We take a break from fertility talk..

to bring you a funny story. I may live in the big city, but you can't take Idaho fully outta me.

My good friend K works for a major entertainment magazine and she from time to time makes my entire year by taking me to a cool industry event. She has been my ticket to the VMAs and other fun things. This is not why I love her - she is the coolest chick ever, funny and kind and awesome, but being with a funny awesome kind person at an amazing party is just icing.

She took me to the Sopranos premiere party the other night. It was a to-do at Radio City, with 2000 people in various stages of appropriate and inappropriate dress (some of them looked like they were channeling Adrienne). The entire cast was there and we watched the first two episodes, which btw are absolutely fantastic.

At the afterparty we ate lots of pasta and then walked around doing our favorite thing, seeing famous people. I swear THEY ARE JUST LIKE US. They were eating and talking to friends and doing interviews.

We saw James Gandolfini and Lorraine Bracco and Jamie Lynn Sigler (skinny b.itch) and then, the coup de grace, walked within 2 feet of Edie Falco. I worship her, both for her acting and her just general coolness. So K is in front of me and I grabbed her arm and said "THERE'S EDIE FALCO!" and I mean I said it really loud. Like football game cheering loud.

Well, because famous people ARE just like us, she was not in a soundproof box, and since she was maybe .5 feet from me, she turned around like she maybe knew me or at least was just a normal person who heard her name being yelled by a total stranger.

I ducked and TOOK OFF because I was so embarassed. There is a fine art to starfucking and I crossed the line - stare, but don't draw attention to yourself or the fact that you are starfucking. K totally cracked up and we left soon after. I hope to be invited back to a cool industry event someday, but need to probably exhibit tremendous cool until then.

A friend recently told me he had a friend at another event and was seated by Cher. This friend said, as loudly as I did, "OH MY GOD THERE IS CHER" at which point she turned around (see: not in soundproof box) and said "OH MY GOD I AM CHER". If that had happened I would've moved back to Portland just to get away from the shame.

Reb.ecca Wal.ker sucks.So does my attitude today.

See, I put PERIODS in the middle so she can't SEARCH me. Tho she posted my bitchy blog comment. Please, folks, if you have an issue with her post on her site - all the other posts are really suck ups. I was the only one to call her insensitive.

I have nothing more to say about that other than I got more email about that post than any other blog entry thus far - all saying how she sucks. Love it. Thanks everyone.

Get ready for a whiny blog entry. I promised myself to be true here and this is how i feel today. Look away if you want to maintain the image that I am strong and tough. I actually wrote this and then rewrote it as it was just too pathetic and I couldn't stand myself. So here is the less pathetic version.

I am having a rough day today - maybe it is the trip to the IFT (infertility therapist) - that always brings up so much, 0r maybe it is because I am not sleeping much lately. Basically I realize that my overwhelming emotions these days are fear and anger. I feel "angry" that all this happened so far. I feel "angry" that we landed on the wrong side of the stats this time. I feel "angry" that to even think about getting pregnant I need a team of doctors and months. I feel "angry" that i am the only one going through this that I know right now and wish I had a large circle of other angry ladies, cause i know for sure there are many, many other ladies out there writing similar pissed off entries into their blogs. We could go out and pick a fight with some street gang, and based on how I feel, I would win. In fact, I think the Fierce Fighting Infertiles should be a part of Bloomberg's anti-gang strategy.

And, for fun, I also feel "worried" (why am I putting these emotions in parens? no clue) that i am not only infertile but also unable to carry a child to term. The fear is overwhelming and sometimes threatens to swallow me up. When I think about cycling again my mind has to look away. It just seems to defy nature that I had BOTH issues last time. Tho of course I know intellectually that is not the case. Happens all the time. And worse stuff too.

My IFT specializes in treating folks like me and she said that what I feel is totally normal, which comforted me a bit. I am in new territory here and really need a map. (well, and a nap.) Her support is really welcomed.

She is starting a support group on Wednesday nights that I am going to be in, which I think will do wonders for me as for the first time I will feel less alone and less like a freak. Which is how I feel, lately, about 100% of the time. I was telling her today that I basically feel like I cannot pull off what the average cockroach (fertile cockroach, that is) can - reproducing. Of course we laughed but both realized I was not totally kidding.

Yes, I am not just my ovaries. Yes, I have a full and lucky life. I am not forgetting that. I am just a bit overwhelmed today.

