97% is not good enough

Heard from Nurse C today - my HCG is still 90, which is a 97% drop from last week but still not zero, which is what I need to start cycling. Goddamnit. Everything right now is hurry up and wait and my ass is tired.

So I go back next Tuesday to take blood again and hopefully my body will finally admit defeat and release the rest. If not I literally don't know what to do as all "pregnancy materials" are out and I am almost done spotting, too.

I went to the Grove today, this cool outdoor shopping mall. It is cold as hell here so i bought nothing as the tank tops and frilly nothing skirts made me want to buy Uggs and a parka. I did buy a book on miscarriage, which immediately made me sob in the Barnes and Noble upon opening. There is a whole chapter on Miscarriage and Infertility - the double whammy. Not sure what I hope to gain by reading it, except it makes me feel better to see my reactions in print.

I also ate a disgusting lunch of quiche and a rice krispy treat - totally verboten on my no sugar diet. I felt like spitting in the face of PCOS but now I just feel like barfing in the toilet.

Ellie has a Purim party today but sadly I opted out - being with 13 children under 3 years of age left me bereft and grieving last week, so I took a pass and asked B to take lots of pictures. I never grow tired of that little girl.

We leave tonight for my friend L's house, and my girls weekend. I am really looking forward to that, and hope that I can keep it together for the weekend. I don't want to drag anyone down but at the same time hope that these ladies may actually soothe me - they always did in the past. They are wonderful and funny and smart and seeing them for 3 days straight (the first time since I moved from Portland) will be a gift.

Buns of steel and legs of pain

Quick Update from Job's castle:

My aunt, who beat breast cancer 10 years ago, just found out she has it again - different breast and different kind. We don't have much info but are waiting til next week to see what the lumpectomy finds. Ok, God, can you go bug another family for awhile?

I went to my brother-in-laws Bodysculpt class last night, he teaches every night at the LA Fitness near their house. Holy. Shit. It is the kind of sore where I get up from sitting, eating, or the toilet and scream out loud. The good news is I was able to keep up, and in fact he even said I had good form, but today I am incapacitated. I walked about 4 miles total today, to and from the Museum Of Tolerance, just to keep the pain at bay.

That place was amazing. It is not like I went there to forget I was sad, in fact it sort of a wallow fest, but at least no one is trying to exterminate my race or kill my family and it gave me that gift of perspective, at least for 4 hours. I was overwhelmed with the museum and impressed at the same time - if any of you have not gone, you must. Truly an amazing place.

Tomorrow is the opposite - i plan to shop at Beverly Center to celebrate my new start and my changed, slightly lamer, job. But I still have one and that is nice.

I went to my blood test this morning - to see if the HCG is out of my system. Haven't heard yet but should hear tomorrow, if it is low enough I can start bcp and this new cycle is officially on.

I haven't decided what to do once we get going - I guess stop writing once we get to the big show? Write but swear you all to secrecy? This place is really therapeutic for me, but at the same time, having to tell everyone was hard. I guess it is only hard if we get pregnant, which J is convinced we will. I am hopefuly but much less positive. Oh well I am about 4 weeks from that, anyway.

My niece is a joy. She is so cute but less cuddly than last time - her little personality is starting to show and she is going to be a handful and a blast at the same time. Very smart, very funny and very self-actualized. I truly enjoy being with her, tho it does have a sharp edge - I feel like I won't ever be able to experience having a child and once again find myself yearning something. I feel like I spent my twenties doing that and am tired of it. I want to feel settled and at peace again.

Yes, adoption is an option but even that seems very far away. Everything seems far away - like all I do is wait.

My sister gave me a beautiful ring that says "hope" on it - she gives it to people in her life who have had a struggle and need some hope. I am wearing it every day in the hopes that its message will seep through my skin and into my heart - all I truly have right now is hope and it seems a shame to not even have that.

Live from the Pacific Ocean

We are in Oceanside, CA where it is a balmy 54 degrees and cloudy. I have worn the same sweatshirt for three days now.

I am having a great time catching up with my family, but also find myself feeling very very sad. There is something about being with my family of origin that makes me feel like I can take a deep breath and relax - cleansing in a way. Everyone is doing well, considering the year we have had as a family, but I feel so, so sad for some reason. Well, not for some reason. I know the reason.

For example, I went to get a massage with B and M today and cried for the entire first half, when I was on my stomach. Thank god the woman didn't notice - I had gotten control before turning over. J left today for Dubai and is now stuck in LAX and will be very late for his business meeting and I am just so sad that he left - I feel homesick for him. I hate being apart from him right now and in fact was up most of last night stressing out that something is going to happen to him. I was never like that before the miscarriage - it is like I feel like it has broken me in some fundamental way.

I wonder if this is ever going to pass. I thought I was doing better, but I am not now. I have had a few bad days in a row and am trying to keep a happy facade but I have not been too successful. Everyone here is being absolutely wonderful and supportive but it is time for me to try to stand up on my own and start solving my own issues now.

It doesn't help that I am still bleeding a lot - I wonder if i am anemic yet. I am hoping my blood test next Tuesday will show my beta at close to zero so I can start the BCP and hopefully stem the bleeding.

