somehow she wiggled out from under my hand without me feeling it, and threw herself over the side of the changing table in about 1 second flat; I had merely glanced away while looking into her pants drawer (which is IN the changing table) for a new pair. Just that long. My hand never moved but now it was pushing air down as she was gone.

She landed on her side and was cushioned by the thick carpet, but she was shocked and I was shocked and she began to cry. I picked her up carefully but quickly and began a total body scan with my hands to determine if anything was out of place or felt wonky.

Thank god she was 100% fine and even stopped crying after 2 minutes, and just lay on my shoulder with this "WOW that sucked and scared me and you sort of suck" position. Within 10 minutes my nanny C had shown up and baby C was already playing and smiling. Nanny C said she was totally fine, that happens, etc. I said not to me. Never again.

I am in a shame spiral so deep I wonder if I will ever get out. I know it happens. I know babies are resilient. But the subsequent day-long Dr Googlefest resulted in lots of stories of concussions, broken backs, and even worse. Now granted she had NO SYMPTOMS of any issues but I just couldn't believe how irresponsible that was of me. I chastised myself all day.

I also emailed some good Mom friends who made me feel better with stories of their own children going off the edge of the bed, slamming fingers in car doors, toppling babies out of their slings, dropping full water bottles on their heads, and the like.

How did we all live through this?

I click baby C in now to her changing table every single time. Before the hand was ok, now it's not. I will never leave her on a bed, chair, dresser, etc because she is obviously quick and agile. Basically I have built a bubble in which she can live, quite nicely, for the next, oh 60-70 years. At which time I hope to be dead and not seeing the risky behavior she engages in, like going outside and touching things.

So, there it is. I feel like a bad mom. My kid took a header off the changing table. 3 feet down. She lived to tell the tale, but I think it might be too early to say the same about me.

Where she's at....

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog what her son was doing and it occured to me that anyone still reading probably wants to know the same about our kid.

Our kid rocks. That is where she is at.

She is sitting up almost on her own. She loves to eat everything, even her nasty rice cereal. Well, except fruits. She likes bananas ok and applesauce is cool but peaches and pears suck. She makes this face that kills me like we have fed her dirt. She is starting to prop herself up on one arm, a precursor to crawling I am told. In terms of What to Expect, we are right on target.

She is also the 95th percentile in height, 75th in weight and 50th in head size. Small head, long legs. She LOVES standing up and can sort of "walk" if we hold her hands. She won't lie if she can sit, and won't sit if she can stand. She has almost pushed herself out of her bumpo, which makes me nervous.

Most importantly, she knows who I am! She smiles at everyone but I get a special one. She cries if I leave the room, and watches whatever door or staircase I dissapeared through or up. When I reappear she beams. While in her exersaucer she looks over at me every few minutes as if to say "are you watching Mommy? watching me? Are you still there?" and I clap and say I AM WATCHING YOU! YAY!!!

The drool is out of control. She has two bottom front teeth that are in but more are coming, I bet. She chews on EVERYTHING and if there is a huge, elaborate toy or station she will spend the entire time licking the tag.

She sleeps on her side all the time. She rolls like crazy and then when she finds herself on her stomach cries and whines. She loves her "blankie" which is a pink thing (damn) that we immediately take from her once she is asleep.

She screeches like a dinosaur. I think it is pre-talking but dammmmmn is it loud. This morning she got up at 5 am and I cuddled with her in bed til 6 so I could sleep but she was grabbing my nose hard and screeching and I finally gave up and tickled her til she cackled.

If she can get carried around she loves it. She doesn't like being alone and loves watching people's faces. Her cry is infrequent and tearless, as I don't think she really is upset. When someone sneezes or slams a door she starts and frowns and cries tears hard for about 2 minutes.

I think that's it. She is the love of our lives and is endlessly fun. I love coming home to her and having her reach for me.

This blog is the least snarky, cynical or evil I have ever written. Maybe I am happy?

A pic for you all!

Today

Is a day I used to hate. Now I love it.

Funny how things change.

Well.

C's in college, doing well. We have 4 other kids and J and I are retiring at the end of the month.

Oh! Wait! It hasn't been THAT long...

Things here continue to be blessedly, wonderfully normal. C is progressing like a champ and true to her parents is loud and crazy and active. She doesn't sleep through the night yet which sucks but honestly, we love seeing her at 3 am even if I have fallen asleep and the bottle has fallen out of my hands. Yes. I am that mom.

Balancing work and home is actually do-able at this moment. I do feel as though I am one illness, accident, diarrhea episode, nanny sick day away from my house of cards tumbling down but for today, that house still wobbles. But stands. Work is going great and in fact I am up for a promotion that I will know about sometime in 2008. Or 09. We don't move quickly there.

I cannot tell you how much I am loving being a Mom. In fact to this day I wake up every day to her dulcet tones (WAAAA WAAAA WAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH) and smile. If any of you, beloved friends or family, woke me with that crap I would level you. But her? Every poopy diaper is a dream, her screams are our lullabies and her drool our elixer. Actually that last part is not true, it is fucking gross. But seeing her little baby teeth come in and hearing her make noises that one day MAY be talking is the highlight of my day. To give you a sense of how much I have changed it is 70 and sunny today and I am sitting in my house with her, not antsy to go outside. We have so much fun.

J left for his big 3 week trip today so we celebrated Mother's Day last night, which was fantastic. He is really thoughtful and got me a fantastic gift - a Breville Espresso Machine. Hello! Literal cup is literally flowing over! Once I read the tome that is the directions I will make cappucinos for the entire East Coast. Most importantly though he spent his last night not working or packing but taking me to dinner at Marseille, a place where we had our third and "seal the deal" date. No, not that. It was the date where I realized I did sorta like him and we had our first kiss. Really fun.

Anyway I have not posted much because the mundane routine that is my life (love it! love it! love it!) is not that interesting and that is fine with me. We plan to start the adoption process again come November so in the interim if anything interesting, or lots of uninteresting, things happen I will post. I miss writing but the only reason I sat down tonight is that J isn't here to play with and Baby C is sleeping peacefully. I am going to try to post a pic of her here so you can all ooh and aah that our kid is better than any kid. Except yours, of course.