One...is not the loneliest number...

Had the RE appt yesterday. Got lots of info.

First, I am officially 5 weeks and 6 days today. My due date is Sept 26th.

J and I saw the gestational and yolk sac. Is it too early to see anything else, according to "what to expect" we can expect nothing. Basically the baby is the size of a ballpoint pen prick. Ha. Ballpoint pen prick. That was dirty.

Anyway, I digress. He said we are tracking 100% to where he would expect us, and that all looks good. He wants us back in two weeks to see the fetal pole and heartbeat.

Yes, there is one. He thinks there is one, though he said there could be another one hiding in there as I still have the World's Most Giant Ovaries thanks to hyperstimulation. It will be a few weeks before those go down. J and I were sorta dissapointed, as twins would be great, but then again, as we thought about it and twins would be HARD.

So, next step we will see the Dr in a few weeks. He wants us to come back in two Mondays but J will be in Dubai so are trying for a week from Saturday. This is the one where we hear the heartbeat. Fingers crossed!

It's tired out

My friend Rob used to say that. And its true.

No news, thank god. Just feeling a bit sick today and really tired tonight. Could be babies or could just be cold out and long week at work.

Monday I am 6 weeks. I get my ultrasound to make sure there are babies in there, and see how many. WAYYYY off on the hearbeat, that is in like 3 weeks. Dammit.

I really want to forget I am pregnant til like April. Or March, at least, when I see my parents. Just forget, let these weeks past uneventfully, and then all of sudden be more comfortable with this whole thing. Let's all forget, k?

I probably wont post on here much, just updates from Dr S. I just feel so tenuous and so raw. I know the babies are in there, I feel them and talk to them, I just need to keep my mind occupied on things like the Oscars and my job and how many breakfasts I can eat.

See you all in 6 weeks. Until then lets all pretend this is a blog about politics.

GREAT BETA

Just heard from Dr S's office - beta rose to 1280! That is tripling in three days - GREAT numbers. J and I go in next Monday for the ultra sound to see how many. Fingers crossed that we see the heartbeat(s) as our miscarriage rate drops to like 2% once we see that. I am very excited and cautiously optimistic!

I am not feeling so hot today - have so much bloating that I am sitting at work with my jeans unbuttoned and belt off totally. Dr S did an internal ultra sound today as I am hyperstimming again, but said it is not too bad. My waist size, though up 3 inches from normal, is the same as it was on Saturday so that is all good. I do have some soreness in my abdomen and also some weird shooting pains that could either be gas, or just fluid. TMI, as they say, but MAN constipation isn't fun either. I had prunes for dessert last night.

I am so hot.

Yes Virginia,

I am pregnant.

Really pregnant.

Like beta of 400. Which Dr S says means multiples. Not sure how many yet.

Jeff heard from the Dr at around 4, ran up to my office, and told me right after. Once I cried for like 4 minutes, we started calling family which was incredibly fun. We called each other "mommy" and "daddy" all night, like we were two 95 year olds. He yelled "My wife is pregnant" in the Coach House Diner. Since everyone in JC is pregnant, and also 15 years old, no one cared.

This IVF is da shit.

Listen, honestly, I am beyond thrilled. But I am also aware that this is just the beginning. I have to go back to the Drs on Monday to make sure my beta is rising. And after that, the sonogram and the heartbeat.

I know that the first few months are tricky, and promise to stay positive but also be realistic. So for this reason, I am trying to stay as calm as possible and just enjoy the moment. I am not shouting it from the rooftops, and in fact am thinking through when to tell my boss. I want to NOT go on a trip at the end of this month so may tell her sooner rather than later.

Thank you all for coming on the ride. More to come I am sure, but for now, lets all think good thoughts for Kim Jong Il 2, Amadanadinijab 2, and Perry (Jeff thinks there are 3). Perry stands for Dr Cox in Scrubs and, less nicely, a parasite. Ew. But I will be goddamned if I don't love all these little buggers so much already.

