Some amazing stuff

Yes I am posting from vacation but that is because my hubby is sleeping to beat the band, he is so tired, and his laptop was waiting there, all set up, looking lovely.

I finished "Adoption After Infertility" - what a f'ing great book. The author is an expert - she is an IF with three adopted kids, and even tho the book is 13 years old it is so resonant. I learned quite a bit, some of which I wanted to share with you:

Positive adoption language - this is a newer way of talking about adoption that is designed to help solve some of the ancient issues that have plagued adoptive kids and parents forever. Basically, there are a few changes to the way people talk about it. For example, the correct term is "birthparent" - not "natural mother" or "real mother". There will be nothing more real than J and I walking the floors in the middle of the night with our sick child or going to their musical recital, walking them down the aisle, being at their graduation,etc.

The birthparent "makes an adoption plan", she doesn't "give the baby up" or "surrender the child". In a legal adoption no one is forced into anything and the adoption plan must be in the best interest of the child.

Never ask an adoptive parent if they "have children of their own" as it minimizes the legal and emotional relationship between parent and child, and reinforces that children are chattel to be owned.

Telling adoptive parents "now that you are adopting you will get pg" is not helpful and can be hurtful - it really only happens in 5% of the cases, studies have shown, and it reinforces the idea that adoption is second best. And when it does happen it is usually because the people have not truly stopped fertility treatments.

If a birthmother changes her mind, she does not "choose to keep her baby", she "decides to parent". It is her baby, she birthed it, but by making an adoption plan she is recognizing that she would not be able to provide the parenting to the baby and chooses two others to be that baby's parents. Real, legal, loving parents.

You do not "buy" a baby (I am so guilty of saying this) but instead your dollars go to pay the agency, the lawyers, for the legal paperwork, and the birthmother expenses. No one profits from the birth; the IRS has made that perfectly clear.

J and I are not PC nor are we sticklers for language - anyone who has been around us knows that. But I do like the idea of using less hurtful language to reinforce our children and to help them adapt to their adoption. We will try our best to be more thoughtful about how we talk about adoption. We will fail, I am sure, but I was really interested in this PAL and wonder how many other stereotypes I accidentally reinforce.

The book also cited a very interesting study done that showed that adopted children actually have a higher GPA than non-adopted children. Only one study is cited but I found that interesting as a great misconception is that adopted kids struggle more in school. The reason given in the book is that generally adoptive families are more secure financially and seem to have more educated parents. I don't want to get into "my kid is smarter than yours" but I think adoptive kids' struggle with intelligence is a longstanding misconception.

The author also cites many books about raising adopted children - while she agrees with the theory that adopted kids share more similarities than differences with biological children she does also agree that the few differences must be managed well. I plan to get a few of these. There is so much to learn. It makes me realize that when I was pregnant I was much more into learning about the pg and didn't even think about parenting, guess it is time for us to start thinking about that, too!

The other thing that happened yesterday was I was at the gorgeous pool, working on my sunburn, and i noticed that there were no less than 6 mixed race kids around. All kinds of families, with white dads and black moms and asian moms and latino dads, etc. One of my concerns about the mixed race adoption is that our children may feel uncomfortable around us, or weird around their peers, but hell, none of these kids looked as though they felt anything but excited to be here and happy in their families. Patricia Johnston, the author of Adopting After Infertility, says that adopting is not 100% altruistic, that some of it is based on the selfish desire of the parents to have children. I am afraid of that selfishness and want to make sure that we make decisions from the start that will benefit our child. Adopting a mixed race baby does have challenges for the child, growing up with white parents, but I did not see a single trace of that in any of the families I so closely watched. Maybe I am over-concerned and too worried. And those may be the most parental feelings I have felt yet.

Aloha

So I am off tomorrow to Hawaii to see J again and remember what he looks like.

For everyone who has sent me amazing adoption resources, THANK YOU!! Keep them coming. I will take advantage of every single one, once I get back.

See you all in 10 days!

Facing our demons

After a whole day of dialing for dollars and asking 9 different adoption agencies about their protocol, costs, success rates, support, processes and procedures, I think we have a winner.

To us what is important is a combo of support available, expertise in mixed race domestic newborn adoption, wait time, and, finally, costs. Mostly we want to have a not-horrific experience and still be able to buy food for said baby once he/she arrives.