May or may not post again this trip - I just felt like I needed to write.

Off on vaca...

Well deserved, too.

We are going to LA for 12 days - some time to spend with family celebrating M & Ds 40th wedding anniversary (AMAZING and so cool. They are a great model for a happy marriage) then to Palm Springs to reunite with some college friends. I am really excited.

Went to Sirens tonight and it was so fun. So much lighter and happier than I expected to be. I laughed a lot and we sang nice and I thanked them for their love and support and then cried. Ok, I am not quite 100% yet.

Again - TMI but this evening before Sirens I passed what can only be described as the blood clot that ate Texas - I thought I was done, things were leveling off, and boom, this happens. It was literally so large I felt sick like when I passed the embryo, and called J to see if we needed to call Dr S as I thought my uterus had just come out. I actually am not even sure what it was, and if the Dr hadn't assured me on Tuesday that the, ahem, material was already gone I would've thought that was it. I have never experienced anything like that, and hope never to again.

After that the cramping I had been having died off and I felt, somehow, lighter. I think it was just progesterone-enhanced lining but dammmmn this made me even more sure that I wanted to cull the Progesterone next time - just do shots. No one, hell, no 10 people, need this much lining.

Anyway, back to table talk, as my folks would say.

So I am outta here for two weeks. I may write if I can but if I can't I promise to keep writing when I get back. I am not sure if anyone is reading but the act of putting it all out on paper (computer?) is really therapeutic for me.

Have a great fortnight (for my British friends).

A day of mixed bags

Today I saw Dr S - he said that my "uterus looks great" whatever that means. Ew. Anyway he said that I should be able to start the birth control pill tonight as long as my beta is down to zero.

Then they called back and said it isn't to zero yet, though it is close. Ironically, it was exactly the same as it was when I got my first beta 8 weeks ago. Cyclical. So I will be going to a QWEST lab in LA and taking blood and if it is zero will start BCPs in a week. Which is great, and soon, and pretty exciting.

I am still bleeding, but I like to think of it as me purging and getting ready for the new cycle. Which is happening sooner than I had thought. In a month we will be cycling again.

This is a perfect time to take a few weeks off, which I am doing. And a perfect time to be with friends and family, which I am doing.

I feel that all of this "stuff" that is happening to me is for the best. I feel that it is all working together to create some big plan for me, and that timing will work out perfectly. That in the end, we will have a baby, whether store-bought or home-grown, and that I will continue to love my job and that I will enjoy the flexibility of my role, and I will look back on this year and be thankful.

Last day of solitude - with update from tonight

Quick update: I just have to send mad props to my family. I just found out that my amazing mother, who has been a rock and support and shoulder to cry on and a daily checkup on me since way back in December when we started this entire process (and, actually, my entire life, for that matter), broke her wrist 6 weeks ago and never told me so as not to burden me with stress. Six weeks!!!!!!! My sister and dad, who are as amazing as my mom and have offered nothing but unconditional love and support, knew. And they all decided it was better to let me find out later so as to keep my stress level low. Amazing. Truly. I am humbled.

Anyway, this is one of the most unselfish acts I have ever seen, and I am both honored and horrified by it. Honored that I come from a family that is so unselfish and so concerned about others that they would do something like this for me. Horrified because my mom went through pain and bone sets and stress and the entire time called me every day and never let on that she was in pain and thus I never knew. I was wondering why she was always home - and selfishly was glad she was there every day when I called.

Maybe this is my inspiration to stop the narcisissm and start remembering that others have lives to. That would be nice. I think I will.

Oh, spoke to the Dr tonight - she said that I am probably experiencing the "real" miscarriage - meaning that if I hadn't taken the pills this is the day my body would've realized what had happened. What I am experiencing is the passing of the rest of my endometrial lining, so once this is over I should be good as new. She also said that my type of miscarriage was the "best" (ha) to have - meaning if the baby never has a heartbeat, it is almost always a freak genetic issue, whereas if we had heard the heartbeat, and then the miscarriage happened, we would want to do a full workup on me as something odd occurred. When you hear the heartbeat, your chances go WAY down for anything to happen, which made me very happy for my two close friends who both heard the heartbeat last week.

Original post from today:
I go back to work tomorrow, to find out if I still have a job. We let go over 250 folks last week, most of them senior people. My group is probably hit tomorrow. Ironic that my promotion may cost me my job, but then again that is not so unusual.

I took a big step yesterday - a dear friend called and I took the call. Jeff asked if I wanted to talk to her, and I said no. Then I hestitated, because in fact I really did want to talk to her. So I took a deep breath and answered the phone.

Basically, what was probably a 75 minute regular call for her was a giant step forward for me - we talked about everything from her new mattress purchase to my miscarriage to her 9 weeks along pregnancy to our upcoming vacation. It was like therapy for me. In fact she is an aspiring therapist, in the midst of her PhD in psychology, and we spent like 15 minutes trying to figure out the name of the phobia I have right now - fear of other people. I said agoraphobic, but that isn't right. If anyone knows, leave me a comment. Anyway, it was a fantastic conversation and gave me hope that maybe I am doing better than I think I am.