Will let you know how the numbers are on Monday.

Best. Day. Ever.

Tomorrow, tomorrow

So. It is here. The beta. Tomorrow at at 1 or 2 pm I will know. I have to say, as of today, I am ok. I am so glad to stop this waiting game that regardless of the answer, I will feel a bit better knowing I can either drink with impunity or NOT drink for a reason. That i can stop wondering about whether to use Equal or Splenda. And if it is no, that I can stop causing mortal damage to my nerve endings by shooting through them with my PIO. Today I think J may have hit my bone in my leg, which weirdly enough, didn't really hurt.

Anyway, I feel like poop. My stomach and abdomen wakes me up every night with soreness, cramping and a feeling like I just did about 100 situps. It is high on my belly all the way down to my abdomen. So weird. It is either 4 babies singing "I Want It That Way" or leftover goodies from my hyper stim, but tomorrow, if the beta is negative, I will be asking for drugs. Catagory X drugs. Cause i can. Also, the last few nights i get up at least twice, if not three times, to pee. I KNOW that is just nerves as there is no way I have some damn baby (babies?) pressing on my bladder yet. Please.

For some reason I am not at all tempted to test. I like living in this "well, sure I could be pregnant" land and want Dr S to be the one to tell me I am not. If i am not. Which I hope i am.

I will be posting the results but only after I can talk to my family. So it may be Saturday. Thank you all so much for your support and kind postings, your words and knowing you are reading and interested have helped me more than you know.

Love you all!

a crack in the armor

Just so no one thinks that I have become this Pollyanna of Positive Thinking, I had a pretty bad start to the international holiday that is my birthday yesterday. I became convinced on Friday night that all the babies were gone. I lay in bed (lied in bed? Laid in bed?) Friday night, weeping silently (J was playing his digital heroin, PS2, and was unaware of the breakdown occuring two flights up) that this didn't work, that even with four beautiful well-formed blasts (one of which was practically walking), even tho there is no reason to think my uterus is nothing but a lovely 4-star hotel, I would be spending my life going to baby showers and kids' parties with a smile plastered on my face, gift in hand, wishing silently that I could've been so lucky as to have had a child, but alas the fates were against me. I seriously took that image about as far as I could go, wrenching a lovely combo of pity, anger and resignation from myself.

When J woke me Saturday morning, my actual birthday, with the gentle stab that is my PIO shot, I shared this vision with him. Of course, he a combo of the voice of reason and that Monthy Python song (always look on the bright side of life...) so he thinks it worked and I don't have proof it didn't.

I moped about all morning, slept til 11 after the shot, and only roused when we discussed going to breakfast. At breakfast, I cried over my pancakes about another year older and no offspring. When you re trying to have a baby, rolling over a year is NOT good - in this case my push to 38 put me in a whole nother statistic box that sucks.

J handled it well, he made me a deal. He said if Friday's news is bad, he will help me begin to research adoption agencies and help me move forward quickly so that we MAY have a baby by 39. The deal is I have to be positive and send positive vibes to the babies (whom he is convinced are still there) for another 5 days. I agreed to this deal and started the process of PUTPOYSLAMO (picking up the pieces of your shattered life and moving on).

So we ran errands and then I took another nap. Hello. Sleepy, anyone? J pointed out that excessive tiredness and moody behavior were TYPICAL signs of early pregnancy, but of course we both know that it is so damn early the chances of there being any signs at all is nil.

We had a great dinner last night in the city and I got a gift certificate for TWO massages at a place on the UWS, to be used either as pregnancy massages or to drown my sorrows.

My birthday was salvaged, my mood improved, and once again, I was proven to have married the right man.

We could be heroes...prepare for sappy blog. Its the hormones, I promise.

I was thinking a lot about heroes lately as the news has been full of that amazing man who jumped in front of a moving train to save a guy who fell to the subway tracks. People have been so nice saying that they are impressed with my tenacity and positiveness, and while I so appreciate it, I feel unworthy; there are so many others who are faced with so much more, and for longer, and still come back every day. It is amazing, the drive to have a child.