I gotta tell you guys this adoption thing opens up an ENTIRE can of crap that you fertiles never have to deal with.

To start, before you even get any paperwork, your decisions include:

Newborn vs. older (newborn for us), domestic vs. international (domestic as you can get newborns), special needs versus non-special needs (as much as it pains me to say we really think right now we can't do special needs, or at least not PLAN on special needs), what state, what agency, how much to spend, what to ask, what we expect, how long things will take, etc.

Then it really gets ugly.

Basically, adopting puts you face to face with your worst self. You fill out a 3764387843769873-page application where you bare all your sordid fertility disasters, your income, mortgage, savings, family history, therapy and anxiety drug experience, medical history, etc. Then a social worker comes to your home and walks around and tells you if you have too many pets, not enough seats in your car, too few bedrooms, or an unsavory environment. I am sure we will feel judged.

And they can get in line with that, because you are already judging yourself. You have never really come face to face with your own demons until you start having conversations with your husband like this: "Would we do 1/2 black and 1/2 white? What about 1/2 black and 1/2 hispanic? What about 1/4 Native American, 1/2 black and half white? What about drug use in the first trimester? Birthfather is an alcoholic? Birthmother is a medicated schizophrenic? Is that too risky for us?" Jesus. I mean, who are we to judge? And does anyone else think it is sort of hard to be making all these decisions? I mean hell, I can't even house an embryo for more than 3 weeks, who am I to judge?

It is really, really, really hard. How do you decide? Does it even matter? I was telling my therapist today (who is now my AT - adoption therapist - not FT anymore) that J and I want to do a bi-racial adoption because a. there are many, many kids out there in that demo that need homes and b. it will help us be placed with a child more quickly, because of letter a. We feel like our lifestyle, where we live, and whom we surround ourselves with will be a warm, loving, caring and accepting place for a bi-racial child to grow and thrive. Well, we hope so. I guess someone will tell us.

However, some of the materials I am reading talk in depth about the challenges of white, middle-class ignoramuses like us adopting children of color; that the kids never really know their identity, that other kids will tease them and call them horrible names, that the family may break apart due to the kid not feeling as tho he/she belongs with said parents, etc. Is that true? Who has good stories of bi-racial adoptions to white parents going well? Why do I feel like our seemingly selfless decision is actually totally selfish, and that our choice to adopt a child of color is really about us being in a hurry and it is not best for the child?

Honestly, all I care about is giving our child the best life possible. As free from ignorant comments, strife, challenge, etc as possible. I am in love with him/her already, and s/he may not even be conceived yet. (Tho I think s/he is - I just feel like this is going to go quickly)...


I need some adopting friends. I need others to help guide us and make us feel less scared and less uncomfortable. I need some good happy ending stories and to hear from people who have adopted and are having the time of their lives, even if it started with miscarriages and bad fertility and uncertainty and fear. Because we are scared shitless. But we want to build a family so much through adoption we are going forward regardless.

Hometown makes bad

This is a PSA for the friends who read this blog - there was a shooting in my home town (small college town in Idaho) last night, and I wanted to let you all know that my folks (thank god) are visiting me this week so are not there...family is safe and sound...however the chances that we know at least one of the victims is pretty good as the town is TINY....we are waiting to hear who was shot. We can't even get solid info on whether or not anyone was killed, which of course we hoping is not the case.

Words cannot describe how weird it is to turn on CNN and see The Beach - this cheesy college bar in my hometown - broadcast nationally. Poor little hometown - its entree into the national mindset is over this. It was quite the nice place to grow up.

Anyway, just wanted everyone to know my folks are fine, though of course concerned for their friends.

And now, back to my fertility.

R is judgmental. That is not news.

I have tried my hardest to be honest here, and want to caveat today's posting with the knowledge that I may upset some people. This is not in any way my intent, but as I said, this blog would not be mine if I wasn't honest about how I felt.

Basically, lately I am wondering why in the heck some people do fertility treatments for so long.

There, I said it.

As you know I have an addiction to a variety of websites, including ivfconnections.com, soulcysters.com (for PCOS ladies) and about 1357297589759879 others. I spent too much time on them, but found them to be loving, supportive, and informative. I also met a legion of amazing, strong, brave, and beautiful women whose stories make ours look like a proverbial walk in the park.