She gave me a great idea - she credits her pregancy to a special diet she went on that addressed her particular fertility problem (which is not mine, but is just as common as PCOS). I have a book, dusty under my bed, called "Managing PCOS Through Diet: Improving Health and Fertility". I took it out, dusted it off, and plan to read and follow it. I figure if i can manage my blood sugar, maybe it will help level my hormones out, and will help us make some better eggs for this cycle. And if not, I ate healthy for a few weeks, lost a few pounds, and no one gets hurt.

I spent today out, but in solitude. Or as much solitude as anyone can have in NYC. I went to the gym, got my hair cut, had lunch and got my nails done. I didn't have to talk to anyone I didn't want to. No one asked me anything, except a nice couple at the Indian restaurant who wanted to know what to order. Side note: they were from out of town and told me they were there to get away from their 3 kids, and once lunch came I took out my thick "infertility" book and probably shocked them into silence.

But I was really soothed by the presence of people, and always love walking around the city.

I did cry today, so have not yet made it a day without doing that. But lately my cry's have been less about loss and more about gratitude - for J, for my family, for friends who sent flowers or cards or emails or phone calls. People reaching out to us makes me weepy but not sad, if that makes sense.

Physically I am still a disaster. I am bleeding quite a bit and have tremendous abdominal tenderness and cramps. I called the Dr to see if I need to come back in before vacation to take another HCG test, but I think he is picking this random holiday to shut the office (they were open Jan 1 for Christ's sake!!!!!) so no one got back to me. I will try again tomorrow. My cold is still hanging on and now when I bend over it hurts in my sinuses, so I am hoping that is just pressure and not an infection.

I came home to futz with our Itunes more - making playlists for our upcoming vacation. Nice, mindless work and I love it. I was watching "When Stella Got Her Groove Back" and realize I hope that is what happens to me soon - not hooking up with some 20 year old Taye Diggs lookalike of course, but just feeling more like me. I am still such a different person than I have been. Makes me sad. I miss me. Update: Maybe my family gave me my groove back today. What a gift.

Sad Sunday

I am not feeling so great today. We went to a dinner/comedy show last night which was fun but it was sort of weird not talking to anyone about this for hours on end - we went with Jeff's sister and brother in law, whom we haven't seen since the miscarriage, and yet we couldn't talk about it as there were other people at the table that they knew. It felt like the words and my feelings were right below the surface, wanting to come out. And of course there was a beatific beautiful pregnant woman sitting right in my line of sight, absently stroking her belly throughout the evening. I watched her much more than the comedians.

I am just so extroverted that I need to talk about this. All the time right now. This is even more reason why I shouldn't see anyone here anytime soon - no one is going to want to hear about this. No one. Nor should they. This is why I am so glad to see my family later this week - I think they are ok hearing about it. And I don't have to worry about pissing them off or overstepping my bounds - who said that family means when you go there they have to take you in?

To make matters worse I have a bad cold so was up early this morning trying to breathe. Its like I can just sit and stare at the wall for hours - thinking about the miscarriage, our next cycle, adoption, etc. I am totally unidimensional right now, a trait I hate in others. And myself.

Lately I have been thinking that while I will do everything to make this cycle successful, I don't have much hope. I feel like the odds are desperately against us to have a healthy, live birth and these same odds make me unsure we will even get pregnant again. Maybe we made it look easy last time but it isn't - less than 35% of women my age get pregnant through IVF so while we beat the odds last time (well, beat them up to a point - they sure caught up to us) I am just not sure this time.

I find myself spending tons of time reading others' blogs. People I don't know, but who are either in process of IF treatment, are pregnant, or have given up and gone to adoption. The latter really intrigue me - each of these women have gone through the same process I feel I will have to go through - a release of the desire to have one's own biological child. They deal with stupid, ignorant people who say stupid, ignorant things. They deal with these people with grace - much more than I will be able to summon up. The nice thing is they all have one thing in common - unconditional love for their adopted child. That makes me feel so much better.

I got up to make J breakfast this morning - I am so sick of feeling like a victim and a patient. I am so sick of not carrying my own weight - here, at work, in the Sirens. I am so sick of not feeling well. The physical fatigue, the constant pain in my uterus (even now - which I assume is muscle pain after the heavy cramping), the bloating, the depression, the weakness in my muscles from not going to the gym in months - it is like I woke up and am not only my age, but much, much older. My energy level is zero and my desire to engage the outside world even less. I feel like I have lost myself and can't even figure out where to start looking.

Actually, I feel like we are both nesting, but have nothing to nest for.

WARNING - Graphic info ahead

So, its over.

I took the pills yesterday at about 3:45 and by 4:15 I was already bleeding. And when I say bleeding, I mean gory nasty you-can't-believe-it bleeding. Then the cramps started. They were pretty awful, but no more awful than the worst period you've ever had.

The lowest moment came at around 6:45 when I am sure i passed our baby. I didn't look of course, and thank god was in the downstairs bathroom where the toilet bowl is already a lovely shade of 70s-mauve so nothing shows up in there, but I felt it. And I knew it. I felt physically ill for about 20 minutes after, either as a result of the quick hormonal drop or as a result of what had happened. I thought i was going to throw up and then thought how IRONIC that after the miscarriage I finally get morning sickness.

