Radio silence - but a good reason

So, here I am.

11 weeks ago we found out i was PG again. Why, R, do you continue to do this? Because I did not feel done. I felt like I had not conquered this. I beat PCOS and I wanted to beat MotherFucker too.

I did.

For the first time, we saw a healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks. 175 to be exact! Everyone thought it was a girl!

For the first time, I got morning sickness. Stopped eating meat. Ate Life cereal for dinner for 5 weeks.

For the first time, my pants stopped fitting and I actually considered getting maternity wear.

I felt pregnant. I felt sick. I felt like shit.

I also felt major psychic torture because I couldn't believe that this would actually work out and I would actually get to experience giving birth.

Turns out I was right.

Today I went in, off-appointment, because I was in a horrible state thinking that something was wrong. I was right.

For the first time, I got to see what a genetically abnormal fetus looks like on an ultrasound. It was sad, horrifying and scary. There is no way this baby could've made it. They think that what was wrong with her (it was a her, they think, based on the diagnosis of the disease) was Turners' Syndrome, which (as Dr Google told me) is a genetic disorder where the fetus doesn't get any XX chromosomes. It only happens to girls. It is 97% fatal.

I cried on the table, I cried in the doctor's office, I cried in the little room they put me in to wait for the hospital to call to schedule my D/C.

And then I stopped crying, because really, I have a daughter. A beautiful perfect daughter. And we have the ways and means to have more children. And will. And while this is sad it didn't work out it is not fair to wish that she had lived with that issue.

So in a lovely touch of irony, I will end my last pregnancy on Charlotte's Gotcha Day. The day she officially became ours. And no one can take that away.

The GNP of my uterus is definitely lagging behind the NASDAQ

J and I are pretty lucky in that we still both have jobs we love. We own our home, are not under water debt-wise and are very, very careful with money. Having said that, we are by no means the Hiltons (the old ones who had a ton of money not their lame-ass entitled grandchildren) nor can we spend spend spend like we (me) would like to.


And one thing about this economy, you really have to make choices about what you spend money on.


And that, my friends, brings us to my uterus.


Who would've thought that one nice side effect of our downward slide as a country would be a renewed kick in the metaphorical ass about my (lack of) fertility? It comes to this: we can either renovate our house, or have a kid. We can either order out as much as I want, or have a kid. We can buy a nice, reliable used car to take the place of my stalled out, battery-dead, ugly, basically-up-on-4-blocks Pontiac, or we can have a kid.

Now, there is no contest there, to us. I would sleep outside and drive a Dodge Dart (remember that Mom and Dad and B?) and eat mac and cheese straight out of the box every night (who am I kidding, that last part would actually be AWESOME) to have another kid. It just sucks that we have to consider costs at all in that area.

Other people (see: that fucking octomom) can have as many kids as they want for free! Free! It's like free ice cream cone day at Ben and Jerry's, only its a kid! But for us, it is the same investment many other parents spend on, say, a community college tuition.

This is not about adopting. I have no issues with that. This is about cost. Hard cash. I have spent time over the last few days being really, really pissed at my MTHFR or uterus or eggs or whatever the hangup is in there. Because for us, it can never be a "Oh i got drunk one night and boom!" or "my period was late and who knew, right????" that ends with a $20 co-pay for the hospital charge for my entire birthing process. And I get to come home with a kid! A free kid!

Oh, no.

It has to be a process. Long, drawn out, hard and expensive.

However, unlike eating out every night or getting that Mercedes I want, what we will spend our money on will pay us back in spades. I know that. The ROI on kids is immeasurable. I just wish I didn't have to think about this ugly side.

Calling all parents of two or more kids

A few questions:

1. Do you ever sleep again? Ever?
2. Have you read a book/eaten a full meal/watched TV/had any downtime AT ALL since your second was born?
3. How do you handle not shortchanging one for the other?
4. Do you and your husband/wife/partner go man on man or zone? Meaning one parents takes both kids so the other one can do something else? Or do you always divide up?
5. If you work, how did you balance the two?
6. Did your relationship with said husband/wife/partner die?
7. Do you love each kid equally? Or did you have to divide your love in half cause it was too much?
8. What do you love about having two or more kids?

This list above represents the sum total of my concerns. Looking forward to your answers.

In other news, got our references out and my employment confirmation in. Next up is the great gathering of financial papers. Once all that is done we will update our profile and I think we are done. It is much easier second time around, that's for sure.

Do you think I should get books on siblings for C? Or is it too soon? Considering she would rather EAT the book than read it?

Please don't read it as ambivalence

J and I were noting last night how adopting feels different this time. Last time the minute we got the ginormous packet from American Adoptions we tore through it, making lists and gathering info and filling out forms until the wee hours. I think our turnaround on everything but the fingerprints was about 2.5 seconds.

Now that our wee hours include a wee one, we realized that we left the adoption info packet on the front table for, oh, about 3 days. We did get off our assess to bring our social worker, R, into our house on Sunday for the obligatory "have you killed anyone, is your kid thriving, and do you have a fire extinguisher" visit, but that is it. I just made appointments for us to get our fingerprints. I told someone in my department to get me a letter verifying I am, in fact, paid for the labor of love that is my job. I think I asked a few folk to write us reference letters. Haven't sent them out yet.

