The Big Reveal

Since we got home with Baby C, J and I have wanted to tell our oldest niece, who is now 5 1/4, the story of C. She was the only niece or nephew old enough to grasp it when we talked about C's birthmom or adoption, and we felt uncomfortable having to censor ourselves when she was around.

Last night the entire clan got together for an impromtpu dinner (thanks J and S for hosting!) and we felt it was the right time. We took M, our niece, downstairs to the family room with her parents and told her. She was snuggled up to me and J took her hand and did a great job telling her that Aunt R and Uncle J couldn't make a baby in Aunt R's belly, and we wanted a baby and family so bad, and a woman in Texas had a baby and couldn't take care of her, so asked us to take her and make her our daughter and love her forever. And that Baby C is her cousin forever.

I told her how there are all kinds of families, families with all boys and all girls and one kid and 12 kids (she just saw Cheaper By the Dozen - to which J added later "and those people are really socially irresponsible") and that this is how we plan to build our family. J added that in November we will try again to bring another baby into our family by adoption. And that baby will be her forever cousin as well.

I then added that this was not a secret, and that she can ask anything she wants, and that she is welcome to tell anyone, including her friends, or any kids at school.

After we said this, we said to M, "Is there anything you want to ask?"

To which she said "Can I go color now?"

It was a start, right? :)

Weird moment

Today I looked at Charlotte and realized she will one day be a woman.

Whoa.

HELLO Hello hello....

On Thursday I talked to a senior person at work who was telling me all about her employees' drama. I get this a lot, being in HR.

This particular drama was of interest to me as it is a fellow PCOS-er who has had a bitch of a time getting pregnant. She has been through many rounds of IUI and IVF, to produce crap eggs and/or not get that positive beta. She has no idea how much I know about her but I watch her sometimes in meetings, wondering if she too feels dead inside and couldn't focus on discussions around media hits or PR programs.

Well, turns out that she was on a regime of Provera this month and AHA! she ovulated! Hey, that happened to me!

What didn't happen to me then was that somehow she and her husband accidentally timed it right and AHA! she is pregnant. Naturally.

Of course as a PCOS-er she is worried and of course as a "natural" pregnancy this feels very tenuous to her. She is 5 weeks and just got over the "holy hell I was taking something to make my uterus expunge stuff whilst pg" scare and has a pg that for now is sticking.

Again, she knows nothing about me knowing this.

She presented at our all-staff meeting on Thurday. She stood in front of 300 people and talked about something. Who knows. I was staring at her belly. I was thinking, "does she have to pee for the 100th time today? Does she feel anything? Is she counting down to the next RE appointment to see if it is alive?" I felt exhausted and it wasn't even me.

It made me think, do I want to be pregnant again? In theory, yes. Not only do I wish I had had the feeling of a baby move, or see my nose or J's eyes on something tiny, but I also hate it when I fail at something. I rarely do it because I either work at it til I succeed or I walk away (quitters sometimes win when they decide they don't want to do it anymore!).

In this case, I have walked away. I still feel this echo of envy, though, at her pregnancy. What i don't feel envious of is her fear and anxiety and over 50% chance that this pregnancy will end in nothing but an ER or some pills. So I guess I would say that Iwant to give birth, but don't want to go through the pregnancy. I am not up to the stress.

I would never trade C for the world. She is mine, through and through. She feels like she came from me and she is as much my blood as any biological child would be. How I got her is less important every day, but still, she won't have a birth story to hear and I won't be able to say "oh yes, you get that slouch from me" or "yes, dad does have a crap attitude and you really got it from him". I hope she's ok with that. I think I will be.

Back to the coal mines

I head back to work full time week after next. Next week is a 4-day'er which will help me slide back into the chilly waters of full time work and full time mommyness. Augh, as Charlie Brown says.

I love my job. I just wish I had a whole day to spend with C, then an alternate universe to step into that would ALSO allow me to be at work all day. I love dressing up and wearing makeup and drinking lattes. I love talking to smart people and solving problems. But I also worry that C will call our nanny "Mommy" and that I won't have enough energy to spend on her at the end of the day.

I see now how women are fucked. We have to decide; mommy of the year or corporate ladder? I feel like if I want to take some time to spend at home I have to take a slowdown on my career. That corporate America will look at me askance for wanting to try to balance both sides of my existence.

None of this is new but it is new to me. I now understand those women who rush out of work at 5:02, harried and guilty, to get home and try to squish 9 hours of time into 2 pre-bedtime hours. Its like i hate it when she goes to bed because it means I wont see her for another 18 hours.

Will this ever pass? How do we do it and not go crazy?