really thinking

I am seriously thinking about stopping all of this. When I started this I talked to a friend who had adopted and she said she had tried fertility for a few short weeks and just couldn't do it. At the time I felt like she hadn't done all she could, but I am starting to get it.

I realized tonight that I am absolutely miserable. If i am not upset about something, I am worried. If I am not worried, I am anxious. I spend all my time feeling sad, or frustrated, or negative. I can't pay attention at work and find myself drifting off during important meetings, wondering if the spotting I am having is a full fledged period and yet again the cycle is cancelled, or how this cycle will or won't happen based on some work travel I have to do in January. I feel incredibly anxious and impatient and that my RE doesn't know what he is doing. The first time he tried to start my period it didn't work an made me ovulate instead, which wasted two weeks. The second time we tried i was overstimm'd and my cycle was cancelled. This time he put me on birth control pills and they caused me to start my period and have a 4 day long migraine. I think the period basically screws this cycle too. And now we have to wait another 21 days, if not more, and then pay for the entire cycle. This is making me absolutely miserable.

I guess I am just not cut out to do this. I have to embrace the fact that I either don't have the patience, or the emotional fortitude, to keep doing this. It is hurting my work, my marriage, and my relationships. I even tried to quit my singing group tonight because I feel like everyone is making me manage them and I can't even manage myself. I have no ability to cope right now because my entire life is about getting pregnant and I can't even pull that off. Hell, I can't even get to the starting gate. It makes me feel like a failure; a failure for not being able to get pregnant, a failure for not being patient enough to trust the process, and a failure for not being able to handle it.

I wish J were here.

Call Michael Moore

Goddamnit. So i just found out that my wonderful insurance that covered EVERYTHING 100% is ending the end of this year and we are switching to some crap insurance that only covers 10K LIFETIME MAX. So that means as of 1.1.07 J and i are footing the bill for this cycle's IVF (though just the tail end, which is the retreival and implant and happens in Jan) and anything we want to do after that. I have pleaded with Aetna (no deal) and our head of benefits (who nicely said he would look into "continuing my care") but think we are SOL. Great. So now the question is, do we keep going after this time with a 10K procedure that may not work, or spend 30K on adoption ASAP? I think doing this month's IVF is a no brainer, and we will do it. I think after that, if it doesn't work, we can revisit. Like a hole in the head I need this.

On a nicer note, a fertility friend who has had a LONG process (much longer than mine) did IVF this month and just told me that she is pregnant!!! She sounded shocked and stunned and still not relieved, the fertility journey doesn't end at conception but rather holds on til the fourth month. She said once she is 12 weeks along she will breathe. I was so thrilled for her that I cried, which made her cry. Her partner was in the office and SHE cried. And is not even hormonal.

Of course my other friend L who just had her 9th IUI isnt' pregnant. I was in her office last night when we both found out about the insurance. She was understandably upset. We discussed IVF but of course that is not so easy.

Acupuncutre again on Thursday! My savior!

Tentative IVF schedule

Here is what J got from the doctor. Of course things can change, but this is what Dr S thinks will happen this month..

Dec 7 - Check in at Drs office
Dec 10 - Begin Lupron (shots!)
Dec 24 - Start stimulation (more shots!)
Jan 8 - Retrieval
Jan 12 - Transfer (and start progesterone shots, which SUCK)

Nice. I will spend my 38th birthday on bed rest. If it works, I won't care.
That is a long process, huh?
I am spotting right now, which I am hoping to high hell is because of the BCP. Anyone out there get some spotting with BCP?

IVF!

So we decided on IVF yesterday, at least for this cycle. Afterwards we may switch to IUI again, if the IVF doesn't work and doesn't show any ovum problems. It is just hard as January and February both have travel times for me, which will make treatment impossible. I can't get out of either. I know that we just started this but it seems like YEARS this has been going on.

I am very excited but also worried, it is not just the treatment (which can really suck) but also that it might not work. It is really expensive and though our insurance covers it (i think) we only get 2 covered, and the last time we had to cancel this cycle and wasted that money. So annoying. I just have to think that this will work out. Or stress uncontrollably for the next 45 days. I will call tomorrow to see what my protocol is.

Decisions, decisions

After my trip to LA I came back and in the shower on the first day back at work TOTALLY threw my back out. Like cry and moan and gasp and have your husband carry you to the bed so that you can writhe in pain threw my back out. I am SURE this is stress-related, the infertility stuff is enough but then my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer and my mom with colitis in one day, so family stuff on top of it sucks as well. Thank god my dad has a mild, mild case and my mom is feeling better, but regardless, it is a lot right now.

So J and I went to the back doctor, who prescribed MORE pills (I am so Valley of the Dolls lately) and then we went right over to Dr S as J had some questions he wanted answered. We talked to Dr S and at the end I realized that I do want to flip right to IVF. There are multiple reasons, being as follows:
1. It is 70% effective over 3 months, versus 30% effective over 4 months as IUI is.
2. We have no idea what my egg quality is, and IVF is the only way to find out
3. It is quicker. And we can stop all the goddamn shots and hormones and pain and bloating and angst much quicker
4. If it doesn't work, IUI wouldn't have worked either and we just found out earlier so we can move on earlier
5. The prep work is basically the same as IUI, it is just the follow up that is different.

So, J and I started talking about it over dinner last night but he hasn't read anything or made up his mind yet, so he got mad as I started my inimitable "selling" pitch. We fought. And then went to Casino Royale.

I won't write more about this until he has read everything and has had a chance to formulate an opinion, but if we don't do IVF, I will hold my breath until I turn blue.