In other news...R is a misanthrope.

There have been quite a few news and magazine articles lately that have really bothered me. And not to sound like Grandpa on the Simpsons but it is making me want to write a 'strongly worded letter' to, I don't know, someone.

First, I guess Alice Walker (whom I love) has some bitchy daughter named Rebecca. It was in the Times magazine section last weekend. I guess they are estranged, probably because the daughter sucks. Basically she was this anti-establishment person (the type that is usually borne out of privelege, who grows up with NYC with rich, artsy type parents, who wears hemp clothing and has a driver, who goes to Williams because she wants to be a poet, who has never worked a day in her life) who dated a woman (wow, how incredibly edgy - who gives a shit in this day and age?) and then dated a man, got pregnant and is raising her son. All fine. Except she wrote this really self-aggrandizing book about having a child (emphasis on HAVING). Here is a quote from the NYT:

"The most incendiary notion in “Baby Love” may be that, for Ms. Walker, being a stepparent or adoptive parent involves a lesser kind of love than the love for a biological child. "

BITCH!!!

Who the fuck writes that?

Then I picked up Oprah this month. Giant mistake. I did it because a friend said that there was an article about adoptive families. There are actually 3 articles in there. And in 2 of the 3, it is all about how the adoptive child found their "real" mom. The third article is about how stupid people are about multi-racial families through adoption. Basically it is the most depressing thing about adoption I have ever read. The second article goes so far as to have a sentence about how a grown woman who did geneological work to locate her now-dead birth mother and father feels that now that she has found her "real" self, can pass on her "real" identity to her child. Never mind that her adoptive parents clothed, fed and loved her. Jesus. Ingrate.

Lastly, I am annoyed at this NY Times article about day care kids, which stopped just short of saying "Hey, you, you want a Jeffrey Dahmer? Send your kid to DAY CARE". Yes, the outcome of the study was that kids in day care had more behavioral problems than those at home. Yet all the pithy headlines fail to mention that day care kids are also seen as having better vocabularies. So maybe our kids go to the principal more often, but they can discuss Nietzche whilst there.

That's beside the point, however; my point is that there is enough agite about stay at home moms versus working moms, with working moms usually getting eviscerated, or at least quietly judged, and this just throws fuel on the fire. I plan to work, and be a great mom. My friends' (and sister's) kids who are in day care LOVE it and are beautifully socialized and behaved. I also know people who enjoy staying home, and their kids love that too, so do what you want people! Just stop judging each other!

So, if I were a clippings person, here are the headlines today:

"Adoptive kids really just want their real parents; who gives a fuck who really RAISED them"
"Adoptive parents have no idea how to really love their children, since they didn't birth them"
"Day care is akin to "crate training" your child"

Yes, I am bitter. Yes, a lot of the statements I am making are hyperbole. The point is, who gives fertile angsty woman the right to make a whole lot of infertiles, for whom adopting is the only chance to experience parenthood, feel bad? Who gives these adopted kids the right to reject the people who raised them just because they are not genetically related to them? And who gives people the right to judge how other people take care of their children?

These people all suck. And I am evidently defensive. Perhaps I will print this out and bring it to Infertility Therapist. She'd have a field day.

Quick update: I got so pissed after writing this I put a comment (concise, not inflammatory and no swear words) on Rebecca Walker's blog: http://www.rebeccawalker.com/blog/2007/03/new-york-times-clarification.html. I highly doubt she will approve it and it will post as the rest of the comments are from sycophants, and I know from my IF blogging community that people are PISSED. Tempest in a teapot, but the tea is all ours.

Injections- the gift that keeps on giving

I had a nice day yesterday - slept in, then went to get a massage and then hair colored and then dinner with our friend R & D. Great day.

I realized during the massage, which was a gift from J, that I still have quite a bit of pain around the injection sites from my progesterone in oil shots expertly given to me by my husband. He did a great job, it is just the needles are giant and the progesterone is in, well, oil, so it makes these giant lumps that ache like a deep bruise for days on end. And I get one a day.

It is mostly my upper butt and front of my legs. It makes me wonder what the hell we did in there - it feels like nerve damage - sort of tingly and sore and sometimes sharp pain. It also makes me wonder what it will feel like when we start again. Natasha the strong-armed massuese made me cringe, so a 1 1/2 inch needle will probably force J to peel me off the ceiling. And we are doing this again? Jesus.