I am thankful beyond belief that the pills worked. By the time yesterday was here I had stopped thinking of the baby as anything but what it was - it did not feel alive to me. Knowing it had been gone for 2 weeks made the process better, somehow. It had been ours, and then it was nothing.

We had christened it Stewie as you know. We have decided to do many things differently next time, and not naming it is one. I think unfortunately one of the saddest things about miscarriage is that you never enjoy pregnancy again. Reading the books together, telling friends, looking wistfully at maternity clothes, thrilling in every symptom - that will not be our future. Instead I think we will find out we are expecting and then try to forget about it for at least 12 weeks. It is the only way to protect our hearts. I have many friends who have also experienced this, unfortunately, and they have all said that resulting pregnancy for them was never without anxiety, dread and fear. The purpose of my therapy is to minimize that, but i will not eliminate it.

So what am I happy for? A few things:

1. Happy that I was able to get pregnant. People say never to say this to women who lose babies but why not? It's true. That's half the battle.
2. Happy that our friends and family are some of the most supportive, amazing people we have met. In a time of trouble, which we have luckily not experienced that often, they have come through in spades - with calls, emails, offers of help and food (we are Jews after all), and true love. I bask in it like the sun.
3. Happy that I married J. I thanked him last night for the 100th dinner he made me and 100th time he tucked me in. He said 'we agreed in sickness and in health' and I said 'well the health period was relatively short, my love, sorry about that' and he just laughed. We have grown so much closer this week, if that is even possible. He is my best friend, my rock and my support. To paraphrase ee cummings, I carry his heart in my heart. I hate that he married an old bag with bad eggs but he doesn't seem to mind.
4. Happy that we are finding the strength to even consider trying again. Because I have been relatively lucky in my life, I always wondered what I would do when a true tragedy struck. The answer is, cry, moan, laugh, talk, not talk, hide and think. But I have somehow figured out that I am stronger than I thought for even considering trying this again. J has so much to do with that, too. He is positive, but more than that, he is realistic, and sees that there is no reason not to try again. I agree.
5. Happy that for 6 weeks and a few days I was someone's Mom. And I loved it. I am not ambivalent about motherhood - in fact I crave it like chocolate. This means that whether we birth or buy a baby (hooray some irreverence returns!) we will be ready and open and accept it into our hearts.

I know a few people who have had children who are obviously not happy they made this choice. Unfortunately in all of these acses their pregnancy was easily attained and went smoothly - so they never had a chance to really examine their feelings or 'want it'. Now, I know plenty of women who are not conflicted at all who also had easy times, but the few conflicted women I know sailed through the first part and are getting the second part stuck in their throat. Our hard part is now and I think the second part will be joyful.

I am home today, as the wrath of the gods continue and I have a bad cold. The thing that makes me happy though is I got the cold from kissing my 8 month old niece Maya when SHE had a cold - which makes it ok.

UPDATE: just have to share the most random thing. I was downstairs watching TV and I heard our two hamsters, Ellen and Rosie (they are lesbians) making a ton of noise. I went over and picked up Ellen from beneath the chips. She came up with my hand, as did like 3 HAMSTER BABIES. Ok. They are not both girls. Ok. Our hamsters had a baby. Ok. I touched it. Ew.

I had to call J who is better at hamster care and maintenance. He said to take Rosie (maybe Arsenio?) out as he would eat the babies, which he tried to do. I totally went for it - my skeevishness dissapearing as I knew i had to save those babies. He is sitting nicely in a large garbage can with his own wheel food and water, and Ellen picked up each tiny baby and brought them back to her under the chips. They still may not live but at least I removed the danger.

I think they were born yesterday. As I was passing. And that is karma.

Visit with Dr S

J and I went this morning to our follow up. Dr S was great and spent 40 minutes with us. He verified the miscarriage through ultrasound, then sat us down to chat.

Basically, the baby died around 6 1/2 weeks. I feel like a complete asshole because I walked around for almost 2 weeks feeling pregnant. It is like i made it up or something. He said I was still making HCG but now it should start to go down.

He doesn't see any reason we won't be able to have a live birth, but the fact is PCOS + Age = bad eggs and high chance of miscarriage. The metformin helps but doesn't prevent. And he really thinks i had two in there, which went to one almost immediately, which went to 0 within two weeks. Not good odds for someone who started this process with 25 eggs.

Next time, depending on how many eggs we get, we will do something called PGD where they test the embryos prior to transfer for genetic anomolies. It may not have diagnosed this, but it may. It is $5000 and not covered by insurance, but I would've spent a million not to have to go through this. The issue is it may mean that we don't transfer any - as I don't make that many viable eggs to begin with and if the few we have left at Day 5 are abnormal that's all she wrote.

Speaking of, by this time tomorrow I hope to be done. I just put in the 4 pills that will end this pregnancy and by tomorrow should have passed all the material. Material. That is so awful. I think tonight may be the worst in my life so far between the physical pain this will cause and the mental anguish of knowing what i am doing but once it is over we can start our healing process, I am hoping. It also means that we can go on vacation next week without worrying about bleeding or anything.