Happy Thanksgiving. Usually I say I am thankful for my and my family's health, but this year I can't even say that. Bah Humbug.

So far so good

Had a pretty good day all around.

Saw Dr S and he said that while things have calmed down (meaning I am no longer a chicken farm) he wants me to go on BCPs for two weeks to really take it down, and then start a greatly reduced protocol - 1 vial versus the 3 i had been taking. I start on November 30th. AND he said that if this IUI doesn't work, he wants to go to IVF. I am so glad! So now I can go to LA and not miss any time.

So then I headed to the acupuncurist's for my first appointment. Really mellow offices, with tea and massage music and Chinese art. Once I met Lara, who is my age and absolutely fantastic, we spent about 30 minutes going through my history. I started by saying "I am very healthy" but by the time I got through the PCOS, hyperinsulimia, scoliosis, planterfashitis (feet issues), hypothyroidism as a child, generalized anxiety disorder and my various stomach ailments, I stopped and said "Jesus I am a mess". And because estrogen is still coursing through my body, I started to tear up. She was very supportive and probably thought I was a nut job, but nevertheless was incredibly positive and said with my egg production level and treatment plan, I should have no problems conceiving. She even went so far as to say that I should really be careful or will end up with multiples.

Speaking of which, multiples. I would be fine with triplets, Jeff said twins. It seems to be jinxing it to talk of such things when really, one would be fine, but I wonder how i will feel if it does happen and I am faced with fetal reduction. File that one under "things to stress about late at night when J is grinding his teeth and Jezebel is peeing on the floor".

So, after I lay down she started sticking needles into my feet, legs, hands, arms, STOMACH and HEAD!!!! Yes Head. The foot one really hurt, as did the head one, but the pain abated in a few minutes. I fell immediately asleep and really relaxed. I was cold (of course) and so she wrapped me in a marathon-runner type of tinfoil blanket, which actually really worked. It was very nice. When it was all over she sold me some new PreNatal vitamins with more B (guess I am low) and told me not to drink or have sex. Uh, it was noon on a Thursday. Wasn't planning on it. I now have a small headache but feel good.

Off to LA to see the wee one and my sister. Can't wait!

What to do, what to do

So I have now decided I may want to break up with my RE. I started AF on Sunday, so Monday would be day 2, Tuesday day 3, etc. They put the fear of god in you that if you start your period you must RUN there to get poked and prodded to make sure you start your new protocol on time. After I broke down and called the RE on Sunday he said to come in Thursday. I thought that seemed a long time to wait so I called again yesterday, um, twice, and the nurse checked with him and said yes, sure enough, Thursday. So I am wondering, if I go in there, and he says I waited too long to come in and we missed the protocol window this month, can I shove the internal sonogram wand up his ass? At the least, J and I will be breaking up with him. I hate stupid people but lazy people are worse and he is getting on my nerves with his laissez faire attitude about my ovaries. J has a meeting with him next Wed to ask a multitude of questions; I am not going so the boys can talk.

Also, I made an (expensive) appointment to see an acupuncturist. Anyone ever done that? My friend Lisa swears by her and said she specializes in infertility. Amazing how that word, which used to make me cry, trips so nicely off the tongue. Or keyboard. Anyway, I feel like anything I can do to stack the deck in my favor is great. Will fill you in on how it goes and what happens.

I also got a book from a colleague that is one of these chick lit books about this Irish woman trying to get pregnant. Of course, being me, I skipped to the back and saw that she never does get pregnant and it ends with them deciding to adopt. WTF? I have no problem with adopting, and in fact we plan to do it with our second, but throw a sista a bone. Let us have a happy ending, at least in the fantasty world of Euro Chick Lit.

Just starting out

Hi all.

I have recently embarked on the not-so-fun journey known as infertility treatments, and have taken great comfort from the blogs I have found in my endless hours on the internet (I have been on here so damn much my RE told my husband to throw out our computers). My blog name is a play on the fact that those of us who are in fertility treatments tend to throw around words like follicle stimulation and hysterosalopinogram in conversation; not because we are showing off, but because we feel it is the only thing that can make us feel in control of what is a completely out of control process.

Case in point: I have been trying to plan a trip to LA to see my sister and niece, two of my favorite people in the world, around my injectible and IUI treatments. This has meant postponements and various nightmares of planning trying to make sure I am in my 2WW during my vacation. Of course, this cycle was cancelled so I figured I was safe for at least another 14 days, til I started spotting today. I am praying (tho not religious in the least, I will take ANYTHING at this point) it is some weird reaction to the total dropoff of freaky hormones and not AF coming two goddamn weeks early. After a good 2 hour cry (I was watching back to back Scrubs on TIVO and it took 6 Scrubs with no commercials) I took to the airwaves and think maybe it was ovulation spotting? right? Shit.

J left for Dubai today and so I am wandering around the house. Sat down to write and through the shared row house wall can hear my adorable gay neighbor listening to Whitney Houston's Bodyguard sound track. He is singing along like it could break his heart. Made me smile. Oh god i swear he just changed to the latest Cher CD. Is he from central casting or what? I love him.

Questions for today: Why am I spotting? And how do I not feel and come off like like a victim (of my ovaries, of timing, of fate) all the time?? it is so unnattractive.


UPDATE: Yeah, it's my goddamn period. Broke down and called Dr S on a Sunday. Felt like an ass, but fertility treatments have no class anyway. He said to come in Thursday and that I may not have to cancel my trip as my cysts may be too big and we have to wait a month anyway. Oh joy.