And I mean Jesus as an expletive, not a prayer.

In other news I am taking myself shopping today to get a few new suits, I have fully embraced this job search thing and got another call this week for an interesting one, so I figure it is time. And if I change my mind, I can always start wearing suits to my current role. That will fuck with them.

Spent an hour last night trying to get a feed put on here - what that means is that you can subscribe to wannabere, and when I write a new missive you will get it sent to your personal email. No more pesky COMING TO MY WEBSITE to get my latest info - it is all sent to you in the privacy of your own email. It sounds like the ultimate in laziness but honestly it is really nice. Anyway both J and I tried to get it to work and didn't have much luck, we will try again later today. If all else fails I will call R, she is my own personal techie, like Nick the IT Guy on Saturday Night Live, only nicer.

Now I'm done

I ran into someone at work today whom I think is the last person I will ever have to tell about the miscarriage.

It is a guy with whom I have worked closely, who is in one of my client groups, and who is high maintenance as hell so we have talked a lot. He also lives in the Small Suburban Town I used to reside in, before I threatened to kill myself and forced J move back to civilization, so we know some of the same people.

I know that he has triplet boys. I also know that no one ever really has triplets without IVF. So when I found out my beta was so high, in a moment of weakness told him that I may want to talk to his wife if we were having multiples (remember - Dr S said that was a possibility at one point). He was thrilled and hugged me and told me all about their cycle with the trips (she got OHSS, etc so there was a lot in common). He made me promise to follow up with him as soon as we knew.

Well, then, we found it was only one. And then we found out it was, actually, none. And I never called because I forgot and this man is quite senior and I didn't see leaving a voice mail for him saying "Hey, Mr SVP - just wanted you to know the baby died! See you in the cafeteria!"

So today I was walking into the elevator bank and there he was. Huge hug and questions all around. He said his wife is in today getting her transfer(so he is an asshole husband who isn't home helping her, I take it!) for a 4th. They only put in one so no real danger for multipes. He says "So....is it twins?" and I said, really uncomfortably, "Uh, actually it was one and we lost it". Cue silence. He then says very sincerly and quietly, " I am so, so sorry". I had to run then because I was starting to well up and didn't want this man seeing it.

At least that is the last time this cycle I will have to say that. I would love to say that is the last time I will ever have to say it, but I am not able to.

You're not there, god, it's me R

One interesting thing I became aware of in the last few days is that I no longer believe in God.

Now before you all start sending me hate mail, I am not saying YOU can't. I am saying I don't.

I came to this realization the other night at dinner. I was eating with my best friend from college, B, who is a Very Devout (read: drinks, has sex with women and then goes to church on Sunday) Christian. I kid - I love B and think he actually does live Christian values - he is such a good person. Anyway, he said that his church in NYC was praying for me. First to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant, then to heal from the miscarriage. I was so touched and told him thank you, very sincerly. The funny thing is he didn't want to share my name in case anyone knew me so he had them praying for "Erin". Whatev. Erin it is. Its the thought.

What I loved about that was the idea that 5000 (yes - megachurch. Side note: where does that exist in NYC? And is it for rent?) people were sending good thoughts my way. The common voice of so many humans must do something, and I loved the gesture.

He then asked if I had been praying too, or going to synagogue (uh, B, you have known me for like 20 years, have I ever gone?). As I answered, I realized that NOT ONCE through this horrible time have I prayed to god, talked to god, or even given god any thought at all.

I realized then, at a bar in Hell's Kitchen (ah, the irony) that I don't believe. Am I am not sure when this happened. I was raised Jewish in Idaho (yea hardy har har) by two parents who definitely seemed to believe in god. Or something. My sister is a Hebrew Bible scholar (Side note: she is smart as hell - I can't even READ the bible much less know every passage in 8 languages), so I can only assume that she has some feeling for, or about, god. Me, nothing. Fact is, an atheist friend of mine asked me as recently as 2 years ago if I believed in god and I remember saying definitely yes. I wonder what happened? I am not "mad" at god. I am not "railing against" god. Or her. Or whatever. I just have no thoughts at all for any higher power.

At first I thought I was agnostic. Meaning I believe in something guiding the universe, just not sure what it is. Then I realized no, I actually don't believe in that either.

