Miracles

A few things:

Dread Pirate is fine.

I will now return to silence about him.

Talk amongst yourselves.

I will give you a topic - my friend Y, whom you have heard about on this blog, had her beautiful baby boy, Matteos, last night - about 15 minutes before she was supposed to be induced. I guess she scared him right down the birth canal. I saw a pic and he is stunning! She is a star and we send much love to her, A and baby M. She called today and while she sounded tired, she sounded so happy. I hope to join her at some point in that feeling.

Fingers crossed!

The sun'll come out, tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a big day.

We have the DPR doctor's appointment. I am in denial and keep thinking of scenarios where he is ok, which is much nicer than thinking of the various things I will have to go through if he is not. I have actually been quite calm this weekend which makes me wonder if I am finally learning what it is like to leave control at the door. For the most part. Sort of.

Our birthmother already backed out - she found some couple locally. Huh. We are not even really upset because it didn't seem real and also they have ANOTHER one they want to present to us tomorrow. Either they are really into us and want to see us matched or they are dying to scam us out of money. We will talk to them tomorrow at 2:30 to hear about this other match.

We are really ok. I swear. I took a 2 hour nap today and plan to go to bed NOW (9:19 pm) because i am so tired and overwhelmed, but we are up for this. I think.

I told you this was a roller coaster. Glad you are along for the ride. As my friends K, L and C from the west coast know, tho, I fucking hate roller coasters.

Ok ready?

So I haven't been writing not because nothing is going on but because everything is going on but I wasn't ready to share. Now I am. I am at work doing this (bad R!) so it will be short and to the point.

Good news: I got pg. Naturally. Like, no fertility, no IVF, nothing. Just good old fashioned marital relations (sorry Mom and Dad for the reminder that I have sex). Our reaction gave new meaning to shock and awe - we ended up taking a test in the Stop n Shop bathroom in Wayne, NJ after I had not started my period. And when it was positive we just looked at each other. I think my hands were shaking. And then a woman came in the bathroom and kicked J out.

I mean who knew we could do this the right way? Why did we spend thousands? I have some great nerve damage and pychic torture as a parting gift, right? So that makes up for it.

I am 6 weeks and 4 days today. Around there. Cause see, when you do it naturally you don't actually KNOW altogether.

The pregnancy was going swimmingly, actually. Betas rising, symptoms flowing. Tired, big boobs, some nauseau. My lovely sister is pg also and she came to visit last weekend and we took tandem pregnancy naps. It was awesome.

Til yesterday.

Bad news: Well, sort of bad news. Unfortunately I started spotting this week, and then my betas from yesterday did not rise like they were supposed to. They did rise, but not enough. We have an ultrasound Monday and are holding out hope but are also realistic enough to know that betas don't lie and unless something really kick starts in there, Dr S may have bad news for us on Monday. I am sending great vibes to Dread Pirate Roberts and hope you do too. We decided to call him that as we know I am uber-high risk and that at any moment this could go downhill. Every night we say "good night, sleep well, most likely kill you in the morning" (if you haven't seen Princess Bride go rent it). It is sick, yes, but we never said we were normal.

Yesterday I was very upset as I have done everything right. No sugar, taking my metformin, even shooting myself daily with blood thinners so that my motherfucker gene clotting issue doesn't hurt DPR. But, most m/c are unexplained and if this one goes down that path we probably won't know why. I am of advanced maternal age, so it could be genetic, or there could be something else going on.

BUT, we are staying positive - while I dread the physical pain I may have to undergo psychically I feel so blessed that GUESS WHAT I AM FERTILE! I AM FERTILE! I AM FERTILE! I made a sign and flew it from my balcony. Except I don't have a balcony or sign making kit. But I am metaphorically flying the Fertile Banner.

Now we have to fix the "staying" fertile problem.

Good news: AND then we got a call Tuesday night (as I was spotting and freaking out) that we were picked by a birthmother! She is in Florida and is about 16 weeks. Due date is in February. She has had two boys so we are expecting another one, but of course who knows.

Now, everyone. Realize that it is early. Realize she could change her mind, or her ex boyfriend could derail the process, or there are a plethora of things that could happen. However, we are cautiously optimistic enough that we are planning to allow the family to throw us a baby shower, we have a plan to start calling day cares, and we are actually talking about it as "our child". As in, some woman in florida is walking around gestating our child. We are so happy about this. And she is drug and alcohol free. Stay healthy, birthmom!!!

Phew. Ok I am out with it all. I am so glad to be able to share the drama that is our lives lately. I went to bed at 8 pm last night.

More Monday when we have more info.

Dread, we love you and want you to live.

Gestating adopted baby, we love you too.

Work Work Work Hello Boys!

Not much going on here to share - just waiting. And working.



Worked my arse off this week - strategic planning for '08 and I sat in meetings from 8-6 every day. I ate enough goldfish and fruit salad to kill a normal human. If i have to look at another spreadsheet or pretend to give two shits about someone's growth plan for a certain account I will definitely barf up said goldfish and fruit salad. Worked late tonight and am finally done with the lack-of-work-life-balance week.



We are working with this adoption referral service called Bouncing.Babies and it is amazing! She calls us every few days with referrals - some of them are great and we ask her to present us, and others are a nightmare. Her first referral to us was triplets, if you remember. Her second was great and we asked her to refer us. Her third was a woman in a methadone clinic, which was not the issue, but the full open adoption complete with visits and requests for money was. Today was a 19 year old Native American woman in a drug treatment program who drank three times a week. No thanks.



So, things move forward. In strange ways.



I may not write in here as much until there is something I can talk about. The day to day details of my life are just not that interesting. Yet.



Off to bed. It is not even 10 pm.