It is not that we don't want to do this (we do) or that we don't have time to get our acts together (we have from 7:30 on every night when C goes to bed). We are just not in a huge hurry. We agreed that we want multiple children, and that when they are like 4 and 6 it will be awesome, but we are also in a great groove with C and both of us are, I think, afraid to upset the proverbial apple cart.

Don't get me wrong. I love baby babies. I love the drool, the poo, the night feedings (really!). I guess I just wonder if I have it in me to love another little one like I love C. Will I divide my love in half? Will the part that loves J go away and settle on the new baby? Will I ever be able to say I am balancing things well? Cause now we are.

Still, though, when I look at new babies or at pictures of C from a year ago I ache. I do want multiple kids. Hell, if we can afford I want as many as that crazy-as-bat-shit octuplet mom. Except we won't, cause I was raised to take responsibility for myself and we can't afford it.

But 3? Totally in plan.

So we will get this done, and come July when J stops traveling for the year we will put our names in with our referral service and hope for another late-night text saying "your child was born". Or even make it in time to see it this time.

And we are so, so excited for that.

Time for #2

So, we started a new adoption process.

How do I feel? I feel nervous. How will I balance big new promotion and two kids? How will I ensure that my marriage doesn't fall apart? How will we afford two college tuitions? How will I ever love a new baby like I love C?

I am excited, too but that is really overwhelmed by the above.

R, our social worker, came over Sunday for her first, and only, home visit prior to match. She loves us and C was her typical fantastically funny, energetic and lovely self. She kept trying to steal R's pen and scribble on our home study. Perhaps that would endear us more?

We are also on the "not trying NOT to try" (my english teacher parents just had heart attacks) for a natural pregnancy process - meaning if it happens, great. If not, at least I won't feel like I completely blocked off the possibility. After 4 m/c it feels like a triumph of hope over experience to even consider it. I just still have remnant feelings of failure for not being able to do something even idiot welfare moms who have 14 kids can do. Yes, you, stupid octuplet mom. Asshole.

I am going to start writing on here again now, the release is great for me and allows me to document our process. Stay tuned!

Pathetic Mom Alert

I know, it has literally been months. What do you want me to say. Life gets busy and also boring. So I have nothing to write about, and no time to write it.

I need some support now though.

I find that now that C is cruising and pulling up and trying to walk she is also REALLY unfocused and no longer cuddles, sits quietly with us, or really makes any sign that she knows who we are. Now at the park instead of peering lovingly in our eyes as we push her on the swing she stares at the little boy next to her. When we go on the jungle gym she is more interested in playing with the older kids than being "walked" around by Mommy.

Where is that little mushy girl I loved to hold for hours and hours? Who would smile when we walked in and reach for us? Now she just wants out of this crib, now, thank you, and fuck you very much if you get in the way of me reaching for the safari-themed playstation.

The other thing I notice is that she won't sit still for anything. Diaper changes, meals, presidential visits. Changing her is an effort to keep her on the table and putting her clothes on is such a production she usually ends up hitting her head on the floor (where I place her to dress her so as not to have a recap of the great changing table escape) or screaming so loudly J wonders out loud why, oh why, do I beat her so (kidding. OMG totally kidding)?

Basically I am really thrilled she is so mobile, and independant, and curious. I am so glad that she is active and healthy and shows the right amount of interest in her surroundings. I just feel sad that all that attention that I used to slurp up like a grape soda is now focused elsewhere. Is that normal? Probably. Pathetic? Well, yes.

Will she ever hug me again, other than when I feed her at night and she is so tired and milk drunk that she finally, finally, lets go of the 10 books and 5 plush toys and 6 rattles that she carries around in her fists and teeth WHILE crawling and cruising? And then she gently reaches for my hair or my nose and holds on and looks me in the eye for the first time all day and I am so, so happy.

Gotcha Day!

This is an informational blog posting for those of you with working uterii.

A little known or understood fact about adoption is that when the birthparents sign the relinquishment of parental rights, C doesn't become our kid at that point. In fact, the birthparents release her into the custody of the adoption agency. This meant that the night in the hospital we left with her, the social worker from the adoption agency had to carry her out and then gave her to us in the parking lot. It was midnight so the whole thing felt really weird.

The adoption agency then "releases" her into our custody (in the parking lot), and we continue the process. This means, in our case, 6 more home visits by the social worker. We have her from a custody perspective but her birth certificate still says her bm's last name and we cannot travel outside of the country with her, get her a passport, social security number, or anything else that biological children get from birth.

After all the social work visits, designed to ensure she doesn't have rickets or big unexplained bruises, we have to go in front of a judge. In Texas, this happens 6 months after the adoption date.

J flew out last night and just called to say it was all done. He went before the judge, who asks a bunch of questions like "Do you testify that Charlotte is not your biological child" and "Do you testify that she is 7 months old" and stuff like that. I am sure he promises to love, honor and obey as well.

She is ours. Forever.

At the start he felt it wasn't a big deal as she felt like ours from the start. After 300 poopy diapers and night feedings and drool and smiles and laughing, she is ours and has been since day 1. However now she is ours in the eyes of the law and no one can ever take her away from us. I think even J, Mr. Stoic, was moved as he said he really wished I was there and that it was really, really special and amazing.

Thank you all for your support and love over this journey. 18 months from the first IVF to her seems like a long time but really, it happened fast. I only hope our next adoption goes as smoothly.

Baby C is a Guberman!!!!!!!