Now this didn't happen as a result of the miscarriage in one of those instances when people say "no god would let a baby die in utero and then make me carry him around for 2 weeks" or "no god would make a woman infertile AND make her have difficulty carrying to term" and get mad and stop believing for a time. No, I never thought any of that. It just never occured to me that anyone could do anything for me but me, J, a team of doctors, and family and friends. And about 100 years of reproductive medicine.

I think I am, at heart, a "scientist". Meaning, I believe in science. I believe in medicine. But I also believe in science that is less, er, scientific. I believe in the power of thought. And the power of chinese medicine (hi fabu acupuncturist!). I believe that me envisioning the little embryos on the operating table after the transfer burrowing into my lining (as I was peeing 100 gallons into a bed pan in front of no less than 5 people) helped them actually implant. I believe that my calmness for two days after transfer, when I listened to nice music and rested, helped me to acheive pregnancy last time.

And yes, I may even believe in that goddamn (somethingdamn? nothingdamn?) book the Secret - at least that if you want something, try to get it, and are truly grateful and not entitled, you will bring positive things to yourself. That is why I am in therapy. To bring positive things. And to begin focusing on other people, too, so that I don't turn into a hopeless bore. It is time for narcissa, queen of putting herself first, to start to put others first, for the first time since this whole IF journey started. Like my husband or my two wonderful preggers friends who are telling our singing group next week. I want no part of getting in the way of that, and will rejoice with them for the next 6 months.

So the net net of this is a higher power doesn't have a place in my life right now. Maybe someday it will. But I am comfortable and do not feel alone. Metformin, prenatal vitamins, my RE, lupron, follistim, and embryologists comfort me. And, most of all, all of you.

The plot thickens

Everything is happening at once.

I heard from the headhunter today, who said that the COO called him Friday RAVING about me and saying that he wants to bring me back. Fooled him! The headhunter said there are two other candidates but that I am now the one to beat and that I need to start thinking about what I want, what I need, etc from an offer. I expect to go back this week and meet the head of the NY Office and the consultant working on the talent management stuff to get a sense of their strategic direction.

Wow.

Then Sunday J and I went to look at a house because we need a driveway if we are going to have kids. And we need a bit bigger space. I found this AMAZING place about 2 miles closer to the city - or at least the Lincoln Tunnel - that is giant and beautiful and just what we need. It is also way out of our current budget. So now this new job is even more appealing - and is coming at a great time. We may be able to swing it if we can lowball the offer and they accept it, and we can sell our current house, and if I get this new job, and if I get the salary I am asking for. And if monkeys fly out of my ass.

Quick funny - the house has a full basement that has been converted to a doctor's office - the owner has been there 30 years (he has alzheimers and told us the same story like 20 times but I wanted to hug him - he was sweet and darling and you could tell he LOVED the house) and was an OB/GYN so the basement is an 8-room office, including 4 tables with stirrups. J wants to keep them if we get the house. Ew. Let's just say if the owner didn't have alzheimers I would've asked him 1 million questions like the poor embryologist at the concert the other night.

J and I stayed up really late last night talking. Basically we want to try IVF again but I am so scared that I am not able to carry to term. Even though the Dr gave us no indication of that, and even tho there is no known connection between the IVF/PCOS and losing Stewie, I just feel so incredibly unsure that I am able to carry a baby now. I guess I am skittish and afraid.

He sees that as being negative, and I am trying really hard to change my attitude, but I think the fear combined with the major pain, agony, shots, pills, etc that i have to go through is just a lot for me.

However, I can't imagine "giving up" without trying again. But there are a ton of folks on the PCOS websites who have had 7,8,9 miscarriages, some at 19-25 weeks, and it just seems really hard.

We will continue to talk. I hate that we have to even have that discussion, I wish I were more hopeful and wish I were less afraid. I am not a wimp, I evidently just play one on TV.

Saturday morning, snow has fallen

Its quiet here - I just woke up and J is still sleeping. Outside is blanketed with snow, which is totally annoying because it was 70 on Wednesday.

J came home last night which was fantastic but I immediately picked a fight. Why am I doing that lately? Must stop.

So my interview went very well - which surprised me. Basically the job is the senior HR person for the NY office (the big, main office with the entire executive committee as clients)- with the idea that in awhile (?) it would grow to be the head HR person in the company (like 40 offices all over the globe!). The job is not clearly defined as the COO is still figuring out what exactly the person would do - which is definitely based on who he hires. For example if I get it, I would probably take on all the talent management AND the HR - but if he hires someone without talent management experience he would just have the person do HR. The ambiguity doesn't bother me, I am happy to carve out a role and take on what I can. I have always done that.