Of course not every hero gets a parade, free tickets to Cats and a mayoral salute. So I wanted to take a blog entry during this 2WW (two week wait - the period between conception and a + pregnancy test) to salute some of the people I know whom I think are exhibiting heroic qualities.

It is better to focus on some positive stuff than completely obsess about every damn uterine twinge, right?

-Our friend S who is trying to adopt a Chinese baby and feeling the wrath and wait of the new laws

- W, who is suffering some kidney problems and the potential loss of her gestational carrier. But keeps on.

- S: You made it through over a year of trying and one IVF round already- now you are coming back for more with a great attitude. Thanks for all your kind words and support. You are like my IVF guru. This is your cycle!

L - You went through failed IUIs and are overcoming your fear of needles to try IVF. I promise the trigger shot and PIO are nothing! You are awesome!

S - You are now pregnant with twins. You make me realize it could work!!!

J - my hero. He sits with me when I am sick, feeds me when I am hungry and deals with me when I am bitchy. I love you honey! There is NO WAY I could do this without you.

Rolling cheeseballs, coming through my blog, as my dear friend Chrissy would say. Sorry.

Tomorrow's topic: cramping. Bad or good? Discuss.

Try this at home, kiddies!

So, want to experience your very own transfer?

Start by drinking 2 quarts of water. In an hour. On an already full bladder. Then, drive to your doctor's office. Sit for an hour while people discuss embryos, blastocysts, etc. Finally, go into a sterile room with your spouse, RE, embryologist and nurse, where they push HARD on your full bladder for about 30 minutes.

Don't try this at home, actually. Dr S said about 25% of patients actually pee on him ;0 I am proud to say I did not.

Of our bounty of eggs, some of the goods were not so good. We had 16 fertilize but only 4 ranked as A or A/B+s. While that was plenty for transfer, all great quality for transfer, and they all went in, that is not good as we can't freeze any of the others and so if we need to do this again I have to go through stim cycles again. Oh well. Hopefully it won't come to that. Based on m age this is not so surprising, but was the only slight dissapointment today.

The good news is that 4 gorgeous eggs made it to blastocyst, which is great. They looked good, and in fact one looked so good, and had grown so big already, that Dr S said it was entering kindergarten before we put it in. J and I got to watch the transfer and see all the little eggies (named Begonia, Biff, Juan Pablo and Jack by the embryologist) put in my uterus. We even got a picture of them in their home once they were settled nicely into my endometrium lining. Dr S said the transfer was picture perfect and couldn't have gone better.

It was actually sort of moving. To think that one, or more, of these little guys may be our future offspring is very powerful.

Think good thoughts, all. Implantation should happen in the next few days. I go back Jan 19th to get the blood test.

Shot in the ass, and you're to blame...

Honey you give progsterone shots a bad name...

Sorry. A little Bon Jovi for you. I do live in Jersey, after all.

J, the world's best shot giver, missed it a bit today. The shot was ok but I am experiencing major stinging and pain throughout my right butt cheek. Gave up on sleep and am now getting ready for Transfer Day, 2007 on Monday. My super supportive, thoughtful folks bought me these awesome relaxation tapes and I am burning them to IPOD this morning so I can listen to them Monday and will these babies to implant. I washed my sheets yesterday, and am washing all my comfie pjs and robe that says LoverGirl (that my singing group bought us for our wedding, they are AWESOME and SOFT and CUDDLY! Thanks guys!). I am scheduled for acupuncture on Tuesday, and just need to make sure that Dr S thinks I can travel into the city that day. Basically, we are all set.

At this point, it is up to fate. The rate of success with IVF varies; some places tell you 70% over three cycles, but it looks like the national average is more like 35% for women my age. Not great odds, but then again, people get pregnant this way, right? And as J says, super sperm gotta count for something. I keep telling myself that it may not work, basically to protect myself, but of course I am thinking positively and hoping.