At the same time, some of the stories I see on there make my heart break and fill me with not a small amount of judgment. There is one woman who has been through so much - multiple miscarriages, failed cycles, starting the adoption process, one more cycle and then got pg with twins, and now just lost both boys at 19 weeks, and almost died herself. Absolutely heartbreaking. And she is talking about cycling again. Why? I don't understand.

I am in awe of her. And also wonder where she gets the strength. And why she keeps going. And how.

For me, two m/c, bad eggs, PCOS and two painful IVF processes is about enough. If I never have to get my ovaries pricked with needles, give myself a shot in my stomach, suffer through nerve damage and hardened spots that never go away, take another failed PG test or wait to bleed out my "placental product", it will be too goddamn soon.

I feel irrational anger at fertility treatments and, honestly, some of the folk who come back year after year to try again. Irrational because I know it works for some people (tho I am not sure whom, as everyone on the boards seems to fail time and time again). Irrational because I understand that people want their biological children and that makes perfect sense to me. Irrational because if these amazing women have it in them to fall down and get up 100 times, they deserve every happiness. Irrational because my RE thinks that we have a "REALLY REALLY good chance" of being parents through IVF (sorry but I call bullshit).

But to witness this extreme suffering is too much for me and I have to stop with the websites. It is like all my closest girlfriends are going through this over and over again - all the names I know, the women I love but have never met, the experiences I share, the history that is like a horror story. I want them to get what they want. And then be able to stop the madness.

I know a ton of people who got pg naturally, and never have a m/c, yet these IVF women have m/c more often than not. It is the same process over and over - watch all the BFPs, the great beta results, then a few weeks later the "I am bleeding a bit, is this normal"? which denigrates to "the u/s confirmed that our baby is gone".

Is it because we have fertility problems to start with that makes us more prone to m/c? Is it something about IVF? Why is it that the women who have the most problems getting pg also have the most staying pg? And how does ANYONE EVER have a healthy baby? It is so fucking unfair. No one deserves happiness and fulfillment more than these women. And yet they get it so infrequently.

I am not a big believer in things being "meant to be", however I wonder if somewhere some 15 year old (hopefully with an off the charts IQ and Olympic-ready physical perfection) is having a momentary lapse of reason and our future son or daughter is being conceived. I wonder if some single pg woman with 4 kids who is not in a good financial situation is crying herself to sleep, wondering if this is the one she should give up. I wonder if somewhere our baby is gestating, and we were always meant to have it, and thank god that both of our pgs didn't work out because we wouldn't have had the most meaningful experience of our lives adopting our soon-to-be-born child. Maybe this was always the plan, but we had to get there.

Regardless, I feel 100% at peace with the choice to stop fertility, for us, at least for now. It is like a 1000 pound weight has been lifted off of my ovaries, uterus, and mind. J is excited and embracing this process, as am I.

I need to accept that these beautiful women on the boards get to make their own choices too, even if it means years more of heartbreak. I just hate to see it.

A dear friend gave me a book about two families who grow close through their adopted korean girls. They are at the airport together when their daughters arrive and start spending time together over the years. The arrival happens in the first 5 pages and I had to stop reading I was crying so hard. It was moving, beautiful, and amazing. I cannot wait to get our call that our child is arriving, and to be there to see him or her, and to bring the baby into our home and hearts. I feel so good. Even with the universe being so unfair. :)

Betas R Us

Man my beta just LOOOOOOVES to hang around.

It is down to 44.7, which is still big enough to be picked up by most HPTs. Amazing. Remind me never to take one of those again, they don't really tell you shit.

I do NOT feel well physically - am very very tired, crampy and sore. I am so fucking sick of having a headache. I have lived my last 6 weeks with a veil over my head, really.

Mentally I am great - my folks are coming in to spend a week and I am so looking forward to seeing them. I only have a week and a few days before I can see J, and I am starting to read all kinds of exciting things about adoption.

So, all in all, things are good. I just want that beta to drop so all the hormones are GONE. They really mess with you.

And in other news...

I quit my job yesterday.
.
I decided on the PR firm, for many reasons. Mostly it is a lifestyle choice; this company is more creative, I can wear my own clothes and not a suit, the people are hilarious and swear in front of me, I get to stay in media and entertainment, and, and this was not a small thing, my commute will be easier. There are many more places right next to the city that J and I can move to once we have a kid and need a bigger space. It is in midtown so it is closer to my RE and therapist for when we start cycling again in a few months.