We spent 2 hours together, me hearing about him, the company and the job. Then he and I talked about my passions, what I like to do (both at work and outside, which I liked, as the balance is very important to me) and what I want in my next job. He said he thought i was a "great fit" for the company and we even discussed compensation, to which he said "I know I am not supposed to do this". He didn't bat an eye when I told him what I wanted which means I left money on the table. Damn. Anyway talking about money is a good sign.

He also brought out some strategic slide decks to show me what they were thinking for some new programs, and we discussed them.

Then he said "I want you to meet two more people" that I believe will also weigh in on the discussion. As far as I know I am the only candidate so far who has been asked back, which is good considering he met like 10 people! He also invited me to an event on Thursday with the company and a guest speaker - I am going to go. Good chance to meet people and show him I am serious. I think they liked me?

So now J and I are talking - do I really want to leave my current role? Am I ready? How does this new job help or hurt our fertility stuff? Will I be able to have kids and see them with such a big job?In some ways the idea of leaving my current role makes me want to cry - I love the company and love the people and have been there 5 years so I know EVERYONE. In other ways I know I am so bored and ready for a change and my role has completely diminished thanks to bad strategy and a total lack of appreciation for HR. And the rumors are that the company is going through even more change and my role would be diminished even more.

J even postulated that maybe the reason the fertility stuff was so top of mind in the last few months was because my job bored the crap out of me so I had nothing else to think about - which I believe is true.

Its funny, when the miscarriage happened i never thought I would be happy again, or that I would think of anything else. Then this comes along - just goes to show that life keeps moving, on, doesnt' it? I think that's wonderful and while I usually don't believe in fate - this whole thing makes me wonder if it was all supposed to happen this way. It is just so right.

So onto the next steps at the interview, keep on keeping on at current job, see the therapist and acupuncturist and support group and doing yoga, and continue my zen-like approach to this next cycle. That should be enough to keep me busy.

PSYCH!

Not going to talk about god today. Not in the mood. More pressing things.

This new potential job opportunity got very interesting today - the job is way more senior than I thought it was and I now feel totally underqualified. I spoke to the headhunter and basically this would be a dream job in terms of next steps, never mind the money. So I plan to go in there in my $50 Casual Corner suit and boots from Payless and try not to make an ass of myself. I will try not to say "like" and try not to swear. I will sell myself and smile and ask thoughtful questions.

And when I am done I will laugh all the way back to work that they were fooled into thinking I could do it. And if, by some miracle, they decide they want me, I will have some decisions to make.

Basically my boss told me today to GET OUT while I can. Sort of. She gave me her thoughts around the future of our company and it seems change will continue to happen and I will probably end up in a worse position than even now. That freed me a bit - I love my job and REALLY love my company and the thought of leaving made me teary - but if it is going to lose what made it good me leaving will feel easier.

But, as my friends and therapist always tell me, why worry about something I can't predict? So for now, I did my research on the company tonight, typed up my list of questions for the COO, made copies on nice paper of my resume, and got the cat hair off my coat. The rest is gravy. Oh and I will pull out my 1995 Cas Corner suit and hope to hell he can't tell that I have had it 12 years.

Had a fun night - went to an a cappella concert with R. She is looking great and feeling good - two more weeks of first trimester and she can start celebrating out in the open with friends! Which when you are pregnant is probably having a glass of water and going to bed at 7.

In other good pregnancy news my friend Y had a fantastic drs appointment yesterday - she basically has the risk factor for Downs and Trisomy of a 20 year old. And she is not 20. So I think she should start rocking the half shirts, create a MySpace page, and start going to raves. I am thrilled for both of them. We also got to see the baby move on her blog page, which was awesome.

And that is the truth! I told them both in email last month that one day soon I would be happy for them, and not too jealous, and I am there, thank god. While I still get pangs, considering Y is due the day after I was I am honestly very happy for both of them. I wish them both easy pregnancies and easy births. And I will babysit until our mixed race adopted baby shows up. Then we can have play dates. They can still marry each other.

J is still in Hawaii and I had a jealous moment yesterday - one of his staff members had IVF and I think she overstim'd, so she spent the day in the hospital. He was with her the whole day and missed all his meetings. I was so proud of him for being so kind and thoughtful, and worried for her, but baby me said "hey, my husband isn't here with me, he is with some other infertile chick! What's that about"? It wasn't about cheating or anything, it was about missing him and feeling jealous that his staff member got him there to help her. i hate when he travels but need to be more supportive - that is how he makes his money. But I want him here, now! Wah! Wah! Change my diaper!