I don't even want to get into adoption here but it is on my mind. My therapist said we are not ready to go there yet - J and I are very invested in trying at least one more time. Right now, at this moment, adoption feels like an also-ran and I need to GET OVER THAT as i know, intellectually, that it is not. But I have a fear that my family and friends won't accept our child as our own, which is also totally ridiculous and probably projection.

DAMN I need that therapist. Who knew I was so screwed up?

I couldn't summon up the energy to post a title today.

I went to work today, but haven't done much. One thing I have noticed is that I am much more likely to talk to my co-workers about this than my friends. A few friends have asked us to do things and I just can't - there is something about it that makes me so upset. I hope this passes as I love my friends and don't want to cut them off, but the idea of having to be face to face with people right now just sounds awful.

I met my new therapist, and love her. She said "fuck" like four times and that makes her a good therapist in my book. :) She was insightful and kind and also gave me some great ideas, which was wonderful. She did say that she didn't think J and I should undergo a parallel process with adoption as we do not seem ready - because we want to try at least once more for an IVF baby she thinks we should see that through.

I am concerned because I see no way I can be calm or relaxed for the next process. The pressure just seems too much and I will be an absolute wreck.

In addition I have had the world's worst migraine for two days. It is like I am being punished.

MUST STAY OFF INTERNET. Spent all day on Soulcysters.com reading "Pregnancy after a loss" and these ladies make it sound like it is 100% impossible to have live birth with PCOS. I am so much more devastated for reading it. Must stop.

Leaving soon - am exhausted and believe or not thought I would try returning to that foreign place called the gym. J is making me Valentines' dinner tonight with alcohol, soft cheese, and everything else I was not allowed to eat. He is truly wonderful.

Shhhh

I am still going to write on here, but I am telling no one about it. I realized this morning that I need an outlet for my pain desperately and this was that, and nothing else would help. This blog is about me now and I dont WANT anyone reading it. If I say something offensive here, I apologize. I may change the name of this just to ensure that I don't offend anyone, but for now I cant even brush my teeth.

I hope all of you who were reading stop. This is not going to be the light, Carrie Bradshaw meets Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy anymore. This is real, people, and it is going to get very, very ugly. I would rather you remember me as the funny, light girl with fertilty problems who conquered it all to get pregnant than the bitter, sad person I am right now.

Well, I can now honestly say, for the first time in my life, that I stayed up all night crying. To be fair, I slept from 12-3, but the rest of the time was pretty much me, in front of this computer, sobbing. Sometimes sobbing because of a kind email I got from someone and sometimes because I am heartbroken and sometimes because of the miscarriage web sites I was looking at. The amount of pain out there is overwhelming. And comforting.

I feel irrationally furious at people. Anyone who doesn't understand this (which is everyone besides me, and J, who tho is definitely handling this better than me is still absolutely wrecked) can go straight to hell. Goddamn everyone who is up this morning, getting ready for work, having tea, or whatever. My baby is dead inside of me and I can't get rid of it, and I will never, ever be the same.

I told you. Look away.

At 4:15 am I put together a list of 12 questions for J to ask Dr S today. They included everything from how soon can I get a D & C so that I can stop feeling pregnant to what types of anti-depressants can I get on ASAP so I don't take the fistful of Ambien in my bathroom with a nice big bottle of Reisling that I haven't been able to drink for months. I also emailed an infertility therapist in NY at 5:45 am to see if she takes AETNA and would see me. I am sure that is not the first middle of the night cry for help she has gotten. I also want the name of some support groups and want every goddamn pregnancy loss test in the book so that I can rest at night knowing that this was, truly, "one of those things" and that there is not something deeper and darker wrong with me or my eggs.

I am not afraid to ask for help. Here is what I am afraid of:

1. Never feeling better. The grief is overwhelming and complete
2. People pitying me. This sucks. But it could happen to you and you and you and you wouldn't want the world saying "Oh, poor you". It is not poor me. This shit happens. Wake up. your pity makes me feel like shit and what I really need is your support. In my darkest hour, which I believe was 5:59 am when I woke Jeff up and cried in his arms for an hour, I pity myself and that is something I will not stand for. It is useless and ridiculous and just leaves me feeling helpless.
3. Never being a mom. For the brief, 7 weeks and 5 days that I thought I was pregnant (we will never know when Stewie died, but I personally think it was a week ago- he had no heart to beat so he stopped growing during the fetal pole stage) I felt like I had the best little secret in the world. To people at work i was just the VP, but to me I was the VP that was also going to be a mom. To my nieces and nephews I was Aunt Rachel but to Jeff I was the mother of his child. To never experience that again, would be, in my mind, the largest tragedy I could imagine.
4. People being afraid to talk to me or mention this to me. What if your father died and I never said a damn thing about it? Lots of articles i read say that people treat miscarriage as if it is not a loss - figuring that what you had inside of you was not even a "baby yet" - i don't care. Feels like a loss. Tastes like a loss. My eyes are swollen shut and my sinuses are aching and that is a loss.
5. What to do now. For the first time in my life, I cannot comfort myself. J cannot comfort me, and he has really tried. I have no interest in eating, sleeping, seeing friends, etc. My friends who are pregnant are a painful reminder, and I to them. My friends who have kids feel like they don't understand. My friends without kids or who never want them will never understand me. This leaves me friendless. I want people to reach out to me, but it may be a few weeks or even months before i can reach back. Bear with me, though, I will reach back.