Also, and probably most importantly, they designed the job description around exactly what i wanted to to do, so the career move is a great one.

The thing that is worth mentioning is that I made my decision between this and the Giant Credit Card Company (turning that down was REALLLLLLY HARD) based on what will be best for my family - I will have more flexibility to spend more time with my child with this role as the commute will be shorter and they do flexible work arrangements. I won't have to leave the house at 7 am and return at 7 pm. I will be working hard but not crazy, and it is a scalable role. Making a decision on the children we will have, rather than already have, was my first step in being a parent and it felt really, really good. Before I would've taken the other role as it was GIANT and would've been a great career move, but now I am taking a great career move at a smaller place to allow for more time for me and our children. I love it.

My friend Y and I were talking about this, and she said that she too finally got to the point where she made choices based on the child she had not yet conceived - rather than making it fit into our lives, we sometimes have to change our priorities. And then she got pg after 5 years of trying. She is a wise woman.

I never thought I would want to do that, but here I am. And i couldn't be happier.

I have no plans to stay home and this job is much, much bigger than my current role. But I think it will provide me the balance that I will need. I am very excited!

I plan to stay here through June 8th (with a nice 8 days in Hawaii in the middle) and then take a week to see B and superniece E in LA. Some days at home with MFS (most fav spouse) J and then starting a new experience.

Wish me luck!

Epilogue: Keith Richards

Today we verified the m/c - Keith was gone but his home was still there, though disintegrating. Dr S was happy with my uterus (ew) and said I was physically handling the m/c well - and that there was probably no need for any drugs or god forbid a d & c.

I did feel today like i was initiated into a new club - the repeat pregnancy loss club. No one wants to be a member but we are legion. If you go on any IF boards and look at pregnancy loss there are women on there with upwards of 10 miscarriages. Can you imagine?

As part of the RPL frequent flier club you get the RPL panel, which involved 13 vials of my blood and another hystereosalopinogram. I gave the blood, which they will test for clotting disorders, auto-immune diseases, chromosomal abnormalities and antiphosopholid issues. J will get the same tests when he returns from Dubai and Hawaii. I asked the nurse if she could draw blood from his testes so he can REALLY understand the pain I have experienced. She laughed and said she would look into it.

It takes up to 3 weeks to get the results back. We have an appointment on June 7th to get initial stuff back. It is not like i want something to be wrong, but I do want some answers. Its just with 5 eggs implanted, we have gotten pregnant twice and miscarried twice. That usually means all 5 eggs (4 last time, one this time) were not good - those are not good odds. At least we will know now if my eggs are the problem.

He wants to up my protocol again for next time. More reason to wait til the end of the summer, which is what J and I plan to do.

In the meantime I did a job on my left leg - I gave myself an overzealous PIO shot yesterday morning that I think I shoved so far in it went past my muscle into my leg bone. I have incredible pain there, like the world's worst bruise. The nurse said that because I have lost so much weight (again, for the wrong reasons, and I am sure i will gain it all back ASAP) I dont have enough fat to use the long needles and I needed to push them in like a third as far as I did. Whoops. Oh well, I am done with shots for at least two months now. Actually what she said was, "Some of our more plumper patients need the 22 1/2 gauge, but not you.". Plumper patients?

So we bid a loving goodbye to Keith Richards. He really was amazing. Dr S was very sad about the m/c, he said he was really optimistic even with the low beta. He still feels almost 100% certain that we will have a live birth, but sadly I dont believe him. But, it doesn't matter. We will be parents one day.

An ode to Keith Richards

I have to tell you an amazing story.

As you all know we had an IVF genocide, with one survivor - Keith Richards. He fought so hard to live and made it to transfer, doubling nicely.

To my surprise, his fighter spirit continued and at 8 days past my transfer, as J was getting ready to leave, I got the FAINTEST positive pregnancy test. I began HPT (home pregnancy test) Buy-Out 2007, with the total spent around $100. Each day the line got a bit darker, and I spent most of J's first weekend gone carrying around urine-soaked sticks to various lights to see, in fact, if I was pregnant.

I took my inital beta, and got back results - 56. I was definitely pregnant but the numbers were low. Keith was hanging on and had actually implanted and was sticking in! He amazed me.