Saw the dermatologist today. Have three suspicious moles that I have to get biopsied. She mentioned tentatively that I will get a shot to numb the area and I said "Listen Doc, I am in fertility treatments. I can GIVE myself that shot and not even feel it". She laughed.

OH! The funniest part of today was at the a cappella concert R and I sat next to a friend of the friend we came to see. At first we were like who is this chick, we want to dish about our friend in the show. Then R went to the bathroom and I offhandedly asked the woman "so what do you do?" SHE IS AN EMBRYOLOGIST. Well, that was it. I was in love. I bent her ear and hung onto her every word the rest of the time. She and I were discussing trophoblasts and morulas and uterine linings like you would not believe. She with 7 years at Sloan and me with 25 books and a Phd in Googledom. She was impressed. Or not. She didn't really say, actually.

R said it was like sitting a crack addict next to a pipe. Interesting facts: she said if I had bad eggs I never would've gotten blasts. She also said that PCOS doesn't cause miscarriage, as it really just affects the eggs prior to fertilization. She has PCOS and got an ovary out b/c of it. Who knew? So i need to stop telling everyone my eggs are crap. Well, I should've anyway. What serendipity!

Off to bed to sleep and prepare mentally for OverReach Job 2007. Wish me luck. Do you think they will see the sign on my forehead that says "I AM FROM IDAHO FOR SHIT'S SAKE - WHY DID YOU EVER THINK I COULD DO THIS JOB "? Not that there is anything wrong with Idaho (mom and dad don't flame me) but sometimes living in the big city feels scary and I am reminded that I grew up in a place where I could smell cow dung at the local movie theater. I love my life. Bad eggs and all.

Quick update: I just re-read this and realize that I write really fucking long blog entries. Sorry.

Lots of stuff happening now

I had a great appt with my fertility therapist today. She doesn't help my fertility, she helps me emotionally deal with my INfertility. She and I talked about how much better I am doing (I said I was around 75%) and we talked about all kinds of great ideas she had about how I could manage my anxiety and stress in the next few weeks. I will start trying a few things, including going to a weekly group she hosts.

It is so sad- waiting for her I saw another 30-something woman come out of her office, and coming out myself there was a lovely woman waiting to go in. So much pain. I wanted to hug her and say WE WILL HAVE CHILDREN! I SWEAR! In my "I am 4" file comes this: why do some women have it so easy and others don't? Who makes that decision? SOOO not fair. Wah.

Not sure if it is the weather, or what, but I actually feel good - really strong physically. My stomach is flat for the first time in MONTHS and I have lost a lot of weight - I am eating right - no sugar (well, not much) and am doing yoga in the mornings. I do acupuncture each week and have stopped all drinking. I plan to start the real diet - no cheating - in a few days. And my energy is coming back - I have plans every night this week!

Part of my good feelings is that my headhunter called and the COO of a HUGE (biggest in the world in its field - and a creative field too!) company here who has a very very senior OD position open got my resume from them and wants to meet me ASAP. I am going in Friday. To have something go right makes me feel good - and to be wanted and valued is something I feel I was lacking.

I am very torn - on the one hand this job is easy, fun and I know everyone. I can come and go as I please as it is all about just getting my job done and not about face time anymore. I can take time for treatment and drs appointments and such, and no one bats an eye.

However, I am bored. I need challenge. And this new role, as a result of the reorg, has left me with no team and a much less interesting role. I am not as senior as I was, and taking it away is really hard.

This potential role is titled at Director, but it is SVP level (different titles at different companies) and reports into the COO for the parent company. And in the job posting it said that there is a chance for a GLOBAL HEAD role in the next year. Yikes! Am I up to that? Oh and did I mention it is TWICE AS MUCH MONEY???

Am i up to that I ask again? Should I stay here and relax and focus on health, even tho I am totally bored? Argh. I think I know the answer as I am taking the interview. My ambition is winning out. And BTW he may not even like me, which would solve this problem for me. If he decides to pass, I will relax and focus on other things here.

Normally i feel as though I am not qualified for any job - and that anyone who hires me is an idiot. One gift my current role, and old boss, gave me is that I feel confident and excited versus scared and not worthy. If I am not the right fit, so be it. But i know I could do it.