I see the next few weeks streched out in front of me like this big long road. I have to talk J and Dr S into a D & C, experience someone scraping out what was going to be the second love of my life after J, hope to hell there are no complications or infections, someday go back to work, if I still have a job, and every morning somehow find the strength to get dressed and put on a happy face to the clueless and thus totally innocent people at work who all need me to help them. Its like I want a tshirt that says "be nice to me - I had a miscarriage" so that the world will be a bit more kind, just for awhile.

If I sound pathetic, or whiny, or selfish, so be it.

For those of you who have suffered a loss like this, your emails and phone calls about it are truly the most helpful thing you can imagine. An old friend sent me an email about the two losses she suffered and her resulting despair and despondency, and I reread it 100 times as it was truly, truly helpful. She has kids now and seeing that makes me feel hope.

So here it is. The ugly side of me. I dont' like it, but for the first time I am really seeing it.

Bad news

Hi all

Unfortunately we got some very bad news at the doctor's today - the baby doesn't have a heartbeat so we have miscarried. Even writing that feels so unreal - even negative ol me is really thrown - I truly expected to see one. This was truly my worst case scenario, and for someone who has many worst case scenarios it really rocks your world when one comes true.

We are not deciding on next steps yet - right now I cant imagine going through this again but I hope that will pass and my desire to have a child will outweigh my fear and the pain.

We are both devastated but are allowing ourselves time to grieve. J of course is his regular wonderful self and is taking care of me through his grief.

There are layoffs at work this week so the real icing would be if I was impacted,but I can't even think of that right now.

For my pregnant friends I promise I will be able to rejoice with you in a few weeks, just not yet.

I just wanted to thank you all for your love and support - connecting with you via this blog has been such a highlight.

Take care everyone.

Warning - Crazy Lady ahead

A serious warning - do not read this post unless you love me unconditionally. I am admitting some things here that are not pretty, but I promised to write about the good bad and ugly. I was bad and ugly today.

The last few days the cravings have really sunk in. And when I say cravings, I mean when I want something I want ONLY it and I want it NOW. The hostess cupcake was an example. It becomes an obsession people only write about.

Today J and I have some furniture coming so we ran out to do some errands quickly. This is after I slept 12 hours and then took a one hour nap. I still feel tired, headachy and generally like crap.

So we go. I wanted a latte and he a bagel, so I went to Dunkin Donuts. After standing in an unmoving line for 15 minutes, I got furious and called J at the bank and said loudly, and I quote, "Fuck this shit. This goddamn line isn't moving. Forget it". He said, sheepishly, "ok"

We go to the dry cleaners. I see McDonalds and continue my cravings for the nastiest crap on earth and decide I want a Filet O Fish, fully loaded, with hot mustard. I love it. I go in, J joins me. We order. There is a bit of confision as the woman behind the counter says no hot mustard. I am already pissed about the no latte thing, so I say honey mustard is fine. I guess she says some other stuff but I just nod. Get me my goddamn food lady.

It comes. WIth honey mustard on it. And no tartar sauce.

I freak.

I ask for just a "plain old, regular Filet O Fish with no honey mustard" - what i really wanted was the tartar sauce and cheese, Yum.

She gives me another one. We are now really late for the movers.

We go out to the car. I pull it out, ready to dig in. You guessed it - she gave me a plain Filet O Fish with NOTHING ON IT. No cheese, no tartar. Not really her fault - I did say plain old.

Next, friends, I pitch the worlds biggest fit. I am talking 2-year-olds could learn a thing or two from this tantrum. I mean HOW HARD IS IT TO GET THE MOST BASIC THINGS TODAY?? I cry. And I cry. Sobbing, actually. Like someone had run over my dog.

Meanwhile, J goes back in, really unbeknownst to me because I am still mid-cry, to ask for a FULLY LOADED Filet O Fish. I think he lied and said it was for him because at this point I have gone from wife to embarrassment.

During this time his mother calls on his phone, which is in the front seat. I answer it, because I am obviously stupid. She immediately hears me crying hysterically and starts the third degree. I tell her I cant talk and hang up.

Gee, Mom in Law, I am crying hysterically because my Filet O Fish was wrong twice.

I got the right one.

We came home, errands forgotten. I am still crying, but now because I have made J upset and am basically the worst person in the world.

It is like some alien took over my body and is making me eat, say and do the dumbest things. I have no control over my appetite, my sleep habits, or my emotions. I think I should go under some self-imposed exile for the next 5 weeks till this first trimester is over. I would hate me right now.

The only silver lining is that I am hoping with all this ridiculousness we will hear Stewie's heartbeat on monday - something's got to be going on, right? I am of course totally nervous about that and I am sure that doesn't help.

I apologize for my behavior today. Please dont judge or hold it against me. I am going to try harder.