I allowed myself to doze this morning and think about having twins. Holy shit. I pictured J and I dealing with that. Wow. Anyway, it was a fun daydream but I am not sure if that were reality I wouldn't lose it. At this point, I will be happy with anything; the nice thing about these treatments is that you really solidify that fact that you want, and are ready for, a baby.

I had another thought. Why are there no movies about infertility? Not even a drama, hell, there is enough funny about all this shit that I am surprised that no one ever made a comedy about it. Does anyone know of one?

There are SO MANY people affected by this, I would assume that RESOLVE's members alone would make it a box office splash. Any screenwriters out there who want to pitch this with me? We can stay with my sister in LA....

We may try to go to the boat show today, depending on how my walking is going. We ventured out to dinner yesterday which was huge. Every time the car hit a bump though I was through the roof. Just a friendly reminder of the 28 needles stuck into me.

Land of the living

So the nurse called and said that my blood test was ok- while i definitely had some bloating i didnt have real OHSS, thank god. I feel like 70% better today, but part of that is that I haven't really stood up, gone outside, gotten dressed, etc in over 24 hours. That sucked but I am so glad it is over.

We are scheduled for transfer on Monday at9:45. I am very excited. Understatement of the year.

I will write about it Monday - basically I have to drink about 100 glasses of water and do my best not to pee on the doctor. They want you to have a REALLY full bladder so that the uterus is pressed down. That sounds so fun, really.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Bad news and good news

Bad news first: I am potentially in the early stages of Ovarian HyperStimulated Syndrome, which is a very nasty and painful (and potentially tremendously dangerous) problem caused when the ovaries produce too many follicles, and begin to secrete fluid into the body cavity. Bascially, I am so bloated it hurts to walk, breath, and stand up. I just got back from crawling to the bathroom.

I won't be funny about this because honestly, I am scared shitless. I had an emergency appointment with Dr S today, who took blood (which will verify or negate the OHSS) and did an ultrasound. He said my midsection is filled with fluid but the lungs are clear, so right now at least it is a mild case. We are waiting a few days to see if this develops from mild to severe. If that happens, this cycle is cancelled and I must check into the hospital. I am not kidding, this is the worst pain I have felt. Maybe ever. I am trying to be positive and think it will go away. Please all do that as well.

I am at home, J is waiting on me hand and foot (what an amazing man) and I have to get up every hour to walk around as OHSS can cause blood clots. I am wearing Ted Hose to prevent (no comment that my father had to wear them too) clots from forming. I have been alternately crying and moaning all day but think maybe that may stop. EIther from sitting all day, or from the pounds of Gatorade I have to drink, I am not in as much pain. This is unfortunately not uncommon, especially for PCOS ladies, but it still sucks. Look up OHSS on Google and watch the magic. Good news is I am still peeing regularly (TMI!) which is a good sign, that means my body is still getting rid of water. If that stops we are in big trouble.

Work is a far distant memory. I tried to work this morning, but had to limp into a cab to the drs an hour after arriving. I got home with Jeff and tried for a few more hours but broke down and just took a sick day, at least today and tomorrow.

Anyway, enough whining. Good news: We had 16 embryos fertilize. I think that may be unheard of. We actually had 18 fertilize (out of 25!) but two are abnormal as two of J's sperm wormed their way in there. He and the embryologist had a good laugh about a threesome with my egg, but laughing hurt me and I started moaning and really ruined the mood.

So...worst case: we cancel the transfer and do it when I am well. Freeze the babies and replant them later. Not ideal as it does hurt the chances, but we got embryos to spare right now. Best case, I stop feeling like a microwaved hot dog without those fork holes in them and we do the transfer Monday. It is Monday because with this many embries we can afford to choose the very best. A few may drop off, but since the average rate of fertilization is around 50%, our 70-80% is really good news. When Erik told me I started crying harder, mostly from relief. This is all good news people, except the excrutiating pain. And that, too, shall pass.