I know at the end of this process I will have a baby and a job and be happy. I am sort of excited to see how that happens, as I have no idea, but also am very anxious about how it will all happen. I do have to say about the journey - not so fond of it. Not so much. Let's just skip to the end please!

A teaser - tomorrow I will explain how I have become an agnostic. Yes, you heard me.

Ding Dong My Beta's Dead

Finally. Zero. And at first I was elated, HOORAY I can move on!

And then I got teary. Was that the last time I would ever have HCG in my body?

Would I ever watch the numbers go up again, instead of focusing on them going down?

That was the last vestige of Stewie and it hurt. I miss him all the time.

Two friends wrote to me that now I can really say goodbye and move on, which is true. But it is also true that I am sad.

So now what? Now J and I have The Talk. What do we do next? And how do we do it? And, since I am me, then what? And then what? And then what?

We have decided that whatever we do, it is not for blogland to know, at least not in real time, at least that is how we feel today.

For now, telling everyone our bid'ness is out of the question - it isn't fair to you guys to make you traverse through our drama. If we do IVF again, and if I get pregnant, I will write about it when I feel comfortable. If we do IVF and I don't get pregnant, I will write about it, but after the beta, when I know for sure.

I will keep writing in here, about thoughts on infertility and other things, but I may not share our day to day treatment options. Or I may. Depending on what we decide and how I feel.

I do feel like I am coming back, I had lunch with a preggers friend today and it only stung a little. Mostly it was warm and fun and nice. I laugh more and have my somewhat positive attitude back. I am seeing the good in things and not the bad, at least most of the time. I still bristle at people's pity and still linger a bit too long on bellies on the street, but mostly I am like 80% back. The sun was out today, and I forwent (huh?) a scarf for the first time since October. Well, except that global warming January when I could've forgone (huh???) clothes cause it was 68 degrees on New Year's.

Stay tuned. Whatever happens I promise to make fun of it.

RESOLVE - to join resolve

Randomly I got a package this weekend with a bunch of great stuff in it from RESOLVE - which is the national infertility somethingorother. I can't remember if I ordered it, or if someone ordered it for me, but it was f-ing great. It had resources and a magazine and pamphlets and info on basically everything you would ever want to know about ART, adoption, embryo donation, etc. So if someone else ordered it for me, thanks!!!! I plan to join up. They even have crisis counselors you can call if you miscarry or have a question about OHSS or something - like home phone #s. Maybe I will pull a Bart Simpson and prank call. Can you imagine? So inappropriate!

It said in there that NJ has some law protecting infertile couples that says if you work in NJ you HAVE to have 6 IVFs covered through insurance! Hello! Ok between that and the domestic partnerships NJ has approved I may not be totally embarassed to say I live here anymore. I need to call to see if NY has any such rule as of course I work here. It is really cool.

I am feeling better about work - like maybe things will work out. I am back to enjoying what i do and feeling appreciated. That is nice.

I posted to one of my message boards around embryo adoption/donation and received a blistering email - I guess it is sort of contentious. oops.

So if my beta is zero tomorrow we have some decisions. Hard ones. I hope it is as the waiting is killing me. Timing is a challenge too as Jeff is out of town all of May.

Basically we have to decide what to do - go around again? Try something new? All I can say is this time I may go into Blog Radio Silence - all your support and love last time was just what the doctor ordered but this time I think J and I want to be an army of 2 around the treatments - I felt like my excitement made others excited and then when the fall came, it came hard. This way we won't tell anyone and you can all just find out when you get invited to the bris. Or naming. Or both.

Will write tomorrow with beta results...

Not much to report -but something sorta interesting

At all. Like nothing is going on.

Work is very quiet, as they laid off a good deal of folks and everyone else is freaked out. I spend most of my days organizing and surfing the web. I am sure that will change once people realize we are still here.

No news on the IVF front as my beta is not zero. Goddamnit.

Some good news - my dad had a successful operation for prostate cancer - he implanted 102 seeds and is good to go, we hope.

I am slowly coming out of my shell, have booked dinners every night next week with long lost friends as J is gone.

I got invited to the baby shower of a friend from work who is an IVF success story - she is 20 weeks along. She actually pre-invited me, she wanted to make sure it was ok to invite me and J and not insensitive. I said I would be glad to go, but of course have mixed feelings. She has had a hard road - so I am happy for her, but it will be difficult to go.