Almost embarassed to admit this

But as a follow up to yesterday's post I called my nurse and asked her if I could eat a Hostess Cupcake.

Yes. That was the only reason I called.

Yes. I am that pregnant lady.

And yes, she said yes as long as I don't make it a habit.

Tonight while watching a movie with my darling husband I plan to eat my hostess cupcake slowly and deliberately, and savor every bite.

Honey....awww sugar sugar

First, it is 1030 and I am still awake. I am thrilled. Big girl. I think it is because I worked from home today so slept 11 hours last night and took a one hour nap.

I want to talk about food.

Those who know me, and you all do, know that food is a huge thing for me. I can out-eat almost anyone, except my Dad. Since getting diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance (IR) I am on a low sugar diet. The Metformin I take to treat it rendered me sick all the time, so I lost like 12 pounds and ate hardly anything. Since I got used to it, I can eat more food, but I wouldn't say I eat like I did normally, as I can't really eat anything with too much sugar. I got by on sugar free treats on the rare occasion when I needed something sweet.

Since getting pregnant, or at least for the last few weeks, I am an eating machine. I can't describe the hunger I get - before when it was right before lunch I was hungry, but not like this. Now I could swallow entire cities AND their suburbs. It is nothing for me to eat breakfast (yogurt and fruit) and a second breakfast (corn flakes), then a lunch (sushi or salad or sandwich) and another lunch (pretzels or fruit) then dinner, then a snack. And between these my stomach growls and I imagine all the food I can't eat.

The challenge is, I can't really eat anything that has too much sugar. Now, just so you know. sugar is in all kinds of stuff, not just sweets. I have to limit my intake of fruit. Bananas, especially. I have to avoid most cereals unless they are all bran. I can't have ice cream or cake or donuts, at all, really. Never mind the caffiene, I can't have Diet Coke or Diet Root Beer as it has aspertame. No sugarfree gum. No hot chocolate on a cold winter's night or a decaf mocha at Starbucks. AHHHHH Decaf mocha.

This is usually not a problem, but lately I have been craving sweets. Tonight at Sirens one of my friends was eating a Hostess Cupcake and all of a sudden I wanted 320239584598 of them. I wanted to buy a Hostess plant and run the production line for cupcakes right into my mouth.

I would've gladly killed her to eat her cupcake. Even thinking about it makes me want to eat it. Then, later, when I treated myself to a decaf coffee with cream (that is my one vice now, it makes coffee taste so much better than skim!) and a Splenda, which is the only sugar substitue really safe right now, my eye caught a chocolate covered cannoli. I am a sucker for cannoli. The hard shell, the soft inside that tastes like a combo of cake mix and frosting. The little chocolate chips that add some texture.

I stood there, mezmerized, thinking what could happen if I buy this and stick the whole thing in my mouth? So my insulin gets out of control, right? So that causes my hormones to go crazy, right? So then baby Stewie gets a dose of some shit he doesn't need? Worst case he is harmed? Ok. Put. the. cannoli. back.

And I did. But I mourn it.

So everyone who can, eat a Hostess Cupcake for me. Or a cholocate covered cannoli. And send me an email about what it was like.

Too.Tired.To.Write.

It really hit me last night. I went to the symphony with my friend James and by the time I got home I was in pain, exhausted and near tears. My hoochie hurt, I felt pressure everywhere, my throat was sore and I was so tired I thought I might die. Oh, and cold. And sort of hungry. J put me to bed and tried to cheer me up but I was inconsolable - he even made noises like the Hamsters to make me laugh, but I just kicked him out. And this morning when I woke up I realized that I never wanted to get out of bed again. Oh, and I had a massive charley horse sometime this early morning, which I know is normal, but my calf hurts.

Its like I have the flu, or some horrid tropical disease that sucks the life from you and leaves you weak, crampy, moody and sore. I feel like my uterus has been lifting weights and is now sore and distended. Bleh.

Good news is, I figure everything might be going ok in there or I wouldn't feel so nasty. We will find out Monday.

I am going to try to get one of the pre-natal massages J gave me for my birthday sometime this weekend to try to take it down a notch. And I need to not whine, it is not pretty.

Except here. Here is ok.

Off to work. I hope I don't have to actually move today in order to get my job done.

UPDATE: BTW in NO WAY do I want anyone to think that I am not happy. I am over the fucking moon that i feel this way - I am so damn excited to be pregnant and to be actually experiencing pregancy symptoms that even tho I am whiny, I promise not to lose sight of how totally awesome this is - I will take barfing for 9 months and prolapsing my entire set of internal organs if it means we have a healthy baby. So even in my tired nasty achy state I am smiling and joyful. Little Stewie is hopefully stewing away, and he can make me as sick as he wants. I love him so much I dont care at all.

Goddamn insurance company

I spent this morning fuming on the phone with Aetna, trying to get them to send me my progesterone so that I can continue to keep this baby. They absolutely suck. This is the 4th call to them, and they basically admitted they never filled the order.