Two days later I went in again for the repeat beta and he was growing! It was 117, which more than doubled, which meant he was growing on target. However, it was still too low. Tomorrow was to be our third beta, and we wanted to see a level of 400 or so to know he was viable.

We lost Keith on Friday night, when I arrived at the yoga/meditation retreat I am currently at in the Catskills. I started cramping very badly and when I got up saturday I was bleeding. I called my RE at 5 am (that is why I pay him the big bucks) and he said there was no reason to rush home, it was done, and I am to come in tomorrow for a repeat preg loss panel of tests because this was m/c #2.

Honestly, while of course I am sad and angry, I am also so grateful for Keith - he really tried and was such a fighter. He beat 15% odds (my chances of getting pregnant off one egg), hooked on and gave me 5 days of feeling him. I love him so much for trying and am in awe of his strength. I am so sorry he is gone, but the mental prep we did for his potential for leaving really helped - when it happened J and I were sad, but calm. Dissapointed, but not devastated.

J is in Dubai so I have been giving myself intramuscular shots for many days now and am really impressed with myself - nothing says nasty like seeing a 2 inch needle go all the way in your leg. But Keith was totally worth it to me!

Now I just wait til the test results come back. J and I meet in Hawaii in two weeks, where I guess I can now scuba dive. And when we come back, we will start adoption proceedings. It is time.

We will cycle again, but I need to give myself a few months. I have lost a lot of weight (unhealthily), am crampy, sore, headachy and achy, and am so, so tired. The hormones have done a job on me and I need to get my health back.

So everyone, rather than feeling sad, please feel happy that J and I created such a little fighter. He was wonderful and strong and really showed us.

And...scene. For awhile.

So this is it, I am going silent for awhile. If we get good news, I am not sharing it for months. Maybe til the baby is born, or at least when s/he gets married. You are all invited.

If we get bad news, I want to process it before any pity emails start coming in. I know I am playing hide and seek as I have been really open about all this so far but with the beta soon I just need to go back to me and J and not let in the outside world.

I say pity emails because unfortunately I have realized that I am not gracious. I have 2 people in my life (who don't read this blog) who tend to call me and say "How AAAAAARRRREEE you" which makes me want to kill them. I feel like the unspoken is "How AAAAAARRRRREEE you, you infertile sad pathetic freak, baronness of the barren!". There is nothing nice or caring about this, it is nothing but straight up pity and I hate pity. It feels patronizing and mean. Don't pity me - I have a great life, a great family, a great job (jobs?), great friends, a nice home, money to eat out every once in while, and most of all a fantastic husband. We have the means to get the means to adopt if need be, so we know we will become parents one day.

Does anyone blame me that I hate it when these two people call with that simpering "oh dear, you must just be DESPONDENT, I know I would be if I were as infertile as you obviously are"? Or am I truly evil? And if so, does our child become spawn of evil? Perhaps it is a genetic trait and so our adopted child will be goodness and light. Though goodness and light doesn't tend to last long in our household...:we tend to tease it and make it cry and run screaming out the door, while we laugh uproariously like crazy people :)

Anyway stay tuned for future updates. Once things are solidified I will post, which could be up to three months. Or tomorrow. I like to keep you guessing.

Countdown to pregnancy symptoms - T minus 3 days

Today's symptoms:
Even less than yesterday.

J left for a MONTH this morning. Augh. I hate it when he is gone - it feels like a hole in my life. The house is really empty without him in it. I wish I had a pied a terre in the city for when he is gone so I can really entertain myself.

I lifted way more than 10 pounds today, had regular coffee, and plan to snort some glue later today. The first are actually true, the third is something I read about. I have a headache too, probably a PMS migraine coming on. Let this wait be over so we can all move on!

I am signing up today to spend 2 days next weekend at a meditation retreat. After breaking into tears both on the way to (thank god no one in NYC pays attention to anyone else) and at my acupuncturist because of fertility woes, j leaving, job agite, etc it has come to my attention that I am losing it. And quickly. This retreat is an hour north of the city and you do yoga and meditate and eat good healthy food for two days.

And, and this is not an accident, you forget that it is Mother's Day on Sunday and that I was supposed to be about 4 months from being a mother at this time.

Pregnancy Symptom Watch - Countdown T minus 4 days

Today's symptoms:

None.