I found something interesting online today - embryo adoption and donation. Basically, many couples freeze perfectly good embryos during IVF and then either get pregnant or decide to stop trying, and dont need them. Some religious folk out there (none of whom read my blog, I am sure, due to the prevelance of SHIT and FUCK and other words they tend not to like) think of the embryos as "people" and don't want to destroy them or donate them (God forbid) to stem cell research (which J and I are trying to do if we ever make enough - we are in love with stem cell research) so they donate them. Or you can actually adopt them. It costs less than IVF, a hell of a lot less than adoption, and no one comes after you 10 years later to "take back" the embryos like they might domestically adopted children. AND you get to experience pregnancy. I sent the link to J begging him not to kill me for looking into it. He didn't.

We have asked Dr S about donor eggs and he said there is NO WAY we need to think about that yet. However, I am an overacheiver and like to have 10 plans in the works. So, this is interesting. If anyone knows anything about this email me. I feel like it is controversial or something as it is SO MUCH easier than IVF and donor eggs and adoption, why aren't more people doing it? I would do it. And try to find a couple that looks like us without all our health issues. If we adopt the kid won't have our DNA anyway, so why not?

The good, bad and ugly

The good: I spent an amazing week away - seeing the family was great, especially since we are drama incarnate right now what with my stuff, Dad's prostate cancer, Mom's broken wrist and IBS, and B holding us all together, yet still managed to have a nice time, and as always time with Ellie just makes me happy. The last night I was there she called me Daddy and Grandma, so i think Aunt R is just around the bend. Seeing her makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time: laugh because she is so amazingly funny and cry because I get so much pleasure out of her and feel we won't ever have that.

The weekend with my Delta Tri sisters was just unbelievable. We had this amazing house, the weather was perfect, and we spent 4 days laughing and eating and drinking and reminiscing and catching up. Whatever you in blogland think about sororities, you have to give some credit to the fact that I met these ladies 20 years ago and we still connect like it was yesterday. We talked about everything from politics to family to careers to Rush 1990 to Ms Dodds. It was so fun that when it was over, and my good friend L dropped me off at B's, I cried. Like I was some homesick 18 year old. We plan to do it again in Sedona in 2009, and I can't wait. Those ladies are all amazing.

The bad: though I felt a lot better in Palm Springs, I came back to what feels like a shitstorm. Work has changed so much that i am wondering if I can stick it out. I am meeting a headhunter tomorrow for the first time in 5 years and while I don't want to leave, I just feel so lost there now.

I also feel like I stepped into "Pregnant Town" as everyone, and I mean everyone, that I went through IVF with is pregnant (and healthily so, thank God) as are multiple folks I just happen to know. On the one hand I am thrilled, on the other I am back in my shell where I don't want to see, touch taste or smell anyone else.

Except J. It is also bad because this loss has made me feel like i am going to lose everything, including him, so I find myself grasping for him in the middle of the night and feeling like I want to cry when we say goodbye in the morning. I am sure that is very attractive for him but he is tolerating it nicely.

We have talked a lot in the last day or so and I think I know what my problem is: getting pregnant is such an incredible pain in my ass (and leg, and ovaries, and stomach, and head) that losing the baby felt so much worse than I think it would've had we just been able to try again the next month and actually be able to get pregnant naturally. Yes, that would suck, but I feel like we get like 2 tries every fucking year and time is against me anyway.

The stakes are so high, physically, financially, and emotionally, that this loss felt like a complete dissapointment as we are waiting and waiting and waiting to try again, and it will be literally months. And I am convinced it will happen again, and i will have just wasted another 6 months in the life of my almost-dead eggs. I told the Nurse all this today, crying on the phone, and she is going to see if there is a faster protocol, but I know there is not. Perhaps she will also see if there is a nice padded place for me to "rest" for awhile.

I tried to back out of this process altogether today but J talked me out of it by nicely calling me a quitter, which of course made me buck up. I am not a quitter. I just choose other options. I just feel like we are pissing in the wind, and wasting 10s of thousands of dollars doing it.

The ugly: my betas are STILL TOO HIGH. For a body that hurried up and miscarried, I am sure hanging on to those good old pregnancy hormones. They can't discuss next steps with me until it goes to zero, which at this point may be before I turn 50. Maybe.

Bleh. Today is bleh.