I won't get into it as my blood starts to boil and I don't want to hurt myself. I basically said I would sue them if anything happened as it is their fault that I have run out of progesterone. I am doubling my suppositories under Dr S's orders and hoping to hell that J can convice the Dr to give me something to tide me over.

I hate them.

In other news, I am REALLY irritable today. Oh wait, maybe that is the same news.

J and I have named our fetus Stewie. Multiple reasons:

1. It is stewing in my uterus, hopefully growing and healthy.
2. We both love Family Guy and the baby who talks in a british accent is Stewie.
3. It is a play on the name of our favorite satirical newsperson, Jon Stewart.
4. It is the most jewish name ever, one that we would never saddle an actual person with. No offense to anyone named Stewie, but really, you should have an honest conversation with your mother about that.

This decision came after a semi fight at our favorite fighting place, the Coach House Diner. J wanted to name it Kim Jon Il and then Robert Novack. I said I didn't want to name OUR baby after someone I hated. Then he petulantly said "fine, call it whatver you want" so I threw out some names and he said "i won't call it that but whatever". We then put on our big boy and girl undies and had a better, more grown up discussion.

My two friends who are preggers are really so wonderful to have. We talk a lot about pooping and eating and sleeping. It is like we are all newborns in training.

Off to call Aetna AGAIN. This time I may swear. Who am I kidding? I have already sworn at them. And yelled. And threatened lawsuit. I love being hormonal!

Feeling calm and relaxed. Want to take a picture?

Today was fine. Just fine.

I felt fine, except the exessive peeing and gastrointestinal issues. And even those feel like a nice reminder that I am pregnant.

J is at his sister's, having dinner and seeing our niece's talent show. It's quiet here.

I have to do laundry and eat and somehow get this done before my witching hour of about 9:30 when I fall asleep.

Basically, I am thankful for today. I have not had a relatively uneventful day in so long I forgot what it was like.

Let it stay this way, at least until Feb 12th when we hear the heartbeat. Then, after our triumphant Big Doctor's Appointment, where the heartbeat is so strong it literally knocks Dr S on his ass, let it go back to this status quo feeling. I have had too much drama this year.

The Chinese have a curse: May You Live In Interesting Times. And that is how I have felt - like I was living in interesting times. Yes, lots of good things happened - I got married, got promoted, continued to build great friendships and a life out here, moved to JC from SO when I wanted to put my head in the oven, getting pregnant, etc. But lots of bad happened, including the work layoffs last year where I lost half my staff, the PCOS and infertility diagnosis and subsequent drama-filled treatment, Dad's cancer, Mom's eye issues, Bea moving across the country (well that wasn't really bad but it is REALLY not conducive to weekend jaunts to see her anymore), friends struggling with infertility, hyperstimulation after IVF, etc. Basically, there was always plenty to worry about.

And now, I know that I do have something REALLY big to worry about, but today I feel like you know, I can't do ANYTHING about it. All I can do is breathe deeply and send good thoughts to the baby and keep with the progesterone shots in the morning and suppositories in the night and 1500 mg of Metformin daily and low sugar diet and hope that our good luck holds a bit longer. Maybe it is drama fatigue, but it feels sort of nice and lulling to let go, even if it is for only 24 hours. I have never been good at that, but perhaps it is a good time to learn. I hear parents have to do this a lot.

I think I may actually sleep well tonight.

Hope you all do too.

The Sisterhood of Traveling Ovum

So...get this. I have two very good friends, who will remain nameless, who are also pregnant. And we are all due within 7 days of each other. I knew about one but found out about the other one recently when we were all together. How WEIRD and AMAZING is that? I could not have asked for two better people to go through this with.

On the one hand I can hardly contain myself from thinking about group prenatal classes, shopping for maternity clothes together, and swapping swaddling stories.

On the other hand it feels like tremendous pressure and like tempting fate - I want us all to have healthy, successful, blessed pregnancies and are the odds against us? Is it too much to ask? J tells me that that is not the way odds work. I was told there would be no math during pregnancy, so I must listen to him, I guess.

I am also starting to worry how much of my sort of not really there symptoms are related to the progesterone supplements I am taking, and how much due to the baby. I hope to hell when I stop these supplements I all of a sudden dont lose the few symptoms that make me feel pregnant.

I have no morning sickness. None. Neither did my mom or aunt, both of whom I take after physically. But it makes it less real and more imaginary, and I can't help but worry about those statistics that say morning sickness is a sign of strong pregnancy.

And of course I am worried about Feb 12, when we find out if this little bean is really going to make it, or at least if he (I think its a he) has a heartbeat. Will I be able to relax a bit after that? Discuss.

Basically, I am a worrying machine. I could power NYC with the amount of worry I have.

And just so no one emails me that "worrying is bad for the baby" - a little response - I CAN"T HELP IT. So by saying that you will give me one more thing to worry about. :)

I am not a mess, nor am I chewing up my nails. I just have a low grade feeling of anxiety all the time, like a fever of 99 or something. And my dreams are outta control. Last night it was that angelina jolie and I were being stalked by a crazy cab driver. They are so real I swear I could tell you that she is, in fact, beautiful close up and also very nice.

That is all I have to say today. Oh and my constipation has passed. Get it? Passed?

I crack myself up.