See you tomorrow.

Reasons I am pregnant, and reasons I am not

Reasons I am pregnant:
1. I get up multiple times a night to pee now. At least once and sometimes two or three times
2. I have weird cramping feelings, ahem, "down there"
3. I am always starving
4. I am exhausted

Reasons I am not:
1. I can't remember how long that has been going on, but while it is new, it may not be new enough. And could be leftover from the HCG shot that has pregnancy hormone in it.
2. Look up "psychosomatic" on dictionary.com
3. I am always starving. Tho this is new - being this hungry all the time
4. I have been such a ball of stress I was not sleeping very well

and the number one reason I am not pregnant:

5. ONE EGG??????????

Hope springs eternal, though, right?

I am really stressed - rant ahead

Update to the update:
Heard from the headhunter, after I meet with the brit tomorrow they will give feedback en masse. At the very least they are neutral about me - and that is the very least. If they didn't like me i wouldn't make it to this next stage. They seem happy with me and want this other man to meet me. Guess i didn't screw the pooch too bad with the senior guy. hooray again!!
Update:
Pitching the new role could NOT have gone better. She loved the whole thing and didn't make a change and is going to pitch it to the CEO and Head of HR this week. Or at least she said she was. And I figure that if nothing happens, I at least tried, right? hoo-ray!!!!!

I am not sure I have ever been this stressed out on so many fronts.

1. Job stuff. Of course as soon as i say I am staying I have a great interview at the big Credit Card Company. One that i think I may have blown. The job really does sound amazing, a ton of work and responsibilty (potentially up to 20 people on my team!!!) but also really interesting and exciting. The thing is I think the big big HR guy didn't love me. He kept saying 'I love your energy! Especially for the end of the day!' which makes me think he thought I was a total fucking babbling idiot. I was not levitating or anything but was my normal, enthusiastic self. Sigh. Guess I got too comfortable or something. Dammit.

2. I am falling on my sword at work today and pitching a new, SVP-level role for myself. And I am NOT going through the right channels. At all. Purposefully. I am going to an EVP outside of HR who is in charge of another area that is very related to my new role, and hope that she will listen. If she says she would consider it I will then go over TWO levels of HR people and go to the most senior HR person in the organization to pitch the role. Not sure where it would report. Anyway it will come out that I want out of this role and that I am unhappy. That could be very bad.

Basically, it is like closing time. You can't stay here but you can't go home. I may be totally out of a job in the near future (that is worst case) having f-ed up the outside job and raising too many questions here and not being political. And this before we enter into a self-pay IVF cycle (10k) and adoption proceedings (30K+).

It is like i am ripping a band aid off - I could just lull myself into security here but it is not right - my career has nowhere to go if I don't leave. We won't starve, believe me, but it wouldn't be great either. I am not a risk taker by nature so this entire thing makes me want to barf my guts out. I HAVE to have faith in myself and my work and know that as cheesy freaky people say, a door closes and a window opens.

3. This last IVF. We did have one little tiny embryo so the chances are almost nil. And to add insult to injury, this time the progesterone is having no side effects. Basically progesterone mimics pregnancy - sore breasts, bloating, etc. This time, nothing. It is like I am SO NOT PREGNANT not even artificial means can get me symptoms. Last time i had them all. So, I would say we can all stop holding our breaths - this cycle is a bust. Onto self-pay. Of course I don't know this for sure - but this is what I think when I am lying awake at 5 am. Ironically, I am working more hours than ever because I am basically getting in at 7 am every day.

4. Adoption. How the bloody hell are we going to afford it? What if we never get a baby? What if the mom comes and takes the baby back? This process seems so overwhelmimg, like everything else in my life.

5. J is leaving for a month on Saturday. A month. And bad things ALWAYS happen when he is gone. Really bad things like losing my rings and breaking things and cat getting sick and stuff. I hate it when he is gone. What fresh hell will this trip bring? He will be gone for the beta.

I am not really sleeping right now and feel teary all the time. My body is humming with the stress and my dreams, when I do sleep, are horrible. I have had two colds this winter which is two more than I normally get. I have all these weird bruises all over my body that I can't explain. I am so overwhelmed.

I keep telling myself that soon I will have many answers - I will know if I got fired, if I got this new role, if the cycle worked, if I survived J's trip. But getting there is a disaster.