Pop quiz: who is the biggest mess you know right now? ME!

Think good thoughts people. Gotta get these fluids cut down. i look as pregnant as I actually want to get.

Slight discomfort my ass....literally

Man.

So we get up at 5 am to go into the RE's office. They put me in scrubs with booties and nasty hair net, the the anastheciologist (dear CHRIST how do you spell that?) comes in. With stiches and a black eye. Seems he had a run in with a picture frame AND a luggage cart carrying his dry cleaners on the street. At different times. Great. I have clumsy man as the guy who will hold my life in his hands.

He puts in the IV, which hurts like hell.

J has to leave go make his....er...donation. This is after I bitch at him multiple times cause he hit my IV hand slightly. Yes, I am irritable. Yes, I am nervous.

They take me into the room where there are literally 6 doctors and nurses. Up into the stirrups. Clumsy Man asks me to think about the best vacation I have ever been on. I say, oh, that was Indonnnnnnnnssssssssssnore.

I wake up 30 minutes later, crying. Crying? Why? Not sure. I think it was the drugs as as soon as I sobered up I stopped and was sort of unsure what made me do that. I was pretty calm, and felt little pain.

I did write a note to J that I wanted a bagel and coffee when I came out. It makes a girl hungry to get 25 EGGS FROM HER OVARIES. 25. And he said 15 looked mature. Damn. Call me Col. Sanders. Now, if any of them are good, I will be happy! We find out tomorrow. After the PIO shots start. My pain tolerance will be really revved up by the time I actually get pregnant and have the damn baby.

J and I leave, me sated and happy with my coffee and bagel.

As soon as we hit the car, the pain sets in. Damn, folks.

The woman next to me in the operating room said it best: "It feels like you had really bad sex, and are constipated at the same time". Ah yes. Basically I can hardly stand up. Feels like my appendectomy almost 20 years ago - like if I walk upright my ovaries and uterus will just fall out. Ew.

Just took another tylenol. Hope that helps.

Grow eggies grow! Mommy is sick of this shit.

Oh, not one but TWO doctors mentioned what strong sperm J had. One even offered to bump chests with him to show how manly he is. I knew that. He is the best.

Tis just a flesh wound

Wow - Talk about much ado about nothing. Man my husband is a good trigger inter-muscular shot giver. I hardly felt it and actually asked "is it in?" (never something a man wants to hear). I am a bit sore today on my hip but nothing bad. And to think I was counting down the seconds til that shot. I can only hope the PIO (progesterone in oil) is that easy!

Saw Lara the awesome acupuncutrist today. She said I definitely seem hyperstim'd a bit but that since retreival is so soon it should be fine. It is actually painful to walk at this point, so am looking forward to tomorrow to get these the hell outta my body.

Short blog today. Can't think. Too much Estrogen. I think I am a soprano now.

Will write more tomorrow after retrieval.

Movin on Up

So Nurse C called yesterday and said my E2 levels had tripled in two days. Dr s wants to move up my schedule. Here is the new one:

Sunday night - 75 UI of Follistim and 5 UI of Lupron (taken in the UWS restaurant where we had New Years)
Monday night - HCG shot. This really freaked me out as we had not learned how to take it yet. Thank God J is smart and calm and totally figured it out.
Tuesday night - Start Doxycycleine pills for infection
Wed at 6:45 am - Retrieval!
Sunday or Tuesday of next week - Transfer (god willing)

I had to immediately go upstairs and take a nap after this. I was totally freaked. I feel like we are not ready.

I called C back and asked a bunch of questions, the most important being if I had only 15 follies with the largest being 18 mm, did Dr S think we would be ready? She said with these E2 levels my follies would grow and grow over the last few days and and by the time we came in Wed would be great.

So, tonight. Trigger shot. Yikes. I dreamt that I gave it to myself but didn't push the plunger in, just to see how it felt. I think it